College daughter living at home

My daughter is 23 and attends full time college and still lives at home. She doesn't work as she has a full load and dental hygiene school has really taken its stress toll on her. To top it off she has one loser of a boyfriend (4 years off and on). She certainly has unresolved issues with her father never having much to do with her (she was 5 when we divorced). She and I have always had our challenges. From the moment she was born she has been a very stubborn and demanding child. I have allowed her to push my buttons over the years and I can get pretty angry with her. Since she is still living here, I support her completely and it's been a tough time for me because I didn't make much of an income and I lost my job this past January. She has this since of entitlement, my fault I'm sure, but is totally disrespectful to me when she doesn't like something I say. She gets extremely angry and tells me what a ***** I am and will tell me to **** off. About a year ago she said this to me while we were standing in the kitchen and I slapped her across the face. It totally stunned her and she went running off to her room slamming the door behind her. I've always had a problem with second guessing myself but this time, not at all. She needed a reality wake up call. For quite a while I could tell she was very careful when she became angry with me but, it's back. She's super stressed with school, fights with her boyfriend all of the time, and has no real friends to speak of. As she puts it, her life sucks. When she gets into an argument with her boyfriend, she can be heard all over the house and frankly, the rest of us sick and tired of it. My fiance (4 years) lives here and my 20 year old son who is the easiest person in the world to get along with. He's not driven like she is about academics (she has always been an A student and drives herself very hard). My son and I have always gotten a long extremely well and he never gave me the grief that she has so, she views this as I favor him over her. This surfaces often when she's angry with me. I have been supporting her, I've helped her out with school books, new computer, new tires on her car just recently, but it's never enough. The latest saga happened today. Earlier this year she applied for financial aide for school and she had to file as an Independent, meaning, the government did not need my financial information any longer (all based on her lack of funds). She mentioned to me months ago that she was told (other girls at school) that if you claim yourself on your income tax return, you would qualify for more financial aide. Of course I did not allow her to claim herself, why should I? I've supported her entirely and needed to tax breaks due to my current situation. Last week she was told by a financial counselor at school that she qualified for over $5,000 in a pell grant but when my daughter mentioned to her that I had claimed her on my income taxes, she was lead to believe that this was not a good thing. Today she received a letter from school stating that she qualified for $4,000+ in a pell grant. She is furious with me because of course I claimed her and now she won't get the other $1,000 she was told she would get. She says that I don't care about her education and that she needs all the money she can get. Now I'm greedy, I do whatever I can to make her life miserable and I don't care about her. She threw a temper tandrum screaming and yelling at me and told me that I was ****ing selfish. There is no talking to her. It's all about her and always has been. I told her I was done - no more financial help from me. I even told her if she didn't like it she needed to move on out. I walked up to her and wanted to slap her but all I did was point my finger at her and tell her to stop speaking to me in such a disrespectful way and this is when she told me to get my ****ing finger out of her face. I walked away and retreated to my bedroom. I'm at a loss. I honestly don't know what to do and she will be here one more year. The rest of us in this house can't take her up and down mood swings and her defiant disrespectful behavior. She can be so sweet and fun to be around and then can turn on a dime. I'm very worried about her. Anyone been here before? HELP!!

Have you thought of trying to get her to go into counseling, either by herself or with you? It may take awhile for the first appt. but if you go to your local mental health clinic they usually will charge on a sliding scale. Although I have to say it sounds like a month or two wait may not work for either of you.

If one or both of you decide to not try for counseling then, yes, it sounds to me - all this just my opinion - that the best thing to be done for both of you is for her to go live someplace else. Maybe you could still help her financially, if you felt it was what you wanted to do. If not, she has to learn what her new reality is and how to take care of herself and find a way to support herself. She may be better off doing that in the long run.

Actually, she did go to counseling a few years back and the therapist was a nut case. I met with her and my daughter once and all she wanted to do was talk. She wasn't helping but my daughter continued to see her and then finally stopped going. I actually told her months ago that in order for her to stay here, she would have to seek counseling again. She absolutely refused as she said they are all a waste of time. Unfortunately, I have found this to be true even in my own counseling.

I also gave her an option to move out last year and I would help her out for a few months. I thought she'd want to take me up on it but why would she, she has it made here.

I do appreciate the feedback. This is just a very tough situation.