i'm back

deliquesce · Apr 24, 2009, 12:24 AM

couldn't bear to reply in that old thread because i'm ashamed about how flipped out i was when i posted. i have read it through, though, and thank you all so much for still keeping a place for me here.

.

saw pdoc today. the past week's been rough. i didnt talk about it with pdoc. i wasnt up for it. still just black and ashamed. but the storm has passed and it's like i can stick my head out again. so yeah. just thank you all so much for keeping this place safe for me, if i didnt have so many loving replies and pms (when i finally came back to check - i was scared to look!) i probably would have been too ashamed to come back. i still feel crap about it, but it's almost like if no one mentions it again then i can ignore it too.

pdoc did say that he brought up my case in their peer review meeting last week. and that everyone agreed that so much of my problem is complex ptsd. he said its important for me to remember that, because that way i won't keep doubting myself. this stuff is normal for someone who has gone through what i have (apparently - i still think i'm crazy

).

also saw austin-T yesterday. he's actually really awesome. he's being so firm with boundaries - i said (and pdoc agreed) that i only wanted to focus on uni with him - no extra stuff about depression/ptsd/relationships whatever. and new-T is taking that request seriously, and i feel really safe. and it's only been my 2nd session, but i've got so much out of it already. he helped me identify that i have a really obsessive/compulsive way of doing things and he's helping me break that sort of rigid pattern. e.g., if i am doing stats homework, i will keep writing out the formula & answer on new bits of paper until it looks 'right', even though i had the answer the first time. after it's completed to my satisfaction, i throw the paper out, so it's not like i even needed it neat for future reference.

i do heaps of things like that, which i never really recognised. i just thought they were me procrastinating. but if he can help me break some of those patterns (i must only start working at a certain time after the hour, and if i miss that time i must wait until the next hour rolls around) then i probably *could* finish my uni work on time, without giving up my perfectionism. so that's exciting.

but yeah. just thought i should let you know i'm back. and to say thank you. i dont think i can reply to that thread, or to those of you who pmed me about it - it just makes me feel sick that i did that. but maybe if people are prepared to ignore it, then i can settle back into my corner.