Husband won't budge on budget

We are up to our eyeballs in debt - nearly $75,000. Just making the minimums, and barely making life expenses, we break even on a recent budget....down to 30 cents.

Yet every item I ask my husband if we can cut, he refuses. Newspaper, nope. Cable, nope. He won't let me sell my car and buy a beater using cash from savings.

He is giving me absolutely NO ideas on how we can get out of debt any faster and get more wiggle room in the budget for any crisis. There's no room in the budget for unexpected bills, not even for Christmas.

How do I get my husband to wake up and realize that this is serious? I am NOT going to get a better job, period. Yes, I am underpaid, but that's it. It's not going to change. I'm a CPA with a partial MBA and 8 years experience...making $12.75 an hour. But that's what happens when you have a mental breakdown, get fired for being crazy, sit on unemployment for 9 months, and the economy is shot to heck and this is all you can find. We have to live with what we have. Not what we HAD.

And the even funnier part is, he keeps complaining that he wants to go on a vacation. He's burned out at work, and he has accrued over 4 MONTHS of vacation time at work (it was his 2nd job for several years, he would only take vacation pay at his main job, and they let it just keep accruing). How in the heck are we going to pay for a vacation??????????

Does your husband have the final say in your marriage? What would happen if you went ahead and reduced some expenses even if he disagrees?

Well, we're co-owners on the car for example, so I can't just sell that without him signing on it. Not to mention he'd get really mad.

I guess I could just cancel the newspaper and see what happens, but he'd get upset. But that's a measly $10.75 a month, which is one reason why he sees no reason to cancel it.

You do not need me to tell you that you cannot resolve this alone. Maybe a bankruptcy?

He needs to understand that you still feel the situation is out of control. It seems like he is thinking that he's given up what he can. If he felt it was really out of control, he would even consider the things he isn't doing at the moment.

I'd suggest counselling as counsellors are well aware that financial issues can break a marriage. Quite often, it's not so much debts or low income that is the worst problem but people's individual ways of dealing with it (or not) that drive them apart.

If he won't see a counsellor with you, then you could try sitting with him and drawing up lists in order of priority - A - things you have to have; B - things that you really don't want to be without but could cope with losing if necessary; C - things that are desirable but not that important; D - things you really don't care much about and could go. If you both put everthing that could improve your income or reduce your outgoings into boxes, it might make him aware that there are shades of importance that maybe he wasn't seeing before. You'd have to be fair about putting things of importance to you in the picture too or he would feel he's doing all the sacrificing.

I hope things work out for you; lots of people are in this situation and I've felt financial strain a lot too. I know how it makes one feel unworthy and in despair. Just remember that althought debt can feel shameful and soul-destroying, there are worst things to be ashamed of.

Re-reading your message, I do think it's worth considering professional debt counsellors if haven't already done so. Bankruptcy is an idea - avoid if possible, but if you are under too much strain it can relieve the pressure. I've known people come through it feeling great relief, but as I say try all other options first. Good luck and hugs xx

Your husband is probably doing what I'm doing - Ignoring things and hoping it goes away. A year later I have bill collectors looking for me with court letters.

My income was covering the min payments a month and I was left with like 25.00 a month and eventually just let everything go.

So, you probably just need to do whatever you can on your own and deal with it when he says something.

Martina,

My husband is a spendthrift too. I have just recently -- in the past 2 - 3 years been able to rein him in.

From communications with two close friends, I finally realized that I have been letting him bully me into bad decisions for my entire married life. With the help of my two friends I have finally figured how to back him into a corner for a change.

My advice is stand up now. It is empowering. I would just cancel the items you don't need. Just tell him sorry, you needed some peace of mind, and you had the best interest of your relationship in mind by taking these actions.

EJ

Well that's the thing. I'm the one who screwed it all up, not him. So maybe he just harbors a lot of resentment about the whole deal. He had THOUSANDS of dollars in the bank until I came along and f'd it all up. I charged up one $7,500 credit card behind his back in a matter of weeks (I was manic...not yet in treatment). When I was in the hospital and not getting paychecks, and then when I got fired for being crazy, we dipped into lines of credit just to pay the bills. We HAD a huge savings account but it's tied up in a land purchase - we intended to buy a house. We were supposed to sign the papers on the mortgage the day I landed in the psych ward.

So, basically:

$25,000 of the debt is my student loans - all mine, prior to the marriage
$25,000 of the debt we incurred in 2008-2009 from my hospitalizations and unemployment, including medical bills - all my fault
$25,000 is our two car loans - $14,000 for his, $11,000 on mine

So out of ALL that debt...only his car loan is really his "fault." The rest is all mine.

And when we moved here in the summer of 2007, he had over $80,000 CASH sitting in the bank, and was debt-free. At that point all I had was my student loans, and his car was a lease, mine was a paid-for beater.

Now we have a $60,000 plot of land that no one will buy (been listed for over 18 months) and no money in savings, and $75,000 in debt.

And it's all because I went crazy and lost my job. And the student loans are because I was crazy in college - I really shouldn't have those, I had a full-ride scholarship and I worked part-time jobs. I used the loans for who knows what.

Did your husband know about your student loans before you were married? Did you and he agree to buy the cars? Did you intend to get unwell and unemployed?

You both know the only way out is to increase your income or reduce your expenses or both.