[Gez]

Hi everyone,

I am a new member here and I've hit a problem with my relationship.

I am involved in a LD relationship with a wonderful man. However he is going through a divorce right now and has had to file for Banruptcy. Hes under a lot of stress and lately we've been fighting. Hes become very suspicious and has lots of jealousy issues whichonly started to surface some months back. He does love me but he realises that hes hurting me with this and hes terribly insecure about it. No matter what I do or say, it seems to reassure him for awhile but then hes back to asking questions again. His wife had affairs so I can understand him having these issues.

I haven't been able to be there for him the last few days because I've been dealing with my own problems at home and we had a terrible fight a few days back. I feel its my fault because I didn't realise how much stress hes really been under. I tend to snap back and defend myself and I will admit there have been some crying fits on the phone and raised voices, (my raised voice, not his).

The last few days he hasn't wanted to talk to me. Hes feeling very depresed and is taking Neurontin. I feel the Neurontin is half of the problem because it makes him detached, and very unfeeling when he takes it intermittently. We discussed the Neurontin some months back and I told him to stop taking it but hes under so much pressure right now that hes been taking it intermittently.

Anyway, last night we talked briefly. He didnt't want to talk to me much and said he was busy. I asked him if we could talk for a few minutes. I was very apologetic and told him we wouldn,'t argue anymore and that I would support him with anything he wanted. His conversation was very flat and nonchalent so I asked him if he still loved me and he said he supposed that he always will. He said he wanted to be alone and didnt want to talk to anyone. He said he cant focus on anything but his kids, bankruptcy and his divorce and I told him I would let him concentrate on that but I have tried to support him as much as I can.
I asked him if we were going to chat before he went to work and he said no and he didnt know when we were going to talk again. I asked him if it was over and he said he wasn't sure. He said that life is a lie to him and hes just going to give up being happy and then lose his health and die. I told him I loved him and he said that I would stop loving him and we would both get hurt. He said that hes decided that he doesn't like women and that he doesn't understand them and that they hurt him. Then later he started asking me questions again (jealousy issues) and again I reassured him or tried to. I asked him when I'd be talking to him again and he said he wasn't sure.

This guy worships me but his fears are getting in the way and the stress we've both found ourselves under lately haven't helped matters. I asked him if hes taking the Neurontin and he said yes and that hes going to continue to take it and that he doesnt care. I have no idea what to do. I think the world of him and reasured him that there wont be anymore pressure. My worst fear is that I think I'm losing him and I dont know how to handle the situation. What I'd like to do is give him space. Am I doing the right thing? I need some advice on NOT what to do to make things worse. I just want him to come back to me eventually so we can work this out. We really were happy before the bankruptcy thing. Thats put a tremendous strain on him I think but the Neurontin isn't helping. Its making him feel numb and detaching from his feelings I suppose, to enable him to cope with matters.

I'm sorry this is long. I'm kind of non-functional today and I dont want to lose him.

Thanks for listening and any advice would be appreciated because I really want to save my relationship.


Gez

[Zenobia]

{{{{{{{{Gez}}}}}}}}}}} I would imagine that there has been an over abundant amount of hits to his self esteem. He is a guy who couldn't keep a wife and couldn't provide well enough and is probably worrying about the custudy situation with his kids. These are difficult things to deal with. It doesn't matter how much you tell him that it isn't his fault and that it doesn't detract from him as a human being. Our society has been set up to make men take these things a major blows to their manhood. I feel so sorry for him and the pain he must be going through. It is totally unfair, not just what is actually happening but what he is programmed to feel about himself because of what is happening.

My advice? I would advise that you do give him some space. Would I take that advice myself? Of course not, but that doesn't mean it isn't good advice. Try to think about how you can still tell him you love him but give him space at the same time. How about giving him a call and telling him that you realize he needs some time right now, that you love him and will be there for him but you don't want him to feel like he is being pressured by you. Then once or twice a week you could send him a sappy card or chocolates or flowers. I know that is all girly stuff but it does get across that you love him. To be honest, this all sounds like good advice but I would have a terrible time following it.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[Gez]

(((((Carrie)))))

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. We are both actually talking again, so I'm pleased and very relieved about that.

We've both decided that we want the relationship to continue, but in order to do that, we both needed to communicate on a very deep level and that means being completely honest with eachother which I think we were. He has this great fear of loss and is feeling very inadequate right now, hence the jealousy. He has very low self-esteem from years of verbal abuse from his wife, she is not a very nice person and has no compassion whatsoever. I've spoken to her on many occasions and I can honestly say I have never known anyone so hateful and callous. She has repeatedly told me that she wants to destroy him and she seems to be doing an excellent job at that.

I'm glad I gave him the space he needed, and I love your idea about the flowers Carrie, I never thought about that.

We've both agreed that the Neurontin isn't doing him any favours so he is trying to come off that. I have to admit that I've definitely seen a change in his behaviour since hes been taking that stuff. It just isn't agreeing with him.

Thanks for your advice. Youre a sweetheart for replying.

Gez