Is it necessary to tell what you're thinking in T....(SA mentioned)...

So, I addressed my past SA with my T for the first time, and he asked me all sorts of questions....so he could get an understanding of what I went through and what I felt....

....I don't know how honest I was...and there were things I remembered that I didn't say.....

On the one hand, I feel like withholding information is not fruitful for either of us because how is he going to help me otherwise? But the topic is so....intimate...and embarrassing....

My T is a male, and although I don't think I'd have it any other way, I am more uncomfortable sharing those details with him.

I don't know how to handle this.....

Also, I am still very triggered by the therapy session I had yesterday...to the point where I've had to medicate to calm myself...which has never happened to me AFTER a therapy session. I am on edge and can't seem to kick these feelings.

I find myself listening to T's voicemails over and over and over....trying to gain a sense of calmness from hearing his voice. Is this weird? I know it sounds obsessive...

The worst part though is that I went through some traumatic times with my husband and his ex....and I saved all of her voicemails....and listened to them over and over and over again.....like it was an addiction. I wasn't obsessed with her. I was traumatized by the negative experience and for some weird reason, I had to endure hearing her voice....I don't understand why.....

Ugh. Probably something else I should address in therapy....(Strange fact though - my husband's ex and I get along very well now...but at that particular time, not so)....

Hi! I'm sorry you are so triggered.

While our T want us to share what we are thinking with them, I also believe that they want us to feel comfortable with them. If you are not ready to go into all of the details at this point that is okay. As you feel safer, trust more and have more coping skills you may be able to go into more details. Your T should know that you wont necessarily be able to tell him all the details the first time you talk about it. And maybe not the second or third etc. If your T is open to you contacting him between sessions then you should. You should let him know what a hard time you are having. If you can't contact him between sessions, you should definitely bring your reaction up next session. You should not need to self medicate because of a therapy session.

Please take care and be gentle with yourself.

It's not really withholding, it's sharing what you're ready to share and what the relationship can bear at this time. As you become closer and your relationship deepens and you feel safer, you can share more. He will not think anything is wrong if a few months from now you tell him more. You tell what you are ready to tell. Only you know. You don't need to dump it all at once.

(((Mixed))) -

I also went through this problem. I would start to tell T something humiliating and then abort the mission and feel like I wasn't being totally honest. Finally, I just told him that sometimes I can only tell him but so much at one time and if I withhold the truth, I know I'll eventually tell him. I felt better just stating it like that. So, he knows. The more that I trust him, the easier it gets. I still tell him some really humiliating things, though, and stress over it. Such is life in the therapeutic relationship.

I find that disclosing information is very triggering, and I see it in others on here, too. I think it's a good thing that you find your T's voice calming. In my case, it means that T is providing a safe place for me and that just hearing his voice brings back that feeling of safety. I wish you well! Let us know how it goes!

You tell what you can when you can - T will understand that - listening to T's messages isnt crazy - if they comfort you go for it - Geez if I had some I would be playing them now!!!

(I hope you have deleted the ones from before though - the ex's partner ones that upset you )

Thanks for the reassurance about T's messages....

As far as my husband's ex goes, I still have all the messages....and I used to listen to them multiple times a day for YEARS. And the court documents I've read over and over and over again as well...for YEARS...Seriously, like at least 8 years. Thousands of times. PTSD perhaps....

Thankfully, I have not listened to them in quite a while....but I still can't seem to bring myself to get rid of them.

Funny thing, his ex found out that we are separated through their son - who I love dearly, 21 year old US Marine - and she was extremely supportive in an e-mail and told me I could call her to talk, any time. I haven't taken her up on that. I just don't think it's appropriate.

((((((((mixed))))))))

it sounds like you're working really hard in therapy! just know it's ok to take it at a pace that is comfortable for you.

I wrote up a long reply and lost it! I hate that!

ANYHOW, what I said is that it took me 18 months before I disclosed my CSA to T. I think we tell what we can when we can. Not telling is not being dishonest. We know when we're ready, and we don't have to tell anything until then.

For me, I know when it's time to talk about something to T when I feel it pushing at me over and over again during sessions. And then I tell as much as I can in bits and pieces. I have a dissociative disorder, so I'm not sure how that plays into the whole thing. But I do really believe that we tell what we can when we are able to, and that is totally okay.

Also...T leaves me messages after every session for the PURPOSE of me listening to them over and over again. Sometimes we need to be able to do that to know that we are safe and cared for. I think it is completely okay that you need to do that right now.

You are working hard! Hang in there.

It's okay
Topics can be returned to as often as we want to and topics are often returned to for this reason. Uncomfortable topics are difficult and scary to talk about so of course we try to wrap it up quickly or suddenly when it becomes too uncomfortable. One way through this is to stop when it is beginning to feel too uncomfortable and say to T "I want to continue but I'm feeling really uncomfortable right now." This is very important information for T and you and it will be useful for T to help you at that moment.

I think this is the delima of most people in therapy. Do I tell, have I told it exactly how it was or have I added some? Is there something else Im covering up?? I think its the feelings and how we feel about what happened that is the most important topic to be open and honest with, details aren't always neccesary i've found..

The bottom line for me is no matter what happened to me the feeling I am left with is fear!! fear runs my life because of what happened, it could be because a car run me over or because someone attacked me or someone left me, it all comes down to FEAR!!

I have the same response.

It can actually be destructive to push yourself to talk about trauma in more detail than you are ready to do. Not all therapists understand all of how trauma affects you, and it has been standard treatment to encourage people to talk through it. But, as you are finding out, there are side effects, like reliving the trauma. It is ok to say that you just need to stop for now.

How are you doing?

Awww, thanks for caring!

I am doing a little better, but not much. I think I am just overwhelmed by everything that I have going on. The idea of going to work today creates the same jittery, ball in the pit-of-my-stomach fear that I've felt since my T appointment. It's such an unhealthy work environment, and I KNOW I need to work on not letting it affect me so badly.

I have my one group T tonight which I am dreading....because they are a little bit more judgemental there. Tomorrow night's group has my T in it and my husband's T in it....and I did so well but still feel VERY uncomfortable about last week....And just facing my T right now makes me want to vomit.

So, I guess I'm not doing much better. But at least I have other scary things to focus on - like work - instead of what happened in T last week.

Geez! that all sounds so stressful! - I hope you get through it all ok - let us know how it goes

Hi Mixedupemotions,

It sounds like you're pretty triggered and having difficulty keeping yourself level. I would definitely encourage you NOT to force yourself into disclosing anything else about your SA at this time. It was very brave of you to share what you could. The rest will come when you are ready.

As the others have said, I think it's fine that you are listening to t's messages to maintain a sense of safety and connection. It's understandable that you're having some fear about seeing him after telling him about the abuse. The truly unfortunate thing about SA is that, so often, those of us who were abused experience great shame about it. It makes it doubly painful to deal with. I'm sorry for what you went through then and how it affects you now.

Regarding the messages from your husband's ex . . . it might be fruitful at some point to identify why you felt so compelled to hear them over and over again. How did you feel before listening to them? After listening to them? Did it benefit you in some way? Or was it self destructive? You may learn alot by examining this with your t. But be careful not to delve into too many things too deeply at once. It sounds like you have more than enough going on right now!