Am I a Bad Friend???

I have a friend who, no matter the reason I call her, always manages to turn things around on her. I call her because I need a sympathetic ear, someone to vent my frustrations to, etc. and no matter how hard I try to keep the conversation where I need it, she manages to turn EVERY conversation into her own private little pity party.

We all have our problems. She's known about my bi-polar since I can remember, and when I told her my meds had been changed to some pretty serious hitters, her reaction was "Oh, geez....well Nate isn't paying me my child support and now I don't have the money for a sitter to go to the bar."

I SO wanted to hang up the phone on her!!!! Here I am, on medical leave, going through my first month of being on Lithium, and all she can say is "Oh, geez" and then make it about her. I wouldn't be posting this, but she left me a rather nasty voice mail that I was a bad friend who never listened to her problems and all I do is hide behind my disease.

Now, for those of you here that know me, know I DO NOT hide behind my disease. In fact, I hop on and ride it out for the whole 8 seconds; I control my BP, my BP doesn't control me. Although it has been a struggle battling back from my first major manic episode, I WILL be back to work April 21st.

Does it make me a bad friend for ignoring her phone calls and voicemails? Right now is a time where I need my friends to support me, not me try to support them ('cuz I'm in NO position right now to be anyone's crutch), and I have even told her as much, but she still continues with the ME ME ME attitude.

Feeling like a pus-filled boil on the arse of society,
Jenn

((((((((((((((((((DOLFIN))))))))))))))))))

Maybe your friend is not sure what to say to you or how to react to your BP.
I went on medical leave back in December for two months. I kept in close contact with only a few friends and family members. I can remember talking to a friend of mine and it was like i was talking to myself. he did turn things around but I think its because he didnt know what to say.
On the other hand, my very best friend in the world took it upon herself to research depression, anxiety disorder and OCD so she could ask questions and better relate to me. She was the only person that came to see me while I wasnt "myself". She lives an hour away and still managed to see me every weekend. I can remember the first time she came to see me she held my hand until I fell asleep.

Im sorry, now Ive done it. I have turned it around to be about me. Damn it. Im sorry.
What I wanted to say was, maybe your friend does not know what to say or how to comfort you. maybe you might want to be open about this with her. Maybe she has no idea.
As far as the nasty voicemails you have received. There is no excuse for that. Maybe just talking about it might help.
Im sorry I wasnt any help for you.

i have a sister like her. let's trade! you're not a bad friend.....i like you.......p

You are not a bad friend, SHE is... uh oh... and i'm just like her see? gosh..
Is it possible to say to her, in a nice way, that you're taking a little break now. And then just not talk to her for a while, concentrate on yourself and THEN, when you feel up to it, discuss about this with her? Maybe you could get her to realize what she is doing? With a calm, peace making tone, so she'll really listen to you. Maybe she knows about it and can't help herself? Maybe she has trouble dealing with your disease cuz you are her friend? Whatever the reason is she does this, i'm sure you'd both feel better if u had a thorough conversation about it.

i have two good friends who pretty much fit that category. i basically had to go off on them before i could make them see i was needing them at that time. (i really don't recommend that tactic). eventually i was able to set some boundaries for our conversations.when i REALLY was in need of support i had a "key word" which i would use to make them aware that i needed all their attention to help me through what i was going through at that time. it did not trivialize their problems or make them seem less significant, but it did help our friendship to know the boundaries were there.any real friend will not force themselves or their troubles upon you in your time of need. hope this helps.

alikat

There are a few things i left out, just to save time.

She is supposed to be medicated as well, for depression and anxiety, but refuses to take the meds, because they make her doped up (the longest she stayed on them was 4 days, not nearly long enough to develop the tolerance your body needs).

In all honesty, i don't think trying to talk to her about it would work, because she will find SOME way to turn it around on her. Like I said, I need to concentrate on getting myself well, and I think it would be best if I continued to 'ignore' her for the time being. I hate the fact that I can't be there for my friends like I was before, but I'll get back there soon enough. I jsut hope she can see through her selfishness to realize WHY I've had to do this.

Jenn

I don't think you're a bad friend.

I have had to let some "friendships" go because I eventually grew enough to recognize that they were not supportive or mutual. That is very hard if (a) the friendship or tie is long-standing; you have a "history" together and (b) one doesn't have many friends and (c) one lacks self-confidence to believe that there will be other, better friendships.

Just know that it's not you, she is not being reciprocal.

(((((((((Dolfin))))))))))))))

Okies, this is gonna drag the thread out a little bit more, but, my friend strikes again!

She called me again (of which I let my voice mail answer) and was drunk and cursing me to the four corners for not being there for her when I need her the most. She also threw in a few four-letter words about me, which I took great offense to.

Per my T's suggestion, I have decided that she is going to get a firmly worded e-mail about my feelings and her insensitivity to my situation. She clearly does NOT want to follow her doctor's advice and stay on her meds, but instead is self-medicating through alcohol. This is not a person I need or want in my life right now.

It is tearing me apart that I have to be so harsh with her, but I need healthy relationships if I'm going to continue to make myself healthier mentally. Her self-medicating ways only make me more stressed out, which isn't conducive to my ongoing battle with my bi-polar.

I don't think a phone call or a face-to-face will get through to her, so my only other option is e-mail at this point.

Please pray I'm doing the right thing.

Jenn

Well, she's gone and done it. She called just a half hour ago, drunk, and left another belligerent message. She has tried my patience to its limits and then some. I called her back right away, and we just had it out on the phone. She kept trying to interrupt me as I was having my tirade, but I just talked louder (neighbors prolly think I'm totally nuts, if they only knew LOL).

I told her I'd had enough of her pity parties, drunken tirades and outrageous expectations of me. I reminded her that I'm fighting like Hell to get back to work, I can't be her crutch and I don't need her bulls**t on top of it. If she didn't want to listen to her doctor and take her meds, fine. Just don't call me drunk with her petty ********, because as of TODAY it's all about ME for a change.

I didn't really give her a chance to respond, I just said that was all I had to say on the matter, and I would call her when I was ready to try to be friends again, and hung up the phone. She hasn't called me back.

So much for my strongly worded e-mail (yard work prevailed today). But at least I laid it all out on the table, and now its up to her to decide if she'll let ME lean on her for a change.

Yes, I'm pretty upset still, but I am pretty sad that it had to come to this. But, I have to take care of Number One, and trying to sort out her crap isn't helping me at all.

by gosh, you did it! good for you!!!! i agree with Wants...i've grown and i've had friends that stayed stuck in that hell and i simply cannot stay there with them. i have fewer friends now and more time to do things for myself and my grandchildren........xoxoxo pat

Dearest Jenn,

Thank you for the mental image of the boil! eeewwww

Your friend is no friend. She is toxic for you. Get away from her. I know it's really hard, but you must get her out of your life. Tell her so, even if it's in a voice mail. You must do it.

You know you are a wonderful friend and supporter. You know that. Quit questioning yourself and take care of you. You are a very important person! I know!

Love,

Jan

Jenn,

I am telling you that you are doing the right thing. What would you tell me if I were in the very same situation? You would tell me to do the very thing you are doing. Please block her phone number so you don't have to listen to her ranting and raving anymore.

((((((((((((((((Jenn))))))))))))))))

Jan