[candragabel]

My husband and I have not been married for long. We got together January 2007 and married September 2009. I love my husband more than anything else in the world aside from our children however I have been noticing things that I am not quite sure how to feel about or how to address it.

My husband has a stressful job and is undercompinsated however he assepted the job offer in the name of getting back to work which is common in this economy. I feel that he is detatched. He does not regularly help with the children during late night hours. If he wakes to one of our twins crying in the night he will pretend to still be sleeping and wait for me to wake to console them. This is frusterating to me some more times than others however I try to be understanding that he has to go perform a job the following day as I do not so I usually do not complain. There are times I feel that it should be a shared responsibility all the time rather than only when we are fighting about the issue. Trying to talk about this issue with him has proven to be unseccessful because he takes my feelings as insulting his ability to be a parent which is discouraging to me to continue trying for a resolution.

I feel that my husband has become so used to me solving problems that he forgets that there are times when I have a problem that I may need help with. I am not a person that openly shows emotion nor talks about it with anyone. I am more of a "suffer in silence" type because I was raised to not bother others with my emotional problems. I usually keep a consistant front on and typically am able to divide emotion with what I have to do or think. I go on auto pilot when I have emotions that need resolution. When I try to tell my husband that I need his help so I can sort these problems out for myself he behaves as if my emotional need is an inconvenience for him. Making remarks as "I never had help with this type of problem..." as if I should not be relying on him for his support. I have difficulty speaking to him because he sees me as "together" all the time. He cannot recall how many times he had seen me cry because it happens so seldom. I lost a friend a couple weeks ago to suicide and really needed his support. He showed nothing but irritation. It took me yelling and crying, clearly not composed behavior which he is not used to from me, to get him to help me with the kids so that I could be alone to try to cope. I do not like allowing my children to see me upset.

I am not sure what I should do to improve these type of issues. He refuses counseling with me for possible solutions from a proffessional. He looks down on seeking help with mental or emotional matters. I have tried reading and researching communication techniques to try to solve them and those have yet to work as well. I don't like talking to people close about it because I do not want to change their view of my husband. He is a wonderful husband and father to our children just he and I are having trouble understanding eachother right now....

[jerrymichele]

I'm sorry that your going threw this. I'm having problems in my relationship also. If your husband won't go to therapy then you should go by yourself. It's natural to have emotions. Keeping them bottled up isn't doing any good. I do agree that your husband should help you out. I bet your hands are always full having twins. Keep posting. At least here you can exspress yourself.

To be blunt, it seems your spouse is a wonderful husband and father when it is convenient. His intractability is disconcerting. One who denigrates your feelings and concerns eventually may leave you unfulfilled and angry.

I hope I am wrong. Good luck.