ugh what do I do?!

My hubby and I are separated and have been for a few months. We were both unhappy and I left to work on myself because I had become so emotionally dead and knew there was no way I could make him happy in the state I was in.

The problem is, he's getting better which is great, but I'm getting worse. I have panic attacks daily and feel like I'm even more emotionally numb than before I left. He's pressuring me to make a decision to come home or divorce him and I'm paralyzed with fear.

My T thinks it's an unhealthy relationship and that I should not stay in contact with him, but he keeps calling or texting me and I fall instantly into a panic attack and can't breathe. He says he wants to hate me...that it would be so much easier, but i don't hate him at all. I just want him to be happy.

The hubby suggested that we have no contact whatsoever for a few months and see if that helps me, but my worry is that it's just prolonging the inevitable. He says I'm destroying him and breaking his heart, and in turn, it's breaking mine...should I just divorce him and hope he heals and can find happiness? Or should I do the few month no contact thing and see what happens?

I'm soooooo overwhelmed!

you need to identify why speaking to him causes you to have a panic attack! that's the most important thing.

it sounds like you're still in lov with him which is understandable!

you need to put yourself first in this. what do YOU need to do to feel better? to stop the panic attacks?

I feel selfish to put myself first.

I think putting yourself first is not selfish, it's reasonable and a must do thing. What I read here:
1) he's pressuring you
2) talking to him causes panick attacks
3) he said he wants to hate you (?!)

You have to think of what's best for you, of what you want, and not how to make him feel happy. From what you've said here, it doesn't look like he's thinking how to make you happy.