[a_b_c_d_e_f_g]

About 3 weeks ago I found out that my BF of 8 months has been diagnosed as schizophrenic for the past 4 or 5 years. He just let it slip one night after a party. After 7 months! Of course, he exhibits a lot of symptoms of BPD as well, and even if he didn't, I could understand being afraid of disclosing such information to anyone for fear of abandonment. But still I'm so angry at myself for getting into a situation where I fall in love with someone with such a surprise later. Possibly even more angry than at him for not telling me.

Since telling me about his diagnosis, he's briefly mentioned that it began as depression, then became manic, then the other symptoms of pscyhosis (hearing voices, seeing things) began. He was medicated for a year, but said he felt empty, so he went off meds and has apparently been off meds for a year. He appears like a normal, albeit sometimes moody, functioning adult almost constantly. He says the only regression he's noticed since going off meds is that he mutters to himself, which the meds stopped. But he says he's always aware of his surroundings to the degree that no one can ever tell he is muttering to himself-this is true. It was only after he mentioned he did it that I noticed it.

Right now in town he's got his family, his best friend and her husband, a stable job, coworkers that like him, me, my friends that like him, and from outward appearances seems to be your average creative, quirky nerd-what I thought I was dealing with. However, he tells me the pressure of knowing how his mom would react is the only thing that's kept him from suicide since about age 12. One day he says he just woke up and wanted to die, and that happens every day, I guess meds or not.

I am scared because I know I'm very important to him as he is to me as well and I know he has shown a vast amount of trust in me in opening up at all. But the stress of finding this out, of looking at his father, also diagnosed, and seeing him in 30 years, is just too much to handle.
I do know that he wants marriage and kids and such with me and I can never, ever do that. I can only be a friend to someone in such an unstable situation.

I can't even write this post or think about it without crying-the situation is upsetting me so much because I just feel that nothing I could ever do could make this ok. There is no cure. And no way to convince someone to get help. He's such a wonderful person and I value his friendship. How do I maintain friendship and help while cutting romantic ties? The holidays were my excuse not to leave 3 weeks ago because those are the worst times for most people. He can't lose his job, or relapse, not now that he's got so much going for him. And I can't let this situation keep affecting me.

[FeelingHopeful]

Have you tried having a conversation with him about how your feeling? Putting your feelings out there?

[a_b_c_d_e_f_g]

Not entirely. We have talked before about his actions when they've upset me-the tendency to make randomly mean comments around his family for fun, the family drama surrounding him, his not telling me about his situation. He knows I'm angry and hurt about all these things but I haven't said "We can't date" yet. When he was at his worst, Christmas night, he said I should leave and be with a normal person but then said "oh but wait I don't mean that don't leave me if you like me at all." I'm pretty sure he assumes I'm going to break things off, as I clearly should.

The biggest concern I have is that one of his two best friends came to town for Thanksgiving for a week but didn't see him. He's talked to this girl every day for at least a couple years, they went to high school together and have always been close friends, so I'm sure she's been more than supportive of him. She explained to him that her husband wants to keep her from spending time with other men and so she couldn't see him. She's tried to make contact with him every day since-he won't talk to her. She's dead to him. If it's that easy for a best friend to get on his bad side....I just...don't want to end up there.

[Belle1979]

My therapist has told me that it's pretty impossible to go from an intimate relationship to friendship straight away. There are too many emotions involved and one if not both is bound to get hurt. He suggests that the only way is to cut all ties for a couple of months and then if the friendship is meant to be then get in contact and see what happens.
I know this doesn't help your situation and I feel for you but if he is in love with you then you are not the person that can be there for him as the mixed feelings will only hurt him more (my opinion from experience). You can't give him false hope that you will change your mind (once again personal ecperience)
I wish you luck

[Peacemonger]

Being "Friended" is the worst thing ever for a guy.

[Belle1979]

Originally Posted by Peacemonger

Being "Friended" is the worst thing ever for a guy.

It is for a girl as well that's what has happened to me and I am trying really hard to be 'friends' but most of the time it just makes me feel sad and anxious.

[Peacemonger]

Originally Posted by Belle1979

It is for a girl as well that's what has happened to me and I am trying really hard to be 'friends' but most of the time it just makes me feel sad and anxious.

Yes, I guess the "friend zone" works both ways.

[a_b_c_d_e_f_g]

Yeah, I've had it done to me by the guy before my current one. In that case though he thought he could be friends in order to then tell me that surprise-he had had a mistress and a girlfriend the entire time he was "more than friends" with me, and keep using me as some kinds of best friend/counselor who would somehow feel sympathy for him. And I did for a few months. And it almost destroyed me. So yeah. I definitely took lots of time to heal from that. I don't want such a shitstorm again but it seems like I walked into yet another bad bad situation.
.

[FeelingHopeful]

Not entirely. We have talked before about his actions when they've upset me-the tendency to make randomly mean comments around his family for fun, the family drama surrounding him, his not telling me about his situation. He knows I'm angry and hurt about all these things but I haven't said "We can't date" yet. When he was at his worst, Christmas night, he said I should leave and be with a normal person but then said "oh but wait I don't mean that don't leave me if you like me at all." I'm pretty sure he assumes I'm going to break things off, as I clearly should.?

[FeelingHopeful]

When youve talked before about how he has hurt you, was there anything he said that maybe could give you some hope? Was he like this when you met him?

[Belle1979]

Just wanted to see how you were doing today?

[a_b_c_d_e_f_g]

Hi Belle1979, thanks. Doing a bit better today (no crying) because I'm out of town for a week with business and seeing friends and such and those distractions always help temporarily. In the long term of course they just delay the inevitable.

@FeelingSad, he has always been the same wonderful person, very caring about his family and friends, running errands or doing things for them, spending time with family members because he thinks they're lonely and need friends, he's funny, smarter than most, interested in lots of topics, very creative, always joking and telling stories, well-liked by everyone he meets....

That's why it was so easy to feel comfortable around him to start with-like me he appears situationally extroverted, a friendly-faced person people confide in and like although not usually an initiator of conversation. I saw a lot of what I liked about others and myself in him. At the start of the relationship he asked a few times what I saw in him, commented a few times that he was a bad person. That concerned me, but someone who seemed otherwise ok apart from not the highest self-esteem didn't strike me as abnormal because I don't think I've ever met anyone with good self-esteem.

Two or three times he said he was "batshit crazy" (his term) but the evidence for that was that he thought random things or talked to his cat. To me these sorts of things were endearing and not abnormal. I never directly asked him if he had a mental health issue. I assumed that I would see some evidence of him taking meds, or I would be able to tell he needed them, or he would divulge such a thing prior to getting into a relationship.

Has he given indication for hope? I'm not so sure. Yes and no. Yes as in the talk is there but no as in there's no action being taken yet to improve his situation.

His biggest fear is becoming his dad, he expresses desire to fight this and be normal, he tries very hard by being social and making friends whenever he can. He knows to surround himself with friends and family and maintain that support structure, yet at New Year's he told me that every day he feels like he's losing his grip on reality a tiny bit more. One of his resolutions for 2010 was to tell me more about what he's thinking and feeling because he feels that he's wanting to withdraw-the part that isolates and pulls one into one's own mind and away from reality is getting larger and he knows only bad things come of that.

He says that whenever he's heard or seen things he's been aware that they're not really there, so he's not convinced that he has a problem because if he really had a problem he thinks he would be unable to tell that such things were not reality. So 4-5 years from initial diagnosis he is still unconvinced that standard therapy and meds are helpful at all and not entirely convinced he has any issues that need treatment. I've told him the best thing he can do to be not like his dad is to get help but he hasn't.

I fear that he will remain untreated and, like his father, continue to use smoking and alcohol as his coping strategies instead, which will then lead to his untimely death from cancer (which his dad is dying of now) or another cause. Alternatively, I fear he will keep being off and on meds and not stick to something because like before he'll feel better or stop caring (as he said he had before) and just go off of them and abandon treatment. But I haven't told him I think he's headed for one of those 2 outcomes because I don't *want* to think this way, I just naturally am not optimistic. And also because he's not naturally optimistic either so I've been trying to help us both be more optimistic. But optimism has to give way to reality at some point.

[FeelingHopeful]

Just wanted to see How are you doing? Are things any better?