What would you do in this situation???

Hi, all,
My best friend took me with her and her mother and husband last summer to Lake Erie, where I go to pick up rocks for my art. I appreciated the opporturnity to go up there without having to drive myself, but by the end of the week around her domineering husband, I was quite angry and vowed I would NEVER ever take another trip with them. She is such a sweet, spiritual person. They are millionaires, but all he talks about is money (besides HIMSELF...his FAVORITE subject), and will go out of his way during the whole trip to stop at thrift stores to save a few pennies. Last summer, he had a yelling fit in the motor home over a dozen eggs!
Now, they have offered to take me up to Canada to my very favorite rock hunting area on Lake Superior. They just bought a big $300,000 "diesel pusher" with three slide-out rooms. My only other option for going up there is to rent a cargo van and drive up there alone, which is a bit intimidating to me.
In talking to Becky last night, I told her I really couldn't afford to go right now, with grad school tuition, etc., but she assured me all I would need to buy was my food. I was actually trying to find an excuse to bow out on going, thinking of her husband's abrasive behavior.
Becky has begged me to go, saying her husband is "so much nicer" when I'm along...(can't imagine how mean he must really be to her!). I actually think that is her true reason for wanting me to go so much.
I feel obligated to go, though truly I can't afford it right now. They have waited till my summer school ended to take me.
What are your thoughts on this?
Seeker

seeker, if it were me in this situation, i'd not go...period. i know you feel an allegiance to your friend. however, she's married to the man and chooses to deal with his behavior (or maybe she doesn't ) anyhow, only you can be responsible for you emotional health. i wouldn't go. the rocks wouldn't be worth it. i'd tell her it simply wasn't an option with being in grad school, and that maybe just you and her can go somewhere when your finsihed? it will give you both something to look forward to...a girlfriend's vaca

gl. let us know.

Oh, Kimmy, Thank you so much for your honest and insightful reply. I have been struggling with this all day and what to tell my friend, Becky.
Since you mentioned the girlfriend outing, I must tell you, that at the end of last year's trip to Lake Erie, I was saying to Becky as we unpacked my things form the motorhome, how we girls should take a "girl" trip together. Her husband overheard me, and YELLED, "Huh uh!!! Becky doesn't go ANYWHERE without ME! What an %#@&#!!
Anyway, I'm going to have to think real hard how to tell her I can't "afford" to go.
You're right. I've worked very hard to attain some emotional balance lately. A trip with them would definitely create emotional chaos.
Thanks so much!
Seeker

seeker, you're welcome. may i say one more thing? i don't know that i'd use only the excuse that you can't afford it. she may slip you money or something and then that excuse it out the window

i would probably say that with the workload i just can't do it. if i even tried i wouldn't be able to enjoy it because i had so much work to do, and that it's just not possible as firmly and nicely as i could. maybe she'll feel for you and grab you some great rocks!

gl hon

Hey...I thought of that too, Kimmy.
I thought I'd ask her to pick up some rocks for me.
Please seem my post to you on the wedding!
Seeker

i second what KD said. don't say "money".......she'll solve that, because she wants you for a buffer between she and her husband. have a much more technical reason for not going. grad school is good, very good.

Thanks Faye!!!
I slept on it....Boy, am I sleeping well these days!...no restlessness or worrying. It has taken a lot of work (and help from you all here to reach this state of peace, and I do not take this for granted!). I want to guard this preciously also, and taking a trip with my friend, putting up with her husband for probably two weeks in a confined motor home would definitetly upset me. I saw a man who would be dangerous if she ever crossed him.
Today, I will bite the bullet, and tell her I can't go. I dread it because she will beg me to go.
Seeker

Hi Seeker,

I am 110% with Kimmy and Fay on this one. Enduring this kind of emotional dynamic is what brings a lot of us here to PC in the first place!

This guy is 'dumping' on his wife and I wouldn't go near the trip with a twenty foot pole. If only there were some way to explain to your friend how you really feel, but this might make things worse all round. It's tricky.

Maybe you'll be able to say, very gently, that a 'girl's only' trip might be nice one day. I wouldn't worry about missing out on the rocks. I would rather eat rocks than be cooped up with that guy.

I think you folks can tell that I've had a dose of this scenario myself, as I don't usually get so excited in the forum. I hope I'm not projecting too much.

Cheers, (slightly triggered) M

i've been in the same situation and that's why i'm firm about this. no way, do you need to be between your friend and that man!! bullies make me ill and you'd be miserable, miserable and miserable. hang tough and don't be your friend's crutch. is anyone holding a gun to her head, to make her stay with that lout?

Hi, Faye..
Well!!! I just found out from my aunt that my friend, Becky, and her family intend to be gone a whole MONTH on this trip!!! She neglected to tell me that!!!
I guess once she got me packed and on the road, she would just happen to mention that. There is NO WAY I can be gone for a month. A week is a stretch for me right now.
First thing I'm going to ask her when I call her later today is how long they intend to be gone, and see how she responds.
Thanks all...I will definitely not be going with them.
Seeker

Laughing right now, Myzen, because I have remembered your story about the trip with the lady to the South of France many times as I've struggled with this problem.
Yeah!!! I too would rather "eat rocks" than endure even a week cooped up with her hubby.
Thanks!
Seeker

obviously, you weren't here, when i "took" the psychiatrist with me to The Navajo Nation Fair!! oh, my, godddddddddddddddddd. as a valley girl would say. did i learn a lesson on that one! he was not "hot"..........

LOL, Faye...NO, I missed that story, but, we must learn something....eventually....mustn't we!!!
Seeker

My thoughts are as follows......"You're sanity and self respect would be severely compromised by going on this trip......in addition, your friend is trying her best to "mask" the problems in her marriage and you would be an enabler to contribute....Seeker...clearly, you are a woman motivated by higher creative/self examined powers) and I hope that you don't give in to the "bait" being dangled before you....they need to work this respect issue out between the two of them before they can be legitimate friends w/anyone......hang tough...grace

Thanks, Mac....You are very wise and SO right.
I called this morning to tell her I couldn't manage to go, and she was gone to her Sunday Meditation Group (at which her husband scoffs, naturally!), so I had to talk to him, and told him bluntly that I was too busy, etc. to go with them. She called me this evening, begging me to go, but I remained firm. Even her mother was chiming in on the conversation begging me. I found myself near hyperventilating as I made excuse after excuse. Finally, I just said, "Becky, this is the right choice for ME, and I know I would be unhappy making the trip." At that, she seemed to accept it. Boy, was that hard. But I'm glad I did it!
Heartfelt thanks to all of you here who have given me your wise advice. Without it, I might have given in and gone on a miserable trip.
Loving thoughts,
Seeker

Seeker,

I wish I was as strong as you.

Cheers, M

KEWL! So glad you made this decision, and that you are happy with it!

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

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Why give her any excuse at all? Just tell her that it's in your best interest not to go.

I used to always feel like I had to have some excuse or another when I didn't want to do something someone asked. Ya know? You don't! A simple "no, not this time" should suffice.

Seeker You Knew what had to be done and did the right thing. You might want to sit down with your friend and have a heart to heart talk. Let her know you value her friendship and love. Let Becky know the real reason you would not go on the trip. You did the right thing Now tell me about those rocks?
renting a van and driving up there on your own might be a great adventure for you.

Hi, Artist,
Becky has been married to this man for almost 30 years, and I don't see her changing in her attitudes...in fact, I think she's afraid he will find someone else! and has even mentioned that a couple of times.
I'm glad I didn't go, anyway! Instead, I just got back from a trip to Louisville, KY to see the twins, and had much fun.
The rocks on Lake Superior, both the Canada side and Mich. UP are really inspiring to me. I might have to rent that van (or find a commercial shipper from up there) if I choose to go. Right now, I'm planning a trip to Kelley's Island on Lake Erie to camp solo and pick up rocks while enjoying my peace!
Seeker