[Jennifersweeps]

I am 19 and live with my mom and stepdad. I have a part-time job, and I'm in school. My boyfriend is 18, doing well in school, and lives with his mom (whom has cancer and she hates me) and the rest of his family 3 hours away from me. My stepdad is my boyfriend's older brother. [confusing, i know.]

We used to live together when his father was dying of cancer, and our unrequited love was finally returned on both parts. We started dating and it was the happiest I'd ever felt. (We did have to keep our relationship a secret from his parents though, which was stressful .) His father passed away, and we eventually moved to where we are today. That started the long distance relationship. On our one year "anniversary" he came to visit for the summer and said that he wanted to stay, he couldn't stand his mom's house (understandably). He applied for jobs, but couldn't get one. It was already like the middle of summer. Some new information regarding his only source of income from social security benefits forced him to go back home and finish high school, or he'd be cut off. So now he's there doing amazing in school and saving his money.

I went to visit for the weekend, we stayed in a hotel room. He paid for everything. He told his mom he was at a friend's birthday, so she's like calling when we're trying to be intimate....and I was getting kinda angry and being sarcastic, like "that's REAL sexy, having your mom call and everything." What's weird to me is that when I arrived after my long drive, I didn't feel like kissing him, or hugging him intimately, all I did was lay on the bed, tired, and I felt like this doesn't feel like the same relationship it used to. We don't seem like the same people, exciting each other and giggling just because we see each other after a long time of being apart. I didn't tell him any of this, because he's really sensitive and gets depressed easily. He'd think that we were going to break up, that he's not good enough for me, or not worth anything. This is NOT true. I love him to death....i just get bored sometimes. With the same moves, the same foreplay, the same look in his eye, the same "your so sexy" line. Sometimes I wanna be called stunning....magnificent...gorgeous...radiant. I don't know what is it thats making him less attractive to me.....That's what I need help with. I need to know if our relationship is just not compatible, or if there's something we can do to make it work.

I'll outline some of our problems

I (usually) can think of more than one way to explain things or ask him a question, but he can think of only one and that one I don't understand, either because it's not in-depth enough for my liking, or it's too simple....like only a 10-year-old would understand. He doesn't understand what i'm trying to say most of the time, and gets upset when i get upset that he can't just answer the question. (understandable.) i never want him to feel like he's less of a man because of it.

He forgets to try new things. I want things like....passion, like in a porno or something. Slow and sensual. He seems to think that all i need is one thing, all he has to do are the things he knows turn me on. But the problem is that it doesn't anymore. I'm just barely hanging in there. I tell him all the time that i don't want to be able to predict whats going to happen, i want it to be spontanious. When it's predictable, these thoughts start running through my head: "Damn, he's probably going to do the same thing as last time because i said i liked it....now all i can think about is how i'm not going to like it, cuz now it's boring. I can't even focus on the pleasure anymore." And it pretty much spirals downward from there. He's a good performer in bed, i just wish it wasn't all the same. even different combinations of things he's done in the past isn't satisfying enough. I don't want to run out of things for him to do......? I just really want new and exciting things to "set me on fire" as my horoscope would put it.

Another problem which I've mentioned before is his mom. She had specifically asked my stepdad not to bring me next time he and my mom visits. At some point she figured out that we were more than friends. I don't care that she doesn't like me....I really don't. I think what bothers me the most is that he doesn't stand up to his mom. He just says she's crazy, she ignores what he's saying, ends the conversation, or brings up how his dad didn't want us getting too close before he died. I DONT CARE what she says. She's not his wanna-be life-long partner.....and I want to be acknowledged as the person he loves and wants to share his life with. He gives up too easily, doesn't want to upset his mom because she's basically dying of cancer, and I feel like he has no guts to stand up for what he believes in.

I just realized that it is him that I am having a problem with......I always wanted to be with someone who can stand up for themselves, stand up for others, atleast the love of their life. I know he's worried about being kicked out because his mom is unpredictable. His whole personality seems to get to me sometimes, maybe it is getting boring for me. But is that selfish? Is there anything we can do together to help fix this? Should I tell him everything and risk him falling into a depression thinking i dont wanna be with him? cuz i do.....i really do. If i had to pick someone to live with the rest of my life, it'd be him.

Sometimes we talk about kids and I'm constantly asking him WHAT IF questions, and his answers I almost NEVER like. He wasn't raised the best, but says that he wants his kids to feel loved and wanted, and accepted. But when I bring up things like "What if our kid was scared in their room because of a storm, or thought there was something in there and they came running to your bedroom, would you let them sleep in your bed? cuddle with them? tell them it's going to be alright?" His answer made me wanna cry, only because he said the same thing that his parents would have said to him when he was little. "Get your *** in bed! Get out of here!" To me that sounds neglectful. I DO NOT want to raise kids in that environment.

I don't know if future scenarios are enough to say this isn't going to work....We have different ideas about how to talk to kids, i have different beliefs because i'm really into psychology and possibly long-term effects of the things you say to your kids from the time they are born. He should know this from his own past experiences, but he doesn't seem to think his childhood was ever as bad as I describe it. But I know I'm right, because his mom does the same things to her 2 grandchildren (whom she has custody over as a foster parent.) God help us all.

Please help! I know it's a lot to take in, but I can't afford professional counseling =/

[RomanSunburn]

Hey there! Welcome to PC!

My first question is how long have the two of you been officially dating? This isn't an uber important question, but it will help me understand your relationship a little bit.

I also wanted to mention the fact that you are still quite young (I know, this coming from someone only a few years older than you isn't going to sound like great advice). When my boyfriend and I started dating around that age, we both still had a lot of maturing to do. I would purposely pick fights over things I knew we didn't agree on as a way of saying "see, we're not compatible! We're never going to last!" It was pretty dumb, but for some reason, I really felt like I had to stick it to him, that his opinions were wrong, that we weren't right together. Like you, I'd often get really upset with his answers to questions I'd ask. But after breaking up for 6 months and getting a little older and a little more mature... Those strong opinions we had about things began to change. I guess I just wanted to let you know that, while you might not think so now, opinions on having children and how to raise them... they're likely to change a little, for the both of you. There's no need to worry about these things now -- you're both still so young, enjoy life while you can!

The next thing I wanted to mention is that a relationship between a son and his mother are... well... They're tricky. I can't quite explain it (not being in one myself, I'd probably be quite useless if I tried to explain them!). But you can't be too hard on your boyfriend because of how he interacts with his mother. He still lives with her, and still has to follow her rules to some degree (of legal age or not, he's still some what dependent on her). Also, it's even trickier cause she's dealing with cancer. He just lost his dad not that long ago, and it appears he's going to be losing his mother sooner than most 18 year olds. While you are still young, and not married, try not to let their relationship affect your relationship with him. And, another tid bit I learned from my boyfriend... His mother, while I won't go as far as saying she hates me, she is definitely less than thrilled with the choice he made in dating me. But I always thought my boyfriend was like yours, never stood up for me or anything. I was actually wrong, he has stood up to her for me, he just never felt the need to tell me this. Even though his mom didn't change that much (which is why I never noticed he had actually said anything to her), it was still reassuring to know that he did stand up for me, on his own free will, in his own way. I guess, I just don't want you to judge your boyfriend too harshly, especially when it comes to his mother. He may be standing up for you in little ways that you don't notice. He is probably also struggling to keep some sort of peace and balance. You also don't want to make him feel like he has to choose between you or his mom, because that's not necessarily fair.

The last thing I want to mention is the whole being in a rut business in bed. My best advice here is to talk to him. He probably doesn't understand what you mean by "be spontaneous." He probably needs some more direction. He is doing his best to keep you interested. I feel that you may have put intimacy on a little bit of a pedestal. Perhaps just try to open up the lines of communication a little more; help him understand exactly what you need/are looking for.

I hope I was able to help a little bit. I know when I post, I often have a tendency to ramble a little, so I apologize if this was long winded, confusing, or just plain useless.

Best wishes and I hope everything works out for you!
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Ro