Dealing with abusive ex about our child...

I really couldn't think of a good title for this thread, because I am not fighting about my son, mostly FOR my son. I am bipolar and during a bad manic phase I got pregnant with my now almost 9 year old son. His father was then and is now not a good person. He's extremely violent, never towards me physically, but towards our house, our things, he's verbally abusive and very angry. He's the type of person that will run into the back of a car because he wasn't paying attention and get out of the car screaming at the other driver because it was somehow their fault instead of his. Actually that sums him up pretty good. Everything is someone else's fault. He hasn't kept a job for more than 5 months at a time since I've known him and its ALWAYS the other person's fault that he loses the job. His car breaks down, its because of whoever fixed it the last time...I think you can see the pattern here. Anyway, I left him when my son was about 18 months old. At the time we lived about 3 hours away from our home town, chasing a job that J supposedly found there while I was pregnant. I never wanted to move, but was overwhelmed by being pregnant (I found out I was pregnant about a week after my own house burnt down and I was left destitute, and ended up moving in with J). I wasn't happy about being pregnant, I was in college and had not actually wanted to have children. Anyhow, after I left J, I moved back to my hometown with my son so that I would be nearer someone who would be able to help me when I needed it, plus it helped me be able to go back to college to finish up. So fast forward 8 years and imagine the interim where J got married to a woman with a child only a few months younger than my son within 2 or 3 months of us breaking up. J has never provided emotional or monetary support for my son, he has gone YEARS at a time without laying eyes on him. But at any given time, out of the blue, if he decides he wants to spend time with my son, I'm supposed to just drop everything and drive all over the country to let him. (J moves A LOT because of jobs and his inability to keep a house or anything.)

I guess stupidly, everything's more clear in hindsight, I have tried to be overly accomidating because I felt so bad that my son didn't have his father. This meant that I have endured years of extremely bad mental abuse from this guy, years of threats that he's going to take my son and I'll never see him again, years of a heart broken son because of a dad that makes promises that he rarely ever keeps. Just in the past year, for example, he hasn't seen my son, has talked to him on the phone for maybe a total of an hour (that's being generous), hasn't sent a card or present for his birthday or Christmas, NOTHING. But a few weeks ago I finally got referred to child support services to try to do something about the fact that J has never paid any support whatsoever. Well, J gets the letter that he's going to have to pay support and he quits his job! SURPRISE! I told the CPS people he would do that. What I didn't expect is that his new plan is to come back to my state and move his family in with his mother, like this week. And he calls last night to find out of my son can come stay there for a few days later this week. I hesitated for about 30 seconds before I said anything and that sent him over the edge. Here's a summary of the conversation we had last night:

J called at 8:50pm on December 28th, 2009. He asked if he could see H in a few days and I told him I would like to call him back because I needed time to think about things. He asked me to just go outside because he just wanted to make arrangements to see him. I went outside and tried to explain that its been over a year since H has seen him and that, coupled with the fact that his mother says she’s angry at me, makes me uncomfortable about making arrangements for H to visit right now. I asked him how long he was going to be at his mothers and he said he was going to be moving there for a while, while he worked out of town in Baton Rogue. I tried to tell him about H feeling upset about being constantly disappointed by J’s promises and this resulted in J screaming at me that I am the one that took H away from him and the only reason he didn’t spend time with His because I took H 2 and a half hours away from him which made it impossible for him to spend time with him. He then starts screaming and telling me he hated me, that I was a ****, a ****ing *****, etc. He said that he should just take H from me and then he would see him all the time. Many times he made vague threats similar to “if you keep me from seeing him I won’t let that happen…” again he said he should have just taken H away when he was a baby. I tried to tell him that what I was concerned about was h’s feelings and the fact that J repeatedly hurts him. I told him that H asks why J can take care of a child that is not his own but that he doesn’t take care of him. J repeatedly interrupted me cussing and screaming that he hates me and I’ve ruined his life and he’s not going to let me do this to him. He started the vague threats again and I told him he needed to quit threatening me because I know he won’t do it and the cps told me that he would threaten me and not to be afraid. He said he didn’t care what they said and that he would threaten me because I wasn’t going to keep him from seeing his son. I asked him repeatedly to call me back when he calmed down because I felt uncomfortable and afraid of him when he was talking to me like this, he refused saying that I wasn’t going to keep his son away from him and that he hated me and he knew I would do this. He also said that I constantly avoid answering the phone when he and his mother try to call me and that I have stood his mother up after making plans for H to see her. (This is actually not true; every time his mother has asked to see HI have let her see “my son’s name”.) He called me a liar and said that I was making things up. He said I constantly avoid talking to him and to his mother. I pointed out that I checked my phone records and I see the last time I talked to his mother was in April around tax time and she actually didn’t make plans to see H because she was too busy that day. She hasn’t tried to contact me since that day. The conversation lasted for 29 minutes. The majority of the time he was cussing me and threatening me and I told him that I couldn’t make any plans for H to see him right now because I am afraid of him. He did say he was going to take me to court to get custody of H and I told him that I would bring a million witnesses to his violence into the court to stop anything of the sort from happening and he said he would just come and take him if I tried to do that. He also mentioned many times that I didn’t even want to have H (I wanted to have an abortion when I found out I was pregnant, but changed my mind). And that I was soulless. He attempts emotional manipulation the minute I say anything that he doesn’t like. He also said that it hurt him to not see H and I told him while I appreciated that, I didn’t care because h’s feelings are the ones that matter. He repeatedly mentions his own wants and desires and never even asks what H wants. I tried to explain that His uncomfortable with J because he hasn’t seen him in so long and J really didn’t seem to care. He said that it was my fault because I took H away from him. (When I was pregnant J got a job in Athens Al and moved us from C-our home town-there.) From A we moved to F. After J and I broke up and he started seeing his current wife (within 2 months of our break up), I moved back to my home town where I would have support of my family and his parents. J has never attempted to spend any significant amount of time with Hand has never provided support for H. He did say that he would take Hand I had it easy because I was just able to marry someone and they just take care of me. I told him he should be happy that I married someone who loves Hand takes care of him because J has never taken any care of “my son’s name”. J doesn’t pay any child support and never has. He has not given H presents on his birthdays and on Christmases. At the end of the call he was extremely belligerent and I told him I had to hang up because I couldn’t talk to him when he was treating me like that. He refused to say he would call me back when he could be more reasonable, instead saying he would have his mother call to make some arrangements. I said his mother could call, but did not agree to make any visitation arrangements. I feel afraid that he will try to take H from me and he said as much in the call. I do not feel safe or comfortable with H visiting him. He has an extremely violent past, breaking things, destroying walls and doors, phones, etc when he was angry. One time I had to wrestle him down because he had a gun and was going to go shoot the director of a day care H went to when he was a baby because he received poor treatment at the center. I can produce innumerable witnesses to J’s violence and my husband, M, was listening on the extension when J called tonight and he heard all of the name calling and threats. His ex-wife, Pam, has an order for only mediated (by psychologists) visits with his first child explicitly because of J’s violent behavior. I believe that even his sister would testify to his behavior and his tendency towards violence when he is angry. He is extremely unstable. I feel very afraid.

Just and FYI, we do not have a custody order because we were not ever married. In my state, without a custody order, whomever physically has the child technically has custody of the child. I do not have the money to go to court to get an order and its not a service CPS provides. Since H was 18 months old, my son has spent less than 30 nights with his father.

If you have spent this much time reading this I really appreciate it. If you have any ideas or advice, I would be so very happy to receive some support on this.

I don't know what advice to give you, but wanted you to know that I read your post and I feel for you. It sounds like you see through this guy. Stay strong. Don't give in to him. If he threatens you, report it to CPS or someone. Maybe keep a running list of the threats and especially witnesses. He'll keep trying to intimidate. Don't give in to it. If he does this it is because it works for him sometimes. He's especially not going to like witnesses and proof of what he is doing. You don't have to tell him, just quietly keep track so that your case is solid. Do you need the child support, or could you dismiss him from your life entirely? He doesn't sound like he is helping your son at all, and also doesn't seem to care about being a father - just about the money.

Is he listed on the birth certificate or has paternity been established? If so google legal aid and get a custody order with your name on it pronto. You do not necessarily need a lawyer for family court. While this is not a service that CPS provides, they should be able to tell you what paperwork you need to submit to have custody established.

I do not mean to frighten you, but this is about priorities. There is nothing to stop this boy's father from picking him up from school and gaining physical custody of him. You would have no choice but to get an attorney in that situation.

Thank you both for listening to me and taking the time to read such a long post. I am really terrified of him and its unfortunate that he knows as much. As far as threatening me to take H away, I know that its just a threat. He's never spent much of his time with him and even when we lived together he never did any of the bonding things parents usually do with their babies. He hardly changed diapers, put him to sleep or even gave him baths. My husband and I talked about it this afternoon and we are willing to go into debt to get a custody order. He knows a lawyer who will do it and will probably be willing to give us a discount. So, that is going to get underway soon. (Right now they are out of town for the holidays.)
As far as the money goes, he's never given me any and we've always gotten by, so I guess that I don't need the money from him. My husband has a decent job and we are able to pay our bills fine, but obviously a little help from J would be useful, but not necessary. I guess it just galls me that he is so easily able to shirk his responsibilities and the second I don't do things the exact way he wants me to, he starts calling me filthy names, accusing me of being soulless and threatening me.

AAAAA I understand your concern about him taking him from school but thankfully he's not listed on any of H's school paperwork as his father. He is on the birth certificate, but J doesn't have a copy of it and I'm nearly positive he'd never go through the trouble of getting it. He wouldn't be allowed to leave the school with H because the school is very vigilant about only parents and people on the approved list taking kids. You cannot even pick kids up in the carpool line unless you have this specific sign thing that I know J doesn't even know exists. The truth be told, he doesn't even know what school H goes to and right now J is in Miami, about 15 hours away. When he does manage to drag his sorry *** back up here he will be in a town about 2 hours away and sadly, its too much effort for him to come the 2 hours to even visit H. I'm just sick of the verbal abuse. He used to terrify me when we were together and he seems to still enjoy doing that to me now. My son is a great little guy, he's sweet and sensitive and just wonderful. I don't want his "father's" crap to rub off on him.
Oh ya, as far as documenting things, I have TONS of that. I have records of calls, threats, witnesses, everything. J even came to my work (when I still worked) and created this huge seen with a gun, saying he was going to kill some bank employees because he bounced a check...anyway, that is documented with the campus police, the city police and human resources, so if worst comes to worst and his idiot *** even tries to take H away, he will be sadly mistaken. I'm fairly sure even his sister would testify against him.
Thanks for listening again, gals, I truly appreciate it. Sometimes just writing things down helps me feel better.

I don't mean to beat this to death, but since I'm familiar with this particular situation I am concerned. If the child's biological father (for lack of a better term) has any common sense at all and is inclined to do just a bit of leg work he can do just that. If he is listed on the birth certificate then all it takes is a trip to the court house, a picture ID and $25 and he has a copy.

Whether or not he's listed on the school's paperwork is neither here nor there. If he shows up at school to get the child and the school calls the police, with that birth certificate (or even without it since the child can say "yes, this is my father") and a lack of legal custody order the police will say "I'm sorry, there is nothing I can do." Then the child remains with him until you "kidnap" him or get a court order stating that you have custody. Without establishing legal custody the schools, daycare, nor the police can help you in this matter.

A friend of ours has been fighting this battle for a long time. His children attend a small private religious school. He enrolled them in this school specifically to prevent his ex-wife from being able to walk into a public school and pull the kids out. I don't know why he felt it was safer, but I digress. She walked out on him and the children five years ago. No one knew where she was or what she was doing. Last year she showed up and took the kids. The school called the police and the father. Once everyone was there, since there was no legal custody order, the police had no choice but to allow the woman to take her children... knowing full well she had Florida plates on her car and was planning on taking them out of state (we're in Wisconsin). The father now had to travel back and forth to Florida in an attempt to get his children back.

Thanks AAAAA I appreciate your concern. Like I said, we are getting a lawyer to file the custody stuff for us.

Believe me, I'm not trying to sound blase about this, I am freaked out and scared to death of something like that. I have a lot of issues with being afraid of people I see in a role where they have power over me and this is a perfect example. He knows how to scare me. I'm doing the best I can to take care of it. Until about a year ago, it was just me and my son (I hadn't married yet) and its still hard to get used to the fact that I have someone fighting in my corner now. Anyway, we are going to get custody papers ASAP.

Glad you are going to get custody papers. I am so sorry for all the terror, anger, frustration and pain that came along with this nightmare. Is there anyway to have no contact with this man until the paperwork is finished? As in not answering his calls but recording them? Like you said, he likes to scare you because he knows it will wear you down. You sound very strong for your child...keep posting for support. Hang in there for just a bit longer. Like you said, this guy sounds really dangerous. He needs to be put away for a lot of stuff he has done.