[blkchr91]

My wife and I are very close. We have become this way because we love each other, but also because we have been excessively alienated by everyone that we know including both of our biological families and "friends" for no apparent reason.

I am relatively young and she is definitely younger than me. With so much emphasis on each other, I am really worried that it will be difficult to truly get on it with it after the other dies.

It is not a matter of making the effort with people to maintain friendships for us and it is not a matter of being social to keep friends.

We have been there, done that, and are tired of it. Put it this way....We have stopped caring about why others don't like us and are doing the best to live our own lives the best we can.

How can either one of us get on after the other one goes?

Thanks!

[lynn P.]

Yes no doubt it would be hard - but remember one thing - you're each a complete person or you should be working on that principle- that you don't complete each other, but rather you 'enhance one another'. I'm so happy you feel so close - it warms the heart.

[blkchr91]

Hey thank you for writing and caring!

I don't feel complete without my wife. I don't think it is "proper". Could you expand a little bit? I hate seeing the "me, me, me" I encounter all day.

On the bus or train it is my "vacation time" or "my land" or "my blackberry" or "my boat" or "my retirement".

It gets old. I know that is not what you are trying to say, but I don't know how to be a complete person and avoid becoming one of "them".

I like material things too, but I don't like to boast about them or make others jealous.

Any thoughts?

Thanks!

[lynn P.]

What I meant was - is you start with a healthy minded complete person, then you meet another who's the same = where you both enhance each others completeness. There's no doubt there would be a void and I think it's nice to feel that deep connection. I was trying to help you think healthier so, if one of you leaves before the other, you can still feel like living. Sorry if you thought I was implying selfishness because that wasn't the concept I was conveying - thanks for asking me to explain though.

Another healthy way to think is - enjoy every moment you have right now and don't worry about death because you both might live to 100+ God willing - you don't want to waste precious time worrying. Best of luck and you're lucky you share a beautiful love like this.

[blkchr91]

Thank you very much for your wisdom.

[thunderbear]

Hey there. No advice just letting you know my husband and I are the exact same way. No friends no relatives just us. We don't mind. I also think about the same thing you are describing. I think it's normal to wonder that especailly in such a close relationship like that.

[ECHOES]

I imagine it will be and is truly difficult being the spouse left behind. How could it not be..

It is something you can't plan for emotionally. I think it would help to cultivate a circle of friends who care about one another and who value friendship. Then you would have some caring personal support when needed (and would provide that to friends when needed, too)

Mayhap of interest: http://www.nia.nih.gov/healthinforma...ons/spouse.htm

[StarTrekker]

I constantly share your same fear. I feel as if my attatchment to my husband is so profound that it is unhealthy. I fancy that mother feel this with their children, too. It feels like if you have each other, than who cares if the world ends. I think we should both check out Byzantine's link.

[Psyched]

Sadly, one spouse will die before the other someday. My mother just died two months ago. (Needless to say, the holidays were not happy- thank goodness last year is over.) My dad is having a really difficult time. He's very lucky that he has children & grandchildren & friends who have invited him over for dinner, etc., to keep him company. But it's still incredibly lonely & hard for someone to live in a home where there wife suddenly isn't there, where the person with whom he shared every part of his life (including his business) is gone, & everything he sees reminds him of that. I wish he could move, but he can't with the crisis this country is experiencing. I think that it's a good thing that you're worried about what will happen now, b/c you can take steps to be ready. Develop interests & hobbies that you can do by yourself. Things would be much easier for my dad if he had done that. That's the best advice I can give you. I'm trying to do that for myself, b/c I'm getting old & I don't have a husband. So consider yourself lucky to have your wife & enjoy her now, as Lynne wrote.

[lynn P.]

I wonder also if men might have a more difficult time when their spouses pass, especially if the women are the main caregiver - meaning they do all the cooking and cleaning. Especially if they're elderly and retired they would be together all the time - it would be so difficult losing your life companion.

(((Psyched))) - so sorry to hear about your Mother passing. I hope your family/friends can encourage your Dad to eventually get some community support, so he could go out and be with other people his age -maybe plays cards or some other hobbie. So sorry again.

[Psyched]

Thanks (((Lynn))).
Yes, men do have a harder time for two reasons- the one you've mentioned about wives taking care of chores, etc., & the other b/c women usually live longer than men do (according to pamphlets my dad received from hospice care). My mother was much older than my dad was, so he always knew that she'd be the one to go first. But nothing prepares you for it.

[susan888]

Sometimes (if your lucky) I belive that you become mated to your true soulmate...One of our benefactors at work died on Friday and his wife died 13 hours later. They had over 50 years together and still held hands....I couldn't imagine a life without my husband..I guess I would have to go on but I don't think I would want to.

Statistically speaking: http://www.straightdope.com/columns/...oon-afterwards

[Psyched]

I knew that about spouses dying soon after. OMG, I don't want to lose my dad. I'm going to spend more time w/ him, but I'm afraid it will kill him faster.