frustrated and angry

My hubby and I have the same fights over and over. We only fight when we are stressed about money. So this morning, we get in a fight about the rent. He had the car and was supposed to go pay it on Friday, but he didn't. He said Friday evening that he would pay it Saturday, but he didn't. I took the check by the office on Monday morning, but there was no one there....and now we owe a late fee because it didn't get paid by the third. So I put the ball back in his court - he knows the landlord better than I do and he is much better with dealing with any sort of confrontation. So we stop at the office again this morning, and it's closed, but it's a few minutes until 8:00...so we wait. They don't open, we're both already late for work...we wait. They don't show, so we head to work. On the way to work we end up blaming each other and he gets so mad that he stops the car, gets out and walks away without another word (he was only 1 block from his work).

Now, I am having trouble concentrating on my work because I keep thinking about the rent - which still isn't paid - and whether or not I should apologize for ...what? arguing in the morning? Not taking the initiative to keep the car and go pay the rent on Friday? Not trying again Monday afternoon? Not wanting to talk to the landlord? I'm so sick of this crappy fighting...

I know this won’t help now, but in the future if there is a holiday around when the rent is due, call. I’m sure they have voice mail, leave a message, this is englishteacher and I’ve tried to drop off the rent the office is closed. I will stop by again _____ to pay it. This way the landlord knows that you’re making an effort to pay the rent and may be more likely to waive the late fee.

Is there a reason that your husband didn’t drop off the rent? Due dates are merely guidelines to my husband. It drove me absolutely crazy! I finally made him understand that his behavior may be ok for him, but it made me feel nervous and really messed up my sense of security. So if he wanted to handle the money, he needed to pay the bills on time for no other reason than to make me happy.

I’d discuss this with him in a non-confrontational way. Try to find out if there is a reason he didn’t pay it on time. Is he being passive aggressive? Since this seems to be more important to you than him, maybe it’s time for you to take on this responsibility.

He says that he didn't have time on Friday, but the office is very close to where he works - 10 minutes by car. He had an hour for lunch.

Yes, I suppose I should just take over that duty again. I used to take care of all the bills, but the stress started to make me insane because paying the bills is always a juggling act and hubby nickle and dimes our money away. I kind of flaked out and insisted that hubby take more responsibility for our lives. He took over for a while and I agreed not to worry or obsess about how and when things got paid as long as we had electricity and water. Unfortunately, he isn't the most responsible person. He does great at work - very responsible, very respected, a real go-getter...at home - nothing.

I think I'm actually mad at him for a lot more than this...

I can totally relate to what you’re saying. One of my first threads on this site was venting my frustration about my husband’s ability to handle money. He’s an excellent husband. He’s an electrical engineer for crying out loud, but put a $ in front of those numbers and he’s clueless.

About 10 years ago we had the exact same agreement you had. Our house ended up in foreclosure. NOT because we didn’t have the money to pay the stupid mortgage, but because he forgot then decided he’d just make a double payment the next time and ended up being late on it. This is how his mother handled the finances in their house while he was growing up.

This issue brought us to the brink of divorce. I resented him. When I handled the money he didn’t like it. I could tell you to the penny where the money went. At that time we could pay all of our monthly bills with one of his pay weekly paychecks, there was no reason for a bill ever to be late. Of course our interest rates on our credit cards were out of this world because he was late all the time. I tried to show him if he did the finances my way, bills were paid on time, there was money in our savings, the balances on our credit cards were shrinking and we had a lot of money left over for entertainment. The only reason we were having financial difficulties at that time was because by paying everything late, he had to paid huge late fees to everybody.

I finally realized that he just cannot grasp this concept. He wasn’t intentionally being a blockhead, he just doesn’t handle money. As strange as it sounds, he’s not alone. He hates handling the money, and yet feels inadequate when he doesn’t.

AAAAA - that's so IT! My hubby doesn't want to handle the money either, but feels inadequate when he doesn't. Plus, he says he feels hen-pecked if I attempt to limit his spending, so even when I'm in charge of paying the bills, there isn't enough to pay them...and he keeps spending...$5 for lunch, $3 for a beer after work, etc. They are all simple little things and not expensive, but they add up.

Oh well, hubby and I made up. He apologized for getting out and walking away. I apologized for making him so angry and frustrated. The rent got paid (by me) at lunch and I didn't pay the late fee. We'll see if that flies...

English usage disagreements can get quite intense.

Okay Byz - you got me on that one!