whew

Apr 23, 2009, 03:54 PM

After Monday's session when I disclosed what happened when I was 4, I have had the worst week ever. Totally switchy and flooded with flashbacks and sad and scared and just...BAD. Nightmares all night every night, flashbacks all day. No fun.

Last night I was completely dissociated, I guess because I knew T was coming up this morning. I don't remember much, other than feeling scared and alone.

I was SUPER anxious going to T today. I told him how my week had been. I told him that the same images, smells, feelings, keep popping up over and over and over again, just playing in a loop in my head. T said it sounded like when we processed the rape...and he reminded me that if I would write, or draw, or find a way to get it out of my head, the loop would stop. He wanted me to write down what was looping, so I did. And then he wanted 4y/o to talk to him about it. I didn't want her to...she talks TOO MUCH, I'm sure of it. He said he really wanted her to tell him. I wanted to fight it, but I just finally gave in.

I remember him bringing me back to the room...helping me become aware of my head resting on the couch, the clock ticking, my hand in his. He looked at me and said "hi" and I said "hi" back. We were sitting facing each other on the couch, both of us resting the sides of our heads on the back of the couch. He told me that 4 y/o did a great job of telling what happened, and of feeling the feelings. He said we talked about everything on the list I had written.

I honestly don't remember the middle of the session. I actually only remember one thing I said, which would be way too triggering to write here, and that's it. But the session ran 10 minutes over, so we must have talked A LOT.

The amazing thing is, I feel better. The loop has stopped. I can think about the same details I thought about all week and they don't grab me and hang on. I feel a little freer. Mostly, I feel SAD. But it was a sad thing that was happening to me back then, so I guess that is okay, and maybe even healthy.

Now maybe I can start reading threads and responding again

Thanks for being here, PC friends

Miracle1986 · Apr 23, 2009, 03:58 PM

(((treehouse)))
I am glad you feel freer, and yes I think it is healthy that you feel sad although I am sorry you have to feel that.

Christina86 · Apr 23, 2009, 04:35 PM

((((((((((((treehouse)))))))))))))

Wow. Just wow. Your T sounds so supportive of you, and I'm glad you're feeling better now - even if you've had to go through some pain to get to that point (ie. the whole discussion of stuff...)

chaotic13 · Apr 23, 2009, 05:12 PM

(((Treehouse)))

It sounds scary but it also sounds like you did it with someone who could really help you.

I'm really glad your thoughts aren't clinging to so much now.