[Mouse_]

My last drink was over 6 1/2yrs ago. The last yr of my drinking was awful, I was loosing it big time. I'd end up drunk and knocking on peoples doors in the middle of the night wanting them to hear my story.

My husband is a very gentleman in every regard, but even he in this last yr was being beaten down by my behaviour. During this time he tried to kill me in a fit of rage after I had yet again acted out during and drinking spree, both of us unaware at this time that alcoholism and mental health issues were effecting me. I'd spent yrs trying to get some sort of help for the pain going on within me but being let down by a lot of mental health professionals at this point.

As I say the last yr my daughters then aged 9 saw me at my worse. Last night one of my daughters was sitting talking to me, she only recently said that she couldn't talk to me and I was surprised because I felt that we do indeed talk, and when I mentioned to T my daughter had said this, T said but she feels she can tell you she cannot talk to you which shows that she feels she can say important things to you and perhaps her being a teenager she is trying to distance herself from you by making this statement. I said, yes perhaps, so last night she and I were sitting on our own and she just started talking and then she mentioned about that last yr.

I can't tell you how hard it is to hear her talk about that, but know that my job now is to be there for her and allow her to share her pain with me and put aside my pain. So I listened and validated all her claims, told her it must have been very scary for her at that point. I could see she was trying to make sense of what it was all about and I then offered her an explaination, explaning my alcoholism and my depression and then mentioned my suicide attempts and my stay in a mental health hospital. She cried then and wanted to know if I was still like that? I said no I dont want to die, infact I am afraid of dying now, thats why I am in therapy because i needed help with the pain I felt inside, and that it may be that at somepoint in the future she'd like to talk wtih someone about what she had experienced with me in that last yr of my drinking, I added some people don't like the idea of talking to a therapist, and I was pleseantly surprised when she said, but that would be the best thing to do wouldn't it? I said yes it would. She then mentioned how she gets depressed and would she too end up in a mental hospital? She seemed a bit confused about what mental illness is and for a moment I regreted telling her as much as I did, but really was not sure what to do or say and was relying on gut instinct to help me along here, I was strugging with hearing what she had to say and validating her and also trying to survive it myself, but my main concern was that I put her first here as best as I can.

I said depression and teenage yrs go hand in hand and not to worry to much but asked her what she did when she felt depressed adn she said I just sit with it until it goes or listen to music to cheer myself up, and I said well that sounds like your doing the right things. I added that part of my issues were I couldn't just sit with my depression, and thats why I need help now to help me with these things.

I said perhaps some of the depression you feel is because of what you witnessed that last yr of my drinking and she said, but I don't really think about it. I said perhaps you don't think your thinking about it but its inside still and thats perhaps why you do feel depressed at times?

I saw her think about that. This morning I felt pretty awful, talking about all that stuff has put in fresh in my mind again and I have to remind myself its not that time now. I also feel afraid of perhaps her feelings, afraid also that I am responsible for her pain, something I have spent my life feeling others were responsible for my pain during childhood and here I am in the same boat.

The only thing I can say to myself is that I am trying to make it "right", but to be honest as a mother that doesn't give me much comfort to think its me that caused my kids pain. I dont know how much good my chatting with my daughter will do, I dont know if this was a big thing for her or if it infact means little. I dont know what else to do, I can't go back and take it all away, I think thats what hurts the most, it happened and I can't chagne that. I wish I could, does this put me in the same catogory as both my mothers? I can't go down that path of thought though because I feel I would just go backwards. I guess I just have to have the courage to listen to her pain and accept it and still continue to go forward and not give up, I wouldnt want her or the others to have to expereince that level of illness again.

[phoenix7]

((((Mouse))))

I think the very fact that you are talking with your daughter and that she is sharing with you how she felt shows that you have a good relationship now and that healing can and will take place - you cant change the past - but you can help her deal with the present and you are doing that - it sounds like you have come a long way and made a HUGE amount of progress - give yourself a pat on the bakc for that - you could have stayed the same but you didnt and life changed for the better for your daughter too

[pachyderm]

Mouse, you are one impressive woman.

[Sannah]

Mouse, when my 2nd daughter was born 8 yrs ago and I still had my anxiety I became a screaming mother because it was hard to take care of 2 young children. I came to my senses 2 yrs later but I affected my children. My oldest was effected the most. She was anxious and on edge. I helped them work through it and we talked about it a lot (on a young child level). It took a few years but they recovered. Do I feel sad that it happened? Yes, (my eyes are teary now) but I did what I could to repair it and now I have to be okay with that. Everyone can heal from anything if the focus is put on healing. You did good work! I think that it is great that you talked to your daughter. I would love it if I could have a real conversation with my mom.......... Talking about it makes all the difference!

[Mouse_]

Phoenix, sannah, Thanks for your words, when I wrote that this morning, I was strugging to deal with it.

Patchy,

[kim_johnson]

Oh wow Mouse, that is huge. Sounds like you are paving the way well for developing a honest and caring relationship with your daughter. Something that is immensely important as she becomes a teenager and then an adult. Validating her feelings... Taking responsibility for how past events might have impacted on her ability to be open with you. Being able to share a moment of empathizing with pain that people feel sometimes (being able to help her by normalizing it). Wow. I wish I could have had that kind of a talk with my Mother.

[my3sns]

Wow i think your doing an awesome job of opening the door and validating her feelings.

[deliquesce]

good on you, mousey!! that is HUGE!!! i hope it signals the beginnings of an even closer relationship between you and your daughter .

one thing i would like to raise, though - and don't take it as criticism - is just to be careful brushing of depression as a 'teenage' thing. i think i'm talkin from a place of vulnerability, and obviously i do not know your daughter - so take this as you see fit. just that when i was 15/16 and struggling, everyone brushed off my depression as something that goes hand in hand with growing up. it's only know that i have a psychiatrist that i'm able to look back and be like, no - that was the beginning of my mood disorder. i think it would have helped me immensely to have seen a therapist at that point. i was able to cheer myself up by writing, listening to music, talking to friends etc, but in the end i didn't actually grow out of it.

so i don't know. i certainly don't want to be alarmist. and i do know in a sense that being a teenager does mean to struggle with emotions that are bigger than us. but maybe if your daughter brings it up again you could... i don't know? i didn't have a mother that was there for me, so maybe that in itself will be enough.

you sound like such a great mum ((((mousey)))).

[sunrise]

You are being a great mom, Mouse. That is quite a talk you shared with your daughter. I hope more to come... You are brave, willing to take things head on and not hide.

The only thing I can say to myself is that I am trying to make it "right"

My therapist is big on parents making amends to their children. There can be something very healing for a child to hear their parent say they're sorry for the pain they have caused in the past.

I dont know how much good my chatting with my daughter will do, I dont know if this was a big thing for her or if it infact means little.

I am sure it means a lot.

I dont know what else to do, I can't go back and take it all away, I think thats what hurts the most, it happened and I can't chagne that. I wish I could, does this put me in the same catogory as both my mothers?

You are doing a lot, this talk is one thing, there will be more. Don't shy away from saying you're sorry, very directly. It may seem implied but it doesn't hurt to just say the words and make sure your child hears. When my first baby was born, I had a visit from my parents. My dad and I went for a walk with my new daughter. He watched me with my baby and I was warm and loving. When she cried I paid attention to her. And he said to me that it hurt to watch me with my daughter because it made him wish they had been that way with me and he said, he had wished it then, too. But they hadn't. Hearing those words were very healing to me. No, he couldn't change the way they had treated me, but the fact that he had regret made me feel a lot better. I would love to have a similar conversation with mom sometime, but I don't think she feels that way.

Mouse, I think what you tell your daughter will be very healing. Pay attention for the moments and listen to what your heart wants to say.

[MissCharlotte]

((Mouse))

I grew up in an alcoholic household and my father sobered when I was 13. However, my mother NEVER acknowledged the years of his drinking and our experience with it. It was as if I was born at the age of 13.

What I would have given to have just one conversation with her about it...a validation of experience, a sharing of life's frustrations, a knowing that you can love someone and feel hurt at the same time. You have given your daughter all of these things and much more. What an amazing gift. What a lucky kid to have a mom like you.

[Mouse_]

Thank you ((ALL)) for the moral support! Hopefully any further conversations in this regard will become more natural as time goes on.

Deli, Don't worry, I understand what you are saying re the depression and I have that covered, My 3rd eye (mothers intuition) is keeping watch on that.

[madisgram]

(((mouse))))what an incredible discussion you and your daughter had. you're one special mom in my book. and your daughter, gosh, you must be so proud of her. my son cannot talk about when i was a drunk. that saddens me cause i know it would allow him to heal some if he would talk about it. those of us in sobriety who are mothers have a difficult task when we view "the wreckage of our past" especially when it has affected our children. we are taught that we are the nurturers yet when we were full of alcohol, nurutruers we were not.i've talked about this often in aa. i am reminded that i have a horrible disease and that by my being sober i am daily making amends to my son.
i'm "paying it forward" to you, mouse. you are doing the very best thing for your daughter by being sober. most moms never get that chance cause this disease we have kills. thank goodness we are both sober and can be there for our children now. yesterday is gone, tomorrow is a mystery, we only have "today".

You asked if you were like your mothers, and then you answered your own question:

Originally Posted by Mouse_

I guess I just have to have the courage to listen to her pain and accept it and still continue to go forward and not give up, I wouldnt want her or the others to have to expereince that level of illness again.

To listen to your daughter, to accept it, to admit you made mistakes and you are trying to do better, to be HONEST, to put your daughter's feelings before your own, to WANT to be there for her....all of those things make you very, very, very different from your mothers.

It is gut-wrenching to think that we have caused our kids to feel any kind of pain. I know that I have made mistakes with my kids, and I hate it. But we are not robots, and we are not perfect. We are learning as we go, and doing the best we can. All we can do is be open and honest about our mistakes, and let our kids know that our mistakes have to do with US and not with THEM....

You gave your family a great gift when you got sober, and you continue to give them a gift as you give yourself the gift of healing with your T.

(((((((((((((((((((((Mouse)))))))))))))))))))))) You are doing great