He's marrying her!

So in April 2005 my step-mom found a cell phone bill with a phone number she didn't know and it was on there A LOT. so she called the number and the woman my dad was cheating on her with answered the phone. My dad then came home, drunk, and tried to strangle her - spending the night in jail for domestic violence.

So they, of course, got divorced and him and his "girlfriend" has been together ever since. This woman is unbelievable! I work 2 jobs and go to school. They came down to go to an honors ceremony for me and my dad pulled out his wallet to give me some money. She told him - in front of me - to put some of the money back! While she's paying for her daughter to go to school who still lives at home and doesn't pay for anything! (plus she's driving my old car which she didn't pay for).

Then, at thanksgiving, my sister made dinner for the whole family. She takes a plate, takes one bite, then makes a disgusted face and pushes the plate away and didn't have another bite. That, to me, seems extremely rude.

She talks bad about my mother when she doesn't even know her and does it in front of me! She talks bad about my sister and my brother in front of me. I just cannot stand this woman. She doesn't make an effort to be nice to anyone in the family no matter how many times we try to get to know her. Not to mention, we completely look past the fact that she (she was also married at the time) had an affair with my dad, who she knew was married!

Now I come to find out (from my sister, not even from him) that they're going to Vegas to GET MARRIED! I don't even know what to say. This will be his third marriage and she is, by far, the worst woman he has ever been with. She is rude to everyone in the family and has this arrogance about her like she's better than the rest of us! Now he's marrying her?! And, when he finally does tell me, I don't know how I am supposed to react? He knows I can't stand her and I refuse to let this woman have any part in my life at all but how can I say that to my father? I feel like I should just say "congratulations" and let it be but I know if I do that and I act happy about it she is going to try and act like my mother and I will not let that happen. She has been nothing but inconsiderate and rude to me, my mother, sister and brother and I just wish she would go away. Now she's here to stay. Ugh. I just want to scream.

You may not be able to stop him if he's determined to go ahead with it and is disregarding (what look to you and me like) obvious danger signals.

I'd say your best chance -- of living with the outcome OR, by some miracle, still intervening -- would be to see if you can figure out more specifically (1.) what he might see in her and (2.) why it might be so important to him that he'd overlook all the rest of what you've described.

Whatever it is, you might not be the one for whom it's easiest to spot, since you're so close to the situation and you've apparently had other issues with your dad besides his choice of women.

(If you did get him to change his mind about her... well, I wouldn't hold my breath, but I certainly would watch my back!)

Saluki, if I was you, I'd answer with complete honesty. It's always the best policy as far as I'm concerned. Just make sure your dad knows why you feel the way you do and that he knows WHY. It's hard to do, but you need to be up front about it.

Good luck.

You can say simply and calmly that you are surprised.
Wish them well, then go live your own life, surrounding yourself with kind caring people who cherish you.

Yes, I do have other issues with my dad. Well, he has issues period. He needs a controlling woman that will nag him to get important things done, but then gets mad when they try to control other aspects of his life. I guess he thinks he can have one without the other.

I guess it just bugs me that he LETS her do that stuff. It would be different if she were completely rude but he said "don't talk to my daughter that way" but instead he just sits there. Like she has total control over him like a puppet.

And he says they are going to Vegas because he doesn't want to make a big deal out of it since it's his third marriage. But, to me, Vegas is a big deal. I think if he honestly didn't want people making a big deal about it he'd get the marriage license and hop over to the justice of the peace instead of flying out to Las freaking Vegas. Almost like what he's saying and what he's doing are total opposites.

And I can almost guarantee you that she's the one behind this whole thing. He told me that he would never get married again. He wouldn't have married my ex-step-mom if it weren't for her pushing it. And he wouldn't have married my mother if it weren't for her. So it's obvious that he doesn't want to and that she's forcing him into this because he would be happy being boyfriend-girlfriend forever.

Even though my dad can be a huge jerk sometimes I still don't want to see him get married to this horrible woman who just bosses him around and treats him like a 5 year old. When I say 5 yr old I mean stuff like ordering his meal at restaurants type treatment....and he doesn't do anything about it.

I don't know what I'll do. I probably won't know until it happens and I imagine I'll probably just say what I always say which is "right on" lol. I just really hope she doesn't take this as an invitation to act like my mother.

This sounds harsh and I dont wish to be however I am not good with words I get them muddled somtimes....

Regarding your dad I dont see that you have any right to say anything to him as its his life. I dont think you would appreiciate (sp) being told by him that your choice of man is not the right one for you and that he really thinks that you dont really want to be married and should get rid of your boyfriend ?

Regarding you its a different matter if she is rude to you tell her ! If she is bossing you around tell her ! If she starts acting like your mum tell her !

I guess you can see a pattern here lol.

yeah I would never try to convince him out of marrying her or preach to him about it. they have been together for 4 years now and i have never brought it up once - he just knows that i can't stand her. i still go over for thanksgiving and christmas and don't say anything to him about her but he still knows.

i just don't know how to go about telling her to stop in front of my dad. unlike her, i think i have a little decorum, and don't go mouthing off in front of family members like that. but it's impossible to ever get one of them without the other - they're together as much as 12 year olds in love.

i know, deep down, that i'm not actually going to say anything - i never have the guts to. and i know i wouldn't want him trying to tell me i'm with the wrong guy (then again if a guy were ever that rude to my family i'd leave him anyway) i just needed to tell someone how awful this woman is and how much i don't want her in my life.

thanks for everyone's advice. he called me this morning but still didn't tell me. i think he's scared to. oh well. i'm sure he'll go and do it, then tell me after the fact.

I feel your frustration, loud and clear. You've done an excellent job communicating it, you seem to have a good handle on the situation, and I quite admire the tough-minded attitude you're taking.

One other thing occurs to me: I'm told that some people not only get a real charge from being dominated, but are even willing to pay to have it done. I picture them feeling as if someone must really care. I suppose it's possible that your dad might have something of the kind going on, too. Whatever his problem may be, it does seem to be taking away from his relationship with you. If his (and her!) "boundaries" (as they say) aren't very good, you may need to attend that much more carefully to maintaining yours.

Best of luck, salukigirl!

Hi,
I usually a very understanding person and try to see all sides, but this time , I'm not going to mince words. At first I was going to stay she's a ***** but as I read on - I'll add slut to that too. I know this doesn't help[ but it feels good to let it out. I doubt if they'll be happy for long anyway. Good thing your mom doesn't have to put up with him anymore.
Make sure your mom gets any support for her/you and other siblings. Don't worry about it and don't let her get away with being rude. I normally don't swear, but I hate people like this. TC

Yeah, my mom doesn't have to put up with him necessarily, but christmas and other family occasions, he's always felt it appropriate to bring her along. The first year my sister forbade him to bring her into my sister's house and he went along with it. But now she's there all the time. And, at least my ex-step-mom was nice to my mom, this woman wont even look her in the eye.

I know he has always been pretty immature and needs someone who can constantly treat him as a mother and not a wife. But yes, it has an effect on me personally.

Here's a good example: my 18th birthday my dad said he was going to take me to lucnh, get me a tattoo (i'd been begging for one for years) and then take me shopping. Pretty much spend the whole day together. So, we got to the tattoo parlor, just him and I, and without asking me, he invites her. So she shows up, is there the whole time. Then, after I'm done, they left together. So I saw my dad for about the hour it took to get my tattoo done. No lunch. N shopping. No hanging out even. That was probably the most upsetting time. The one day I wanted with my dad - one of the biggest birthday's and most memorable, and she HAD to bring herself into it. Even if he did invite her, why couldn't she understand and say "no, you need to spend time with your daughter". She had to call him when she knew we were supposed to spend the day together and somehow butt her way into it.

Yes, I'll agree that slut is the right word. He had refused her advances for months considering they were both married and she wouldn't let up. I'm not putting all the blame on her either. I know my dad should be smart enough to know how to handle tht situation. But he's only human, and when you have a woman (who is 16 years younger than him btw) hitting on him constantly.....what do you expect him to do after months of that?

And my T said that (and my dad knows this too) that I'm putting more blame on her because I don't want to 'hate' my father and it's easier to hate this woman than him so I make it seem like its all her fault. And I partially agree with that too. But....he's my dad. I can't just break off ties with him y'know. Jeezie petes.

Hi,
sorry if my post was a little nasty, its just that I'm sensitive to people who cheat. I wish people would get divorced first and then find someone new. Since he's marrying her, I think you should put aside her bad feelings for you and for your dad's sake. It isn't good for you to be seething mad in relation to her. What's done is done and you have to make the best of it. If anyone makes a fuss over him marrying her, then he'll just push those people out of his life and still go ahead with the marriage.
I agree your birthday should have been you and your dad, but once he's married then you will have to get used to her being around. Just be polite and civil - that will keep things peaceful.
If your dad does have a nasty side, then I don't have alot of hope for this current relationship. I think it will fizzle out in the future. Also there's the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" - I wonder which one will cheat first - anyone in the mood to BET LOL.
I hope everything works out between you and your dad. TC

I'm sorry this rude person is part of your life. Maybe make arrangements to see dad without her. Just the two of you get together for lunch? If you must see her, call her on it, when she says something, just tell her "That was rude and I don't appreciate it" then move on. Don't continue or argue with her, just state your displeasure. Maybe she will get the hint or not want to be around you so that you can see your dad alone. ~hugs~

Yeah, the crappy thing is that I live 6 hours away from them. So when I am in the area, I'm usually only there for a couple days. So if I'm only there on the weekend, its pretty impossible to find them apart.

I talked to my brother today and he didn't know about them getting married either so he's only told my sister. I talked to him this morning before I left to come home and he didn't say anything. And while I was home I helped my dad with a roof to make some money while I was there and I had to go by their house to pick up my check and only she was there. She really didn't say one word to me or even look me in the eye the whole time.

I know I shouldn't let her effect my relationship with my dad, they just make it really difficult to do that when they're together 24/7. And I totally agree that one is going to cheat on the other (if they haven't already). He's almost 60 so I don't think he's going to leave her. He's pretty dependent on her now and I don't think he's going to want to deal with single life in his 60's and 70's. So this one might be for good - whether they're happy or not....that's a different story.

It sounds like she wasn't comfortable around you for whatever reason. Whether that's because she actually agrees she's treated you unfairly, we may never know for sure.

As an aside, you've made an awfully convincing case against her and I'm noticing that my sympathies tend to run with you pretty much across the board. I actually have to pull myself away to consider anything like: Could she simply feel ill at ease wading into a family that was together long before she was there; be afraid of what you might eventually decide to do to her; and be (rather awkwardly) defending herself?

It does go against the grain for me to actually believe that; I just like to be able to say I didn't leave the devil's-advocate stone unturned. Having said that, I can now go back to detesting the intrusive ***** with a clear conscience.

haha it's cool. I like playing devil's advocate too. in her case i think you're doing that quite literally (okay maybe that's a little harsh haha)

Maybe a little.

salukigirl, I admire your sense of humor and you sound like one of the best-balanced people I've met in some time. Of course that could just mean we're the same kind of crazy...

Well he called me today and when he said "i forgot to tell you something when you were here last week..." I thought to myself "oh god here it comes..." then he said it. I guess they changed plans though. They're having a priest from a town just outside Dayton marry them next monday. I said congratulations and tried to sound surprised/enthused but I don't know how well I pulled it off since I'm not very good at lying to people.

I told him I probably wouldn't be there and he didn't sound too upset - I think he kind of expected that. I said it was because of work but we both know the real reason. But I figure, even if he KNOWS I hate her, if we don't openly talk about it then tension is set aside for the moment.

So I didn't say a word about me disapproving or not liking her or anything. I just said congrats and asked when and where. But if he ever tries calling her my step-mom....I will make a comment about that because she has no place in my life at all. But I think he's smart enough to realize that I don't want to refer to her as anything with the word "mom" in it.

Fool Zero - you think I'm balance cause we haven't met in person haha. And I'm all kinds of crazy so I'm sure we're the same in at least one of them lol

with lynn 200%!!