[Gleak]

Hi again guys,

I'm very thankful for this community. I really am. It's helped me along the path of my relationship with my fiancee many times!

That being said, I have a question or two and i'm hoping that asking them here will help me clarify a couple of things.

My fiancee and I have been living together for 3.5 years, just over actually. Currently, She's 24 and i'm 29.

Recently, my fiancee has pointed out to me that our relationship started during a time of desperation for her. She's gotten into several relationships (before me) when she was desperate for someone to love her for her and it's never worked out.

Our relationship - is the longest she's ever had. Same goes for me. Neither of us have ever been engaged before either.

Knowing that - The fact that I was not much more than a free hand to grab onto when there were no others in sight - well, it's a slight self-esteem issue for me.

I wanted to be with her because of who she was. She was and IS still a wonderful person. Very easy to talk to. In fact, she's my best friend, she's my lover, she's my whole world. She says the same about me, Now.

Recently, we had something of a "blow-out". It wasn't really an argument or a fight. It was a discussion, filled with emotion.

Before I talk about that - a little background:
For about 6 months, we have been talking about starting a family. For a while, we even tried, unsuccessfully.

Anyway, here a few weeks ago, I knew something was going on with my fiancee. She had been saying for a while that she's had tons on her mind and its all stuff she needs to figure out on her own.

Slowly & Cautiously, I let it be for what it was. Every few days though, I would ask her if all was ok. She just wasn't acting like her normal self. She was more down than usual. Less talkative and less interested in me.

Normally, When I tell her "I love you!" I would get the same response - "I love you too baby!". Or something similiar

After a few weeks of her not being herself, when I would tell her that I loved her she would reply with "I will always love you." Or "I'll never love anyone as much as I do you". Things like that...

I had my suspicions that something was amiss with us. Every time I would ask her though, if WE were OK, she would say yes. Finally, I called her on it.

I asked her again, "Baby, are we ok? As in 'us' as a couple?" Again, her reply was "Yes."

Then I asked her what was on her mind and she mentioned that it was really hard to talk about, and they were issues she had to deal with herself. So I told her that I had a good idea as to what was going on.

She asked me to explain: So I did. Basically, She sees a fork on the road of our relationship. One road doesn't involve me in any way. Turned out I was right.

She explained that she is young, wants to go out and party (which we don't do. never have. I mean we went to bars together a few times, but that's the extent of partying...) and she said she desired the attention of other guys... and wanted the option to be promiscuous. Basically, she wanted independence - to be who she wanted to be... to come and go and do as she saw fit without having concern over what someone else had thought about her actions.

A lot more was said, like she didn't want to have kids nor get married but what really sticks out in my mind is her final comment before she decided she "Couldn't leave me, it would break her heart". She said: "Maybe I should really piss you off to make this easier".

Now, we had this discussion weeks ago. She is all for getting married again, but really wants to hold off on having kids. She also mentioned that we need to get out together more often and do more things together. SHe asked that I promise to go to parties if we were invited.

The day after our discussion - we both went into work late. I took her out to lunch - we discussed our plans of getting married still and how long we should hold off on having kids and off to work we both went afterward.

She does assisted living and is gone for days at a time. We call each other every night, but after this conversation - I really needed her to physically be around but she couldn't. Duty calls.

She came back home on Thursday night (she left tuesday afternoon after our lunch...) and we had plans for Saturday to go to lunch then to a zoo. Y'know.. something to do together and try to have some fun. It started to rain not long after we hit up the zoo... so we left after about an hour of getting there. Didn't even get to see half of the zoo.

Then, we rushed over to her friends place - where we stayed for 5 hours. Completely ignoring the fact that our relationship is .. shaky at best.

We didn't really talk about how all of this came up out of nowhere or anything like that (until just recently).

The following week, she learned of some overtime available at work due to a co-worker of hers getting fired. So she took the oppurtunity. She worked Tuesday morning - Sunday morning.

Sunday, when she came back I was awake really early. I hadn't seen my fiancee all week long and was excited to see her. She was supposed to get off at 8:30 in the a.m... but didn't get home until 10.

That day, she was unmotivated to do anything.. she didn't even want to leave the house - but she did HAVE to go drop something off at work, so I went with her. We rushed back home and lounged...

Monday - I had to work all day, and when I got home we ate dinner, watched tv.. and lounged. Tuesday morning, she was off to work again.. doing another double. She won't be back until Sunday morning again.

Next week, she'll be doing yet ANOTHER double. Working Tuesday - Sunday. The money will be good, no doubt about that. However, we haven't been able to really spend any quality time together and it's driving me insane.

I'm left home alone (I work 9 am - 6 pm Monday - Saturday right now). Throughout the workday - i'm not so bad, my mind is occupied on my work.
(I'm an ASE Certified automobile technician)

When I get home though - My mind begins to wander and I think about the conversation we had a few weeks ago.

The other night, I had a thought that we actually may not end up together. So I called my fiancee at work and asked if I could come see her, she agreed. Finally, we talked about some of the issues i'm bringing up here.

She told me that she had some learning to do about committed relationships. That's basically what it boiled down to.

I'm still pretty confused as to where these thoughts came from as well as where they went now. She says she doesn't have them anymore.

I also let her know that something about her actions was bugging me. I mentioned that I need to be able to trust that when she tells me theres nothing wrong and that we are ok, that there is no issue.

At the moment, i'm unable to do that... I let her know this. She said she is trying so hard and will, in the future, be fully honest about her feelings.

She also mentioned that the stuff she said about wanting to be promiscuous and having attention from other guys...etc, was just unorganized clutter in her mind that she "carelessly tossed out there". Obviously, these are things she desires though, yes?

I mean, if she was considering leaving me because of these feelings (or at least partly due to them) then they must have had some sort of foundation. Right? (she was considering all of this info for MONTHS she said - and couldn't talk to me about them)

She said that these issues boiled down to cold feet about marriage. Also, the pressure about having kids was overwhelming. My family truly loves her almost as much as I do and were asking her often "When will you two have kids?" and things like that. Her mother and sister were also asking her the same thing.

She said she thought she wanted kids now, but she realized that she doesn't. Knowing that I wanted to have kids.. she thought it to be unfair to "deny" me.

I explained to her that it truly is a big decision and it's fine to want to wait to have kids. All she had to do was mention that she wanted to wait and I would have been fine. Instead, she took it to an "extreme" (her words) and considered leaving me.

I'll reiterate again that I need to be able to trust what she says is true. She says she TRULY DID want to have kids, but doesn't now.

Anyway, i'm just really confused about all of this. She told me that I'm the love of her life, I treat her like a queen and have done nothing wrong and in fact, have done everything RIGHT. (Even during our "Conversation" I told her I just want her to be happy, even if that means we're not to be together. She liked that...)

Then why, may I ask - was she considering leaving me? I'm sure none of you can answer that, but please help me out here.

When I went and saw my fiancee at work, we talked for about 2 hours, but had to end it because she needs to be up at 6 in the a.m.

There is still more to talk about, but she doesn't understand what. I mean, the conversation is over - given. But the things she said still linger in my mind and I need to know why they were in her head to begin with so I can do what I can to change that.

Ah, I dunno. I'm just really confused. I want to be able to work this out. I know she and I are great together, but we both have to be on the same page about everything if we're going to live our one life we get, together.

I truly understand now, why so many marriages end up in divorce. Marriage (even before the I do's) is HARD WORK. I'm willing to put forth the effort to make it work. She says she is too. I'm just hoping for the best, but expecting the worst. Is that wrong?