Anxious and feeling of dread at what happened

I met a lovely man. We have so much in common and intellectually and emotionally we would both agree we were soulmates. But, physically there were problems. There were stupid things which it was impossible for me to talk to him about: I don't like the smell of his beard, which puts me off kissing him (I've already had to comment on another similar issue which was embarassing and which I only dared to comment on because I wanted the relationship to last.) There are other things that it may have been possible to deal with but which are embarassing. The relationship got a bit oppressive at times too as he needs a lot of attention.

After much thought I realised I could not get over the beard thing as it was such a turn off and it's so fundamental to a physical relationship. I wondered whether to say something or whether this is a basical physical attraction problem at the pheremones level. I feel it must be. What point is there in me upsetting him by telling him about these very personal matters if, at the end of the day, he tries to deal with them and I find I still can't cope with his natural scent? I cannot see a way round this and it seemed pointless trying to deal with other issues (sexually we were still learning about each other so we were both a bit incompetent) if the problem was fundamental like a person's natural smell.

So I had to call it off and did so. This is such a loss for me because I was beginning to feel he was the man for me if it wasn't for these physical issues. Obviously I haven't given him all this detail but have said it was a lack of chemistry. He has reacted very badly and (althought I know he can't help himself) he is making me feel guilty. On top of this, practically on the same day, some awful family event befell him (he hasn't said what as it's too painful for him) but I think it's a tragedy. I should be there for him and have offered but he can barely talk to me. I feel terrible. It seems the only thing I can do is to give up, but my heart hurts and I feel anxiety and terrible sadness at the way things have gone. I have lost someone who means a great deal to me, but do I have any other choice? I really never wanted to hurt him like this. It all seems so sad and awful.

Please comment if you can, I desperately need insights.

I don't know what to say other than - you would've hurt him either way. People don't always "want" to hurt the other person.. it's inevitable. Bad coincidence with whatever happened with his family but it has nothing to do with you other than it being an extra blow. That just isn't your fault that he's had double the pain in "practically the same day". It's not like you purposely dumped him the day he had to go to a funeral or something tragic. You can't feel guilty for that.

I don't understand the "natural scent" thing but then I don't like guys with beards. Could it have just been bad breath or aftershave you were smelling? Or whatever he washes his face with?

Thanks for reply. I didn't want to hurt him and really liked the man, we hit it off so well in all other respects and I don't think I'd find anyone I felt so in tune with again. The natural scent thing, I don't know. There was a musky scent that I didn't find pleasant, like I might expect from a horse or something. It wasn't an unclean smell though, just basic. He's a manly man, the kind who's clean but not into aftershave or deodorant. I know I prefer clean with a hint of aftershave or deodorant. Maybe I'm just not used to real men!

I'll give you a personal example. Though it may be long, I promise there is a good point to it all. I had a baby with a complete asshole when I was 25. The relationship barely lasted through my pregnancy. Before this whole thing, I was able to date a lot of physically attractive guys...guys that were "my type". (Of course, there were intellectual reasons I liked them as well, but I always had a "type" of guy I would go out with.) After I had my son, my priorities really changed and I realized that I was allowing myself to overlook a lot of serious personality flaws in my mates because of their attractiveness and what I perceived as what I wanted out of a relationship. Anyway, when my son was about 3 1/2 I met a great man. I mean, wonderful. Previous to meeting him, I had decided what I wanted in a mate and what I could accept (what flaws I was willing to deal with) and I decided to stick to my standards. I did this mostly because I felt I owed it to my son to seriously vet the person who would become his father, for all intents and purposes...I digress. Back to the wonderful guy. He is caring and compassionate, incredibly funny, witty, intellectual. He's responsible and fun. BUT he's not what I would ordinarily be physically attracted to. So for a long time, I put him off and attempted getting to know a few other guys. And I had an epiphany! I realized that if I found the "perfect guy" who was mentally and physically everything I wanted I would be head over heals and have no reservations about the relationship. Well, then I thought about what if something happened to change that perfect guy's physical appearance? Would I stop loving him? OF COURSE NOT! So I realized that the man who had been patiently waiting for me was the perfect guy for me. He had all of the "must haves" from my list. I looked at the things I considered flaws: not my "type", likes country music (blah), other random things. If a person's heart is good and he has the qualities in a person that you search for, consider if he were attractive (no smelly beard), would you still have reservations about the relationship? What if after being attractive something happened and changed his physical appearance? Would you still love him? Are the flaws things you could overlook because the inside contains so many wonderful things? For me I could overlook the things I initially couldn't see past. I'm the luckiest person for this. My husband is wonderful. He treats me like a princess and loves my son as his own. When it comes down to it, physical things are temporary. The inside is what really counts.

Give yourself the chance to look at his inside and see if you can accept his outside as the imperfect package he comes in. If you can accept the annoying things because the good things are good, don't deny yourself the opportunity for good love because of a small thing.

You never know, you may find one day the smell of his beard is a wonderful thing because its part of him.

Did you ever ask him to shave his beard?

As a guy I can say that if my girlfriend came to me and said that she wanted me to change something so simple I would do as asked.

You didn't want to hurt him by being honest about it but you broke up with him, which I will assume was a lot worse for him.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I am "blaming" you, I am just trying to say that even if it isn't always easy, being honest with the people you care about is almost always the best route.

Given that he cares about you I doubt that it would bother him too much to have to change a couple small things or to put a little extra effort into a thing or two. A large part of relationships working is the fact that both people make these little compromises to better fit with each other. You do it because you care, because you want to be with them, you want to make them happy.

It isn't asking someone to change who they are, that is a mistake and never works. Asking someone to make a small change for your preferences is completely reasonable. Ask yourself, how many things do you ladies do just so that you can be seen as attractive, or to adhere to a significant others preferences? Don't think that the men folk won't change a few things for you too.

All I can say is that I recently started seeing a man who just smells "right" to me. And he's not my type. But I love the way he smells naturally, no cologne, just him. And it does make a difference in our physical relationship.

It also helps that he's kind, funny, understanding, and patient. So, he's shorter than me? I've gotten used to it.

I know it must seem shallow and I have thought very hard about it. This man ticks so many boxes on my list of what I'm looking for. He is a wonderful man, I'm in no doubt about that, but if this problem is down to a fundamental physical attraction, I can't change that. This is why I felt it had to end and that there was no point nitpicking over these issues. When I think of asking him if he'll reconsider and have me back (small chance), I can't help but think of the beard and one or two other things that bothered me. You can't be close to someone if they smell wrong, can you? I'm thinking of a possible lifetime mate here and it's a bit more than the beard, but for sure that puts me off enough to feel I have to give up. Do I say something to him about this personal matter or just leave it and hope he'll get over it? I've already hurt him enough, I think, and I'm losing him too.

Well, if you are sure you are no longer interested, I wouldn't say anything. The next woman he meets may very well love the way he smells. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

Some people would be offended by this. If you had the beard when you met her, why did she go out with you when she was turned off by the beard?

I could see if you were dating for a while or married and husband decided to grow a beard after a while and you really hated it..but that's different.

If a guy asked me to change something about my appearance.. Depending on what it was..I think I would just tell them to go find someone else who meets their standards.

Not really. I despise smokers and cigarette smoke. I was with one guy once who wasn't a heavy smoker. He'd even smoke nowhere near me and then spray cologne on to cover it up.. parts of him still smelled "smokey" when close and I'd cringe and cough because I'm allergic to it. Then the smell got up my nose. It also made his teeth yellow and I found that a turn off. Had nothing to do with why the relationship ended though but I couldn't see myself putting up with that forever.



Doesn't sound like you were with this guy very long anyway. I'd just..let it go. Why bother labeling it as being "shallow", you can't help your feelings and thoughts. You can't make yourself like his scent and whatever else bothered you. Do you normally nitpick guys to death or is just things about this guy that bothered you so much?

"When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the ones which open for us."
- Alexander Graham Bell

I'm a noobie & promise to go back to "Introductions." So many beautiful comments here for this person's troubles has me teary-eyed & concerned. My husband has a "natural" smell as most men do...I think it just depends on you as a person if that is something you can get used to or not. After working on his truck & playing mechanic, I feel I am even more attracted to his "smell". & Though you may not be completely attracted to this man, have you taken into consideration you may not like what he looks like without a beard? When you love someone, you will love everything about them. After some time, the things you thought you could never get by, may seem as important to you as the person you love. You also mention that there are other reasons...if may help if you were to share with us or give us some idea. It just seems like you really care about this guy & yet, something as insignificant as a scent drew you apart from him. I say, if he's wonderful & amazing...don't let him go. If the other reasons you don't seem very willing to share are more extreme & he seems to be pulling away...be on your way.

Thanks for all your comments, they are helpful. No, I don't normally nitpick. It was just the getting close thing which of course is crucial to an intimate relationship. I really hoped it would become less obvious as I like him, but it hasn't. I think it's a basic pheremone thing. It's possible that better hygiene would have made a difference but I don't know if that's the problem, doesn't seem like it. I can't hassle him to wash more and then find out it's not the problem anyway. It seems ridiculous that this should get in the way of what otherwise would be a good match. I feel very guilty. What do you tell a person about something like this? I'm also so sad and depressed that I can't make this work.

May you find peace, spider__.

Thanks for your kind thoughts, TheByzantine. Nature is complicated, isn't it?

For sure. For sure.