 |
| FAQ/Help |
| Calendar |
| Search |
|
#1
Dec 21, 2009, 07:54 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
So I'm in a bit of a complicated situation right now. Here's the story:
About a month ago, my girlfriend came back from a study abroad trip--we're both college students (she's 21 and I'm 23)--and since then has been exhibiting unhealthy tendencies with alcohol. I had been reserving judgment, as I wasn't sure that there actually was a problem, per say, but we had talked about it on at least one occasion. That was prior to yesterday. Yesterday was the day that I realized that there was definitely a problem and I brought it up with her. We ended up having a pretty serious conversation, during which I gave her an ultimatum: that if she doesn't cut this out, I would leave her, because I'm not willing to live with the worry and stress that comes from what might happen to her when she's drunk. Of course, it is also an attempt at helping her. Here's where it gets a little more complicated though. I have been dealing with depression in its various forms for the past 9 years. For the last 4-5 years, it has settled into dysthymia. Now me and my girlfriend have been dating for just over a year now, and it wasn't until very recently that I began to open up to her about my problems. Well yesterday, after our emotional exchange, she told me that she would choose me over alcohol. But somehow this didn't feel right. You see, the past several times that she has gone out and hung out in a social capacity, I have opted to instead stay at home. The reason: because I deal with a certain amount of social anxiety that is exacerbated during low times for me. I told her that I see myself isolating from others and I don't want to somehow push that unhealthy lifestyle on to her. The thing is, I see that our lifestyles are changing and moving in different directions. This bothers me, but I don't want to take her fun away from her. So basically now it is unclear, I think to the both of us, whether or not there actually is an ultimatum in place that says "alcohol or me, period." From my experience with alcoholism, there is no reverting back to casual, normal/healthy drinking, so from that regard I think that maybe I should pose that exact, black-and-white kind of ultimatum. However, at this point, even though it has become very clear to me that there is a problem, I do not know whether it is reversible. Perhaps, seeing as how this is a relatively new problem, she can return to that normal-type of drinking, and I won't have to impose any sort of totalitarian deadlines. But there's more: Now, seeing as how its not entirely clear on where we stand as far as this ultimatum goes, I don't know whether I have the right to get upset with her if I find out that she's been drinking. And the problem is that right now, she's living about 1.5 hours away from me, so I can't really know, a) if she even has been drinking or b) if she has been, how much. All I can do is go off of clues. And be suspicious. But worse yet, I don't know if I want to get upset with her. While I certainly do not want to permit a developing problem in the girl that I may want to spend the rest of my life with, I also don't know how I can handle living up to my end of the bargain. As I mentioned before, it wasn't until very recently that I began to open up to her completely. And she has been incredibly receptive and supportive about the entire thing. I mean, she's absolutely wonderful, and I think that I kind of need her support right now, since I think that I'm at a bit of a pivotal point in my recovery (I'm about to take time off from school and focus intensively on improving my emotional well-being). If I was to have to break up with her over something like this, or even be constantly suspicious about her drinking (because I'm just not around to know the truth) which would put a ton of strain on our relationship, I don't know what kind of negative repercussions that would have on my recovery. So, that's my situation. I need some advice: what do I do? Do I establish a clear ultimatum with her or do I allow her a it more leeway because that in turn allows me a bit more leeway in enforcing my side of the bargain? Also, should I even be in the situation right now where I am imposing an ultimatum? Perhaps I should just keep things at an ultimatum-less state, where she simply knows that I am not ok with her drinking habits, but only actually put myself into a position of enacting some sort of consequence, when I'm healthy enough to deal with a break up.. Thanks guys, Brent |
|
#2
Dec 21, 2009, 11:11 PM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Dont sell yourself short there are plenty of other women in this world. Find one and leave this one be. If you make her choose you will just make her lie.
|
 brentiful
|
|
#3
Dec 22, 2009, 06:52 AM
|
|||
|
|||
|
If you issue an ultimatum and do not follow through if the contingency is breached, your friend will realize there are no consequences she needs to be concerned about.
For example, if she continues to imbibe but agrees to seek help because she realizes she has a problem, will you leave her because of the ultimatum? Or, will there then be another ultimatum: Get help now or I will break up with you? What if she gets help but continues to drink? My thought is that ultimatums restrict flexibility. You have let her know how you feel. Wait and see how see responds. If it is not working for you, then you have a choice to make. Good luck. |
| brentiful
|
|
#4
Dec 22, 2009, 03:30 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
-Brent |
|
#5
Dec 22, 2009, 03:42 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
Quote:
in the meantime, i just don't know how to deal with the suspicion on my part. should i be out to "bust" her, or should i follow more of an ignorance is bliss sort of model? while admittedly, in both scenarios suspicion will inevitably be present, in the latter i'm at least not entertaining it and its not adding extra stress to the relationship. i think that really, i need things to be as stable as possible right now, but i don't want that to mean that i conduct things in an unhealthy manner... |
|
#6
Dec 23, 2009, 06:41 AM
|
||||
|
||||
|
Hi there,
I am a am alcoholic (4 years sober) and it took me an a firm ultimatium to stop drinking. I can't have just one drink... It's always been like that for me so it was all or nothing. In the end I was going to lose everyone important and special to me and I made the decision (after a huge binge that lasted 3 days I might add) that I wanted my life with the people I loved and could do without the drinking. It was a hard road and I did it cold turkey, no AA or anything like that, just family and my boyfriend of the time to listen and help when I was feeling low. I still to this day would like to get drunk (having recently broken up with my other half - I'm at my lowest point) but it wll solve nothing. Tell her that you are wanting her to stop because you love her and want her life to get better. It's a hard road but you have to be firm, if she trusts you then you are half way there. Good luck 
__________________
 How I describe myself: Honest, caring, trustworthy, reliable and generous.
|
|
#7
Dec 23, 2009, 12:03 PM
|
|||
|
|||
|
@Belle1979: i hope that it doesn't come to that, but if it does, i will remember what you've said. thank you.
|
| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
|
My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.
Linear Mode
