[gnat]

When my parents were divorced my mom's response to escaping an abusive alcoholic husband who expected her to be June Cleaver was to quit doing anything. She got a job, but the housework slipped, she quit cooking, eventually even grocery shopping and errand running slipped by the wayside. So much so that i remember having to do things like put baby powder in my hair to mask it's greasiness as we frequently ran out of shampoo, getting tampons from friends (Which was humiliating at that age) and sneaking them and hiding them when she bought them for herself. We had little food in the house and on my 16th birthday I got a job and used some of the money to buy food and hygiene items for myself and my little brother. Mom always said this was because we were poor.

When I got older I learned that while I was buying groceries, mom was stashing money away, making extra payments on her mortgage while saying she didn't have money for shampoo. I was upset and made the mistake of telling my husband who became very angry with her and goes through phases where he gets stuck on it and is incredibly rude to her.

Now he's upset with her again as I am going through the process of sneaking behind her back to get DNA testing to answer a question of if my father is really my father (a result of a conversation I overheard, long story...) My husband is angry again and the other day started confronting her on her treatment of me as a teenager. This stresses me out to no end. I try to explain the past is the past, that his behaviors are what are upsetting me in the present, but his resentment for her is growing.

I'm not really looking for a fix, one doesn't exist. I just need to vent. Especially as my anxiety grow each day while I await the answer to my DNA testing because if Dad is not my biological father, I will need to have an incredibly uncomfortable discussion with her while trying to maintain the peace.

[unaluna]

Hmm. Does your husband have someone in his own life that he is avoiding confronting? Sounds to me like he is picking the easier fight. Tell him you're on to him and that you should each fight your own personal battles. I mean yeah you back each other up, but you don't take over.

[gnat]

No, he confronted his parents years ago.

[SilverNeurotic]

Even if it's not exactly true, perhaps the best course of action is convince your husband that you've forgiven your mother from the way you were treated as a kid/teenager. Maybe it will calm your husband and things can be a bit more civil.

[gnat]

I have tried, but he won't listen. He's newly upset because I've been struggling with other issues that have to do with mom, by I'm not ready to talk to her about it yet. I'm gathering evidence first an if what I suspect turns out to be true, then I'll confront her.