The first steps?

I have posted previous posts about the relationship between my fiancee' and I. Needless to say, things are not going well, but at least I know why.

Not only is my significant other EXTREMELY stubborn and proud, but he suffers from depression.......apparently his whole life. Although I am saddened by the fact we may not have a future as husband and wife, (but I hope friends), I somewhat feel I may be a catalyst to his recovery. I told him I love him, and I have faith in him, and he needs to love and have faith in himself......but he feels that somehow "happiness" may not exist. The whole thing really, really makes me feel so bad, I had no idea how bad it was, until he spilled his guts this evening.... he has chose to live his life in the past, the misery of two failed marriages, along with the bitterness, and heartache. He cannot live in the HERE and NOW, which is, where I am. It has all been so destructive, that he has been driven to escapism with alcohol....although it could be worse than that, he is not a drop dead drunk. If nothing comes from this, I just want him to finally find himself, and live a healthy and happy life. He does deserve it. How can I though, get him, or even make him think of the idea of therapy? I know, as he should, he needs to do this himself, and only FOR himself, but someone as stubborn and proud needs to have the shell cracked so to speak. Maybe all I can do is do what I have done. Am I right thinking that he needs therapy? Possibly medication? He is on xanex now, but he only takes them to sleep, fearing they may make him sleepy during the day. I love this man. If I am only to be just a friend, I hope that I can help him in some way.

I think you are making smart and healthy decisions about your future relationship. You can't help him out of the muck he is in if you end up in there with him.

Therapy is definately a good thing to try. If there are "issues" that can be discovered, explored and put in order, then greater peace can follow. At the risk of sounding fatalistic, I will be realistic, there can be personality issues that are so fundamental to his being that no therapy can change.

Xanax is an anti-anxiety med. It is only a possible part of an anti-depression regimine. I am guessing that his physical doc prescribed this. He really should be seen be a psychiatrist and get a more educated treatment plan started. Also, Xanax is very addictive, if he has an alcohol addiction, Xanax may not be a good thing to be using.

You are VERY smart to be making these observations and assesments before commiting to a marriage!!! I am sure other folks here can tell you tales about what pains and joys you may have in store for you.

Wherever you go, there you are

Have you mentioned therapy to him? I think if you just out and out tell him, "Hey hun, I love you and want to be with you but you need to get in to see a psychiatrist (for the meds) and a therapist so you can conquer this thing that has a hold of you." He may argue with you, he may deny that he needs any help but you have made a statement and with a little luck that statement will sink down in after a little while. I would be surprised if he did go in right away. When I was depressed just thinking about trying to find someone to help me made me even worse. It seemed so overwhelming, having to pick up that phone...of course I have always had troubles with the phone but be that as it may I have heard the same thing from other people. Once you have made the statement you have to step back because it truely is a decision he has to make for himself.
Take care,
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson