[sunrise]

One thing we have to do today is talk about "blah" he said (an upcoming legal thing). I just am not into talking about "blah" and the fact he brings it up is ominous. Like I should be worried about this? I didn't feel worried about this until he said we needed to talk about it. I tell him it sounds ominous. He laughs. Let's not start with that then, he says.

We go through a denouement of my last legal meeting. A lot came up for me surrounding that, so it is good to process that with him. I do apologize for having been so upset and at one point practically ordering him from the room. I had been feeling bad about that before.... But time has passed and now it seems kind of funny. He says, "yeah, I got that you didn't want me there!" He also said it was OK how I was--tense, upset, snappish--and I appreciated hearing this. I told him, very easily, that when he gave me a hug at the meeting, that was just what I needed. It is very easy to tell him this. Several years ago I would not have been able to tell anyone anything like that. Therapy!

We do talk about the "blah" topic and before beginning I tell him my worst fear about what he is going to say about "blah". (As I tell him, I am aware that I am able to identify the source of my anxiety immediately and share it with him, again, only because of therapy.) He says no that isn't it--my worst fear--so we talk about blah and I hope I'm not minimizing it, but it didn't seem that big a deal to me. Still, I am going to call my lawyer and have a chat. I hope that "blah" truly is not a big deal because I cannot stand any more big deals in my divorce.

I am touched by one thing he talks about during our session, and that is that he wants deeper healing for me regarding the relationship with my H. I still have a particular wound, and he knows what it is, and he wants to help with that. I've become resigned to having that wound the rest of my life--ya know, sometimes you just have to deal and move forward. Divorce isn't therapy, I remind him, as it seems he wants something to happen at our next legal meeting--he would promote a certain dialog?--I'm not sure. Then he suggests that my H come in with me for a last couples session. And I guess he would try to do his best for me then. He's mentioned this before quite a while ago but I thought we had moved past that and left the idea behind. But he's wanting it again, and I am deeply touched that he wants this healing for me. Like he wants to do it all, and maybe he has higher standards for his work than I do. Like if I was painting a room, I might let some drips go on the floor, or the paint get on the moulding, or leave a section with only one coat. But T, no, he wants that room to have no scars. He wants to do good work and help us finish what we've started. It's very sweet. I don't know what we'll do, if anything. I need to focus on "blah".

I have felt a lot coming up for me lately and like I would like to meet weekly with T at least a couple of times, instead of every other week. So I ask him if I can have an appointment next week. The answer is "no." He says he doesn't have any openings. There is a small part of me that is suspicious, like he is just telling me this because he wants me to wean off therapy and not come every week. But he has never said anything like that, so I'm not going to go there, and I tell that part to stow it. I'm just going to believe he has no appointments available.

When I leave, he spreads his arms wide and says "come here" and we have a really really nice hug. The last few sessions we haven't hugged so this is super nice and I wonder if he gave me this because I told him how much I liked the hug at the legal meeting? Who knows, but it was good.

I am realizing more and more how much I have changed because of therapy, how many new capabilities I have developed. Just in everyday interactions and happenings, I see subtle signs. When I began therapy, if anyone had told me all the little ways that it would help me, I might have said, "but that's not why I'm going to therapy!" LOL. I am sure the T's know this. I titled my thread the way I did because if I had to use one word to describe the last session and our interaction, it would be "ease."

[phoenix7]

thankyou for sharing that with us - I could feel the warmth of your interactions from here

and to end with a hug - that was special

me - Id be the painter with more paint on me than the walls lol lucky im not a T ay!

[Mouse_]

I second what P7 said!

[lifelesstraveled]

(((sunrise)))

Reading about your appt with T made my heart smile (literally).

Im glad you had a nice session with him. And the hug at the end?? sounded sooo nice....

Ugh I would love to be able to get a hug from T or anyone for that matter (if it ever happened) and not be competely weirded out.

Reading your post gave me hope that if I stick with therapy and really dig into it instead of skimming the surface, I will get better...I just need to get a bigger shovel...right now Im using a spoon LOL

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by lifelesstraveled

Reading about your appt with T made my heart smile (literally).

Being with my T makes my heart smile.

Reading your post gave me hope that if I stick with therapy and really dig into it instead of skimming the surface, I will get better...I just need to get a bigger shovel...right now Im using a spoon LOL

If you use a spoon, you will go slowly but not accidentally slice through any potatoes (a metaphor a gardener will appreciate but not sure if you will! ).

I just emailed T to cancel our appointment next week and reschedule. I hope he replies. I hope he has an opening.

(((((((((((((((((((sunny)))))))))))))))))

I hope you hear back from him soon....waiting is not fun.

Thanks for sharing your session. It feels awesome to have a comfortable, familiar relationship with T...makes all of the hard work of therapy totally worth it

[lauren_helene]

Hey Sunny, I haven't been on here much since I have my blog but I always like reading about you and your T...I love the c'mere huggy thing...awesome for you!

[MissCharlotte]

I have felt a lot coming up for me lately and like I would like to meet weekly with T at least a couple of times, instead of every other week. So I ask him if I can have an appointment next week. The answer is "no."

You are brave. This would still crush me.

I am realizing more and more how much I have changed because of therapy,

Me too Sunny! Do you think it's just 'because of therapy?' or because of the fact that you engaged in an intimate relationship?

Thanks for the post!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I hope you hear back from him soon....waiting is not fun.

I did--after only 12 hours. We have a new appointment on the books in place of my old one. But the ease with which I was able to reschedule fueled my paranoia. Last week I asked if I could have an appointment this week and he said no, he had no openings, making me worry just a wee bit that he was just saying that because he didn't want me to have sessions only a week apart. But I accepted his explanation and scheduled an appointment for 2 weeks out (which is next week). So today, I need to reschedule next week, so you would think it he was so busy that it would be hard to change, right? That maybe there would be no or extremely few openings. But, no, that was not the case! He had 15 fricken openings. Makes you wonder. The good news is, I got an appointment. And a couple of nice little message-lets from T.

[phoenix7]

focus on the messagelets and the appointment you got and forget the rest!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by lauren_helene

Hey Sunny, I haven't been on here much since I have my blog but I always like reading about you and your T...I love the c'mere huggy thing...awesome for you!

Hi, Lauren-Helene. I miss you! Come visit more often!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I am realizing more and more how much I have changed because of therapy

Good question. I have had intimate relationships before. I think. It's been so long... It's hard for me to separate the two parts of your question. I have learned better how to be intimate because of my relationship with my T. Like a big part of therapy for me has been learning to have an intimate relationship. This was not on my radar at all when I began therapy. I'm trying to think if I had an intimate relationship with some other person, would I have learned so much? I'm not sure I would have because I would probably have messed it up. T is very patient and accommodates mess ups. And he models how to be. It's a slow process of learning through observation, experience, guidance, and trial and error.

[sunrise]

I realize now that this week is Passover so that could very well be why T had no appointments available for me this week. He could be taking some time off and involved in the observances. Just a good example of how when jumping to conclusions, the conclusions have a high potential for being wrong.

Saw T at the legal meeting. Mtg was challenging. I emailed him later and suggested a 5 minute phone call today or tomorrow, but I left an out for him (the holidays). This is one of the first times I have suggested we talk by phone outside of session. Probably some of you who frequently phone outside of therapy are thinking, big deal! But this was a big deal for me, very brave.... I am getting more willing to do these brave things and risk "rejection" because I am not perceiving how T responds (or doesn't respond) as rejection anymore. If he doesn't call, I will think it is because he is busy or doesn't think it is important to talk about right away (we have a session scheduled for next week), not because he doesn't care about me or is trying to give me some hidden behavioral lesson ("if I don't respond to her request for a call, I will not reinforce this behavior and she will stop doing it").

[Brightheart]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I have learned better how to be intimate because of my relationship with my T. Like a big part of therapy for me has been learning to have an intimate relationship. This was not on my radar at all when I began therapy.

Again, I've had a very similar experience. I had no idea what exactly was missing in my life until I had it with my T. I had been aching for emotional closeness... which is the very thing I discovered in the room with my therapist. I know I'm capable of it now and want to try working on it with H. don't know if it will work, but even if I never get there with him, at least I experienced it for a short while with T.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Bether91068

I had been aching for emotional closeness... which is the very thing I discovered in the room with my therapist. I know I'm capable of it now and want to try working on it with H. don't know if it will work, but even if I never get there with him, at least I experienced it for a short while with T.

Maybe if you can't get there with your H, you can find others in your life to have that closeness with. I sincerely doubt I will ever have another serious romantic relationship with anyone, but I hope to have emotional closeness with others in non-romantic relationships. I'm not sure how I will do this, but it is in the back of my mind and I think I am both consciously and unconsciously working toward this in infinitesimally small steps.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I emailed him later and suggested a 5 minute phone call today or tomorrow, but I left an out for him (the holidays).

Something came up after this and now I feel I really need to talk to T. So I actually called him and left a voice message and said I needed to talk with him briefly and asked him to call me. Then I emailed him and asked for the same. I remember that here on PC, people who call their T's have said that if they want a call back they must say that, so I was very clear (but polite). I am very confused and have a decision to make and need to talk to T. It is not something that should wait until next week when I see him. I have never called him before when I needed to talk with him about something important, only for scheduling concerns. I hope he will read his email and listen to his voicemail and call me. If he doesn't, I'm not sure what to do. Maybe, as a second choice, I would talk to my L.

[phoenix7]

I hope T gets back to you soon

[sunrise]

Thanks, phoenix. He emailed me to set up a phone appointment for later today. Man, that was so easy....

[phoenix7]

good old T - hope it goes well

[chaotic13]

Sunrise, I liked your insight on learning how to develop and have intimate relationships. Sometimes I think I am also having some success in exploring intimacy. In letting others in and feeling closer to them. Then the doubts close in and I feel like..its all just BS. That I am no better at relating people and becoming emotionally connected than I was a year ago. I'm still a disconnected jerk most of the time. I'm glad my T is still trying to work with me, though. They have got to be special people to this type of work.

[Lemon]

Originally Posted by Bether91068

Again, I've had a very similar experience. I had no idea what exactly was missing in my life until I had it with my T. I had been aching for emotional closeness... which is the very thing I discovered in the room with my therapist. I know I'm capable of it now and want to try working on it with H. don't know if it will work, but even if I never get there with him, at least I experienced it for a short while with T.

Sunny & Bether - Congratulations on the progress you've made! I hadn't thought of it specifically before so I think it was a good learning experience for me to read your posts on this topic. I haven't had successful close relationships in the past (romatic or otherwise) and now that this post has brought it to my attention I think it could be something I could get of out T. I'm happy to hear that other people are able (or are at least trying) to take the emotional closeness we have with our T's to other areas of life.

[Lemon]

.....and Sunny....I hope your phone session goes well. Great job on asking for what you need.

[sunrise]

We had our call. In typical fashion, he called me an hour early, lol (kinda disorganized, my T). We spoke for 12 minutes and I tried to get right to the point and be businesslike and efficient so as not to occupy him longer than necessary. We said what needed to be said and worked out some stuff and we had an action plan when we hung up. So, all is good! The decision is clearer, and that is what I needed from him.

[chaotic13]

Another case of ask and ye shall receive. Nice how that works sometimes. Glad you and your T could hammer out an action plan.

[Kiya]

Yay! (((((((((((((((((((((((((Sunrise)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
really super big hug =)