[ss32]

Hi, I have been a member here for awhile and like to read posts, but have never actually posted anything. So here it goes..this is my first!

I am having issues with my husband bc of his ex-girlfriend. That's right..a girlfriend. From 2 plus years ago..and they had an extremely bad relationship..off and on again constantly and other problems. But she was his "first" so i feel like he has an emotional attachment to her still bc of things that have happened in our relationship.

When I first met him, he didn't want to talk about her and acted as if their relationship was horrible and he hated her. He broke up with her specifically to date me cuz i would have nothing to do with him when he had a gf.

So fast forward..i find out that he was talking to her behind my back whole time we were dating and never mentioned it to me. ANd when he got upset at me he would hint at her through weird aim statuses and such. I talked about it with him, we agreed he would stop talking to her and all bc he wanted to marry me. And then things were good for a long long time.

Fast forward again..so after some months of being married, when he gets angry at me, he starts comparing me to her. Regretting he married me, saying she is a thousand times better than me, etc. And then the worst came when he decided to compare me to her sexually. He is the only one i have ever been with bc of my morals. So u can see how devastated i was, and still am. I feel extremely insecure now, non-attractive, and undesirable. And i am a good-looking girl, and young - i know that, but i still feel insecure. And have little desire to have sex with him anymore bc of the detail he went into when comparing us.
He always compares me out of anger..and then later apologizes and says he was just angry, bla bla. But then he always does it again.

Then some months ago, i caught him emailing her. She called me a bunch of names (btw she still loves him and would do anything to be with him), etc and he basically agreed with her that it was stupid for him not to talk to her. I knew something was up with him tho, and found out he had lied to me, and purposely deceived me into thinking he had blocked her when in reality he just switched to using a new email. I threatend to divorce him, and was going to, but he was beggin me and crying etc and so i gave in. He promised to never mention her or talk to her again and gave me his passwords etc. BUT then 2 weeks later he is back to comparing me again. It got really bad and he was extremely sorry bc i dont want sex anymore, and then everything got better until now (been about 6 months). I noticed him talking to one of his ex's friends a lot, and this friend also has tons of pics of his ex on her page. I started to get one of those bad feelings u know..gut instinct, then today i tried to have simple convo with him about us spending more time together and he flipped out saying i can deal with him or leave, and i just played it cool..so he started talking about his ex again, and said he was waiting to talk about her cuz he knows that will get me to leave him.

The problem is i kno he doesnt want that, and i kno he is stressed with school and is gone studying all day, and he flips when he gets angry. im just such a forgiving person i want to forgive all the time. plus i have mild depression from time to time, so right now i just feel like crap and cant motivate myself to make any decisions. I am thinking of leaving and getting an apt by myself, but i have no friends where we moved and no one to help me move. Not to mention no money. I am afraid he still has feeling for her, bc he moved onto me so quickly that maybe he never really got over her. he denies this tho.

He is a great guy and has so many good qualities, i just can't deal with this ex problem or his angry outbursts. And as i mentioned with my morals, i really think divorce is a bad thing, and even moving out..which is why i am having a hard time figuring out what to do or feel. I am becoming numb to the whole situation. Our marriage has been rocky for awhile too, which doesn't help. I feel like he really isn't happy with me, but is just staying in it bc he loves me and also thinks divorce is wrong. He hasn't made much effort to talk to me or spend any time with me in the last week, and i feel like he is doing his best to push me away.

Sorry for this being so long, i just dont know where to turn anymore and need any support, advice i can get. The people i see posting on here seem to give awesome advice and personal expereinces so i thought it would help me maybe.

Thanks

[CJR520]

You might start asking yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with a person who lies, and is mentally abusive, and if you want to raise a family with a man like this. Children in this household would be miserable like you are. I feel terrible that you are going through this, but please consider and care for you. Good Luck!!

Wow...

I would leave and fast !

[Lenny]

Absence does make the heart grow fonder....

If there is any way that you could leave the environment for a bit and then if he asks you to come back..(he will),,,state that you will try if he agrees to go to marriage conseling with you...

If you want this to work you both will have to work on it...

With Care,

Lenny

[jerrymichele]

I'm sorry that he's hurting you. IMO I would set boundaries with him. For an example the next time he compares you to the ex-gf, I would tell him that he can get out. I would also tell him that if he doesn't do marriage therapy that your going to leave the relationship. The same with the emails. If I was you, and you caught him with another email, I would put him out, just as fast as I seen it. Also when you tell him your going to do something, and he does it again than you need to follow threw with what you say, or he isn't going to stop doing what he's doing. It really doesn't matter if he is stressed or not. It doesn't give him a right to treat you bad. Just so you know, you can keep posting, or post when you feel like. I call this place my pc family. We are all here to help one another.

[ss32]

Thank you all for your replies and advice. I got him to go to counseling with me once (although i dont really call it counseling bc it was just with a married couple from church..) and it didn't seem to help much. I would love to go again to a real psychologist, etc. but he doesn't seem to be into it.

So I am planning on moving out I think. He keeps bugging me and telling me to leave, and even when i just ignore him and stay he follows me and tells me to leave. So I don't know what else to do, because I can't stand being in this environment anymore. What really annoys me is that he is never home..he only comes home to sleep for 6 hours, thats it. I wish he would leave but he won't.

I am just so confused, and don't know what to do. It's so embarrassing because we just had this big church wedding celebration...because he wanted to. I did it for him, then he turns around and tells me to divorce him and leave, etc. I feel like i am completely being played. And all my money went into this marriage...and now I have none. He brought nothing.

And He just flips like no other...when the times are good, they are real good. He acts like i am the most amazing person in the world and proclaims his love for me to everyone..then a week later its the complete opposite..he hates me. And he lies about me behind my back to friends. So now that i am leaving, he is saying that i better keep my mouth shut or else he is going to spread vicious lies about me to our friends. this is the person i married!!!! i feel so violated..no one else sees this side of him. Like on the outside he is the most charming, perfect person you would ever meet. Everyone falls in love with him as soon as they meet him. And as a consequence everyone assumes im the problem if we ever have any problems. So i am just alone in this..and ready to move. there is really nothing else to do at this point...he doesnt want to try to work on the marriage and im sick of giving into him.

Sorry for ranting..i just have no one i trust enough to talk to, bc even if i do they will end up talkign to him and he will just make up a bunch of lies. So im stuck. thank you all for being so caring..

[jerrymichele]

Where are your parents at? Do you have anyone in your family? You know this isn't you this is him. IMO he's being a complete jerk. You really don't deserve this. Leaving him would probably be a blessing. I hate saying that, but it's true. When he start's argueing with you, just walk away from him. Tell him that your not going to argue with a child. Anyways keep posting, you shouldn't need to deal with this all alone.

[marjan]

now that you are young and beautiful is better to leave....you need time to heal....
sorry to hear that, but he's such a child....I'm afraid that he got married with you because he wanted to hurt her...comparing you to somebody who was in his life while back is so ugly and imature....
It's so hard, but you guys can stay separated for a while and see how things will go....
he looks abusive this way....
wish you the best
Marjan

[ss32]

Thank you both so much, it really helps to be able to have someone take time to listen. I did finally call my parents, and talked to them a little bit about it, but actually things ended up working out with my husband..because i got him to agree to leave and live with a friend nearby. So he said he will stay there as long as i need him to. I am feeling better and happier already..and I just want to focus on myself and get back to feeling like I use to. And hopefully trying to make some friends around here, and not focusing so much on him.

And marjan..i am afraid of the same thing, because he seems to feel no remorse or shame talking about her. He was even doing it today before I walked out. That's when he finally called and said he would get out if i wanted him to.

So I guess I will see how things go from here. All i know is that i am in no hurry to take him back..i want to enjoy things again and we'll see how he acts when im gone and if he wants to go to counseling. Im not really concerned with him right now tho. i feel much freer and happy now..thank you all again for your advice. I appreciate it, and really needed that extra boost to push myself into making the decision.

Great ! Now change your locks as fast as he leaves and get in touch with a solictor and file for seperation.

Just in case he decides he is not happy at his friends and moves back in while you are at work.

[VickiesPath]

By the way, "solicitor" is English for lawyer. In case you didn't know.....

I am soooooo glad you broke your streak of not posting!!! You did it just in time! I bet reading posts was helpful for you over the months.. seeing other people work through their problems with support from the PC community is very inspiring. I think it is, anyway.

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

[marjan]

good that he left and you feel better....

Trust me, he would never ever change....This is who he is....If he goes and get married with the other woman, he will constantly talking about you to her....that's how he manipulates women to make them jealous and get more attention from them....This type of guys are the PLAYER!!!!
Have you ever talked to the ex-girlfriend? She might tell you the same patterns....

Stay away from him and try to concentrate on your life and as you said, you are young and very soon you will find somebody else and be in love again....

with love
Marjan