[salukigirl]

My friend is making me pull my hair out. Her current bf is insecure, will not let her out of his site, refuses to let her go out without him, screams and threatens to leave if she tries to go out with me without him. He is just a flat out jerk. They have probably broken up about 5-6 times in a year. They recently "broke up" and she met another guy. But found something tiny wrong with him and went back to the first guy. She calls me bawling her eyes out over how this guy treats her, tells me that I need to make her strong enough to leave him etc etc... but then never ever does! I'm totally done with it. I can't handle her staying at my house crying because of him then going back to him the next day. I feel like this will eventually turn into a violent relationship (if it hasn't already) because they are both kinda drama queens. How do I tell her that I want out of it? I can't NOT be there for her. But at the same time, I'm not going to beat myself up because she is putting herself in these self-destructive relationships.

[NuckingFutz]

Give her battered womens shelter information. Tell her in your own words that you woule like to help, but only if she gets out. If she goes back to him, tell her you can't do it anymore because she is not helping herself. The shelter can also assure her safety and give her resources and counseling to start a new life. My question to you is, does this guy know where you live? If he does, neither one of you are safe. Keep posting.

[lynn P.]

Your friend is most likely co-dependent and addicted to the drama -unfortunately you're being dragged into it. I think NF's advice is good. Tell her you care for her, but this is draining for you and you can't be involved in the relationship drama. You can still be friends or take a break - I wouldn't cut her off completely because this will isolate her further. Encourage her to look up the signs of an abusive/controlling relationship and co-dependency. Love shouldn't be a rollercoaster ride or make her feel bad

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/str...9/METHOD=print

[salukigirl]

I'm sending her a link for a page on here that gives signs of emotional abuse. Because she is the type that wont think he is being 'abusive' if he doesn't leave a mark. We'll see how this does....

you can't make her strong enough to leave this guy--only she can do that. it sounds like she needs professional help if she's willing to get it. i hate to hear about women in these situations. would she go talk to someone at a battered women's shelter or a therapist? or maybe she needs an intervention? it sounds like you've done all you can and now need to set boundaries for your own sanity. i think i'd tell her that she can't come stay with you unless she leaves him permanently.

[salukigirl]

She doesnt have insurance so a therapist is pretty much out of the question. And I think her pride is too high to go to a womens shelter. She thinks that she can handle this on her own. And I have tried convincing her and she says she knows but then just goes back to him.

maybe she could just go talk to someone at a shelter but doesn't need to go stay there if she has other resources. here is one right in your city that offers free counseling: the women's center. salukigirl, you're a good friend to try to help her.

[salukigirl]

Yeah I have donated stuff there before so I know where that is. She hasn't responded to the link yet so hopefully she is reading it over now.

[Sameera]

Your friend is headed down a very dark road then. At some point she will have to get help, the best you can do is to keep pushing her in that direction. Make sure she knows that she isn't alone and keep showing her other options. If she doesn't think there are other options she will not leave the relationship and the abuse will get worse, and as that happens the more "stuck" and isolated she will feel. She will end up believing that there is no way out and by that point the difficulty of getting her to seek help will be much greater than it is now.

If you want to help her keep showing her how bad it really is and keep telling her to get out, get help and move her life in a better direction.

I can't really give much in the way of advice for not helping her and moving on yourself. It isn't that you can't do it but for me to encourage it, understanding the results for her, is against what I feel to be right. She does and will need you more as this goes on and if you are her best/only friend than you may be the only one who really can help/get her out.

I understand that it is frustrating and isn't helpful to you but if you could, please continue to try to reach her. With the path she is heading down she will really need you.

I am sorry that I couldn't give a more positive message.

[salukigirl]

I understand that you want me to be here for her in case it does turn violent. Having been in a violent relationship before, HIS friends were even telling me "he does this to ever girl he has ever been with. it will not change. you need to leave". His own friends were telling me that and I still didn't leave. All my friends were begging me to get out and it still took several months for me to realize what I was doing to myself.

Thats why I'm starting to think that maybe I should care for my own sanity instead of being dragged into the drama. I know she wont listen, because even I didn't listen and now I'm the one doing the preaching.

I talked to her today and she got me though - my own boyfriend does half the stuff on the list of things to look for. And I have talked to him about how he emotionally abuses me. I told him I didn't want him to move to Arkansas with me but he is anyways and made me feel bad when I told him that. So who am I to talk?

I like him by himself and her by herself - but you put those two together and its like waiting for a volcano to erupt. They are both just so dramatic and hard-headed that they are fine alone but together they are soooo destructive. I know right now she wants to be with him because, when they aren't fighting, he actually makes her feel wanted. And I think if that weren't there she would have totally given up by now. But compared to other guys she has been with, his jealousy makes her feel like he really cares. (if that even made sense)

So for now, I'm listening but I'm not giving any more advice. When I do, then I become way too involved and I can't watch her do this to herself if she wont heed my advice or take my help. I just have to hope that if he ever lays a hand on her that she will be smart enough to leave.

http://www.personal-development.com/...for-friend.htm

[salukigirl]

Thanks Byz!!!

[Sameera]

Byzantine is good with those links.