[bradybunch6]

hi, im struggling today due to an ongoing issue that my partner of 7 years has with my eldest daughter. She is nearly 16 and from day one they havent gotten on - she had a hard time adjusting to my divorce with her Dad and my partner has never diguised his dislike for her and has really got a vendetta against her and can be so rude and nasty and malicious towards her. over the weekend cleaned up her room and he was angry about the "state of her room" granted she is 15 i i think a little mess is completely normal for teenage kids he sulked for an hour about me cleaning it for her then yesterdat morning after she left for school he picked up everything from her floor and dressing table - makeup , clothes hairdryer rubbish bin everything and dumped it onto her bad and pulled the covers over it . the makeup went all over her clothes and bedlinen - i was appalled and cleaned it all up not realising he had done it. i thought it was her and was very confused about why she would that . last night he picked her up from her part time job and abused her in the car all the way home sabout the state of her room. i thoiught this was really uncalled for and he was pretty nasty with what he said. she ran in the house crying and wouldnt come out , he ranted and raved about he lack of respect and filth etc and i feel he is being completely unreasonable - he then in anger told me she deserved getting told off as he believed she had given him a surly face when we were out for dinner recently and i feel like he was just waiting for an opportunity to get back at her somehow . i find this behaivour childish and manipulative and just downright nasty from him. she has now told me she wants to g back to live at her Dad's house permanently - she moved home to me fulltime recently after having shared equal care at her Dad's house as her Dad's new partner couldnt get along aieth her either . i feel like this child is being pushed from pillar to post and im worried about what she might do , she is only a kid and far from perfect but i dont know wht to do. My partner has three children from his previous marriage that are older and we have had our ups and down with them but that life . im at my wites end today and i cant stop crying im very very angrey with my partenr for pushing my daughter away.

If your partner will not agree to receive treatment for anger management and parenting, I would tell him to hit the road. None of this going through the motions either. You and your daughter must see positive change.

My thought is he is a danger to you daughter physically and he already is emotionally.

[salukigirl]

Sounds like HE is the disrespectful one. Does he have any children? If so, does he act like that towards them? Sounds like he is disrespecting you as well. No matter how long you have been together, she is YOUR daughter. And how could she not be confused and feel upset about the situation? My mom and step-dad have been MARRIED for 10 years now! I just recently started feeling okay with him. It takes a long time to have that situation sink in, especially at such a young age.

I think if my bf ever talked to my niece like that (about the closest example I have to a daughter) I would knock him out. He is not only abusing her emotionally but you as well. And if he is starting to do these outrageous things to her, whats to say he wont start doing them to you? He kind of is already if he is sulking around complaining constantly about her to you.

And I absolutely positively hate my dad's wife but I would never disrespect her or him like that. So if a 22 yr old can figure out respect in a step-family, why can't he?

[NuckingFutz]

I was kind of confused by the title of your post. Then I read your post and it sounds like you are having to shield your daughter from your partner. Seven years worth of emotional abuse is a lot to have to go through and she has four more years to go. I was wondering, after seven years of abuse if maybe some counseling would be in order. In the meantime, can you make sure your daughter is not left alone unsupervised with him for her own protection? I know from your title your step family is trying to end your relationship, but your kids need you to help them grow to be healthy adults right now and I just think it is too late for your partner. He does not display healthy behaviors. kids learn what they see. Please keep your daughter safe no matter what you decide.

[jenkins09]

Hi BB,

I kind of saw something different than the rest of the group. I have a blended family myself so I have some experience here. I dont think abuse is okay ever. Having said that, you have some culpability here. Its up to the biological parent to make sure that their child respects the step-parent. They dont have to like them, but they do need to show respect.

You both should have some home rules already in place so the kids know what to expect, and if she doesnt follow these rules you should be the one to discipline her. I wonder if your husband resents her because he sees you taking her side? doing her chores and allowing her to blatantly disrespect him. His real issue is with you, but I dont think he sees that, he sees her as the issue.

Once again, I am not okay with his treatment towards her and neither should you but I would be willing to bet that he feels disrespected by you and her. Have you thought about seeing a counselor for help with this? I hope it works out for you.

[salukigirl]

jenkins - you are totally correct that his issue is not actually with her. I didn't really get a feel from your post that she blatantly disrespects him but there may be more to it. My dad's wife totally hates me and my sister but its because my dad takes our side in things. One time, my parents came down for an honor's ceremony thing for school and he tried to give me some congratulatory/i'm proud of you money and she told him to put it back in his wallet. Right in front of me! Then later, when she wasn't around, he just snuck it to me lol. But of course the kids come first! I'm really curious if he has any kids of his own...

[NuckingFutz]

Sounds like he has 3 kids living with them. According the the OP, there does not seem to be problems with the other kids. Just read an article about a five year old that was disapplined for not respecting the step father. The step father admits he may have gone a little too far. The biological mother was there the whole time the disappline was happening. The mother was disapplined for her part in the incident. Poor little guy. I hope he is up in heaven.

She is nearly 16 and from day one they havent gotten on - she had a hard time adjusting to my divorce with her Dad and my partner has never diguised his dislike for her and has really got a vendetta against her and can be so rude and nasty and malicious towards her

I expect the mother is intimidated by this guy, which, of course, is no excuse for not protecting her child. Respect? Sure he is entitled to respect when he is not being rude, nasty and malicious; but then he never has liked her.

Another instance of "Who will protect the children?".

[NuckingFutz]

It just gets me that the mother and daughter have defend themselves to survive and people see that is blatant disrespect. Respect must be earned. This guy is not safe for any kid to be around. Physical abuse is next if it hasn't already started.

[mormat]

Your partner is out of line. The most important issue here, is that since this is not his daughter, he should never discipline her, this is your role. He should be her friend but at the same time support you.
This always leads to a bad situation. She is your child and you are the one to manage her.