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Default May 25, 2010 at 04:20 AM
  #1
while i'm very honest intellectually i'm not so honest emotionally with people because i tend to be so afraid of offending others. i guess i don't want to be the bad guy...or bad girl in my case. i tend to be rather direct, so i'm so afraid that when i'm honest emotionally i'll come across too harsh. but the people pleasing and accommodating has gotten really old. i just end up feeling resentful and people take advantage because i let them.

so, i was honest with a neighbor that i am annoyed by something she did. the communication has been thru email, she initially emailed me, and now i'm worried i probably came across much harsher than i intended because of her not being able to see my tone. so, then i start obsessing about it all and worrying about what the other person thinks.

this neighbor asked me to switch parking spots and i didn't think it would really work for her having two cars and told her, but i agreed after she kept saying it would work. so, after a couple of months, and her most likely realizing i was right, now she wants to switch back after she went and sold off one of her cars. there really is no need for her to switch back now except that it's just generally a hard spot to get out of even with one car. i don't want it back and like the new spot much better for the most part. i grudgingly agreed in the email to switch back and was honest i wasn't thrilled about it but now i'm all worried my email came across too harsh. it's a small building and she's the condo association president so i don't want to cause a stink, but i know i can't keep being so accommodating all the time. i figure i have to at least be honest that i didn't like what she's done so she won't push my boundaries like this again. this isn't really the first time i've felt pushed by her. generally, she's a nice person but i've felt my views were disregarded before in dealing with her--only to be proven right later although she's never acknowledged that--and she's pushed hard for her way which hasn't worked in the long run. ugh, setting boundaries and being emotionally honest are so hard!
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Default May 25, 2010 at 06:36 AM
  #2
It's very, very hard with neighbors, especially it sounds like in your position where she has a bit of "power".

I live on the water in a tiny town house and have two cats. My neighbors to either side of me each have three dogs. There isn't much in the way of fences; the one neighbor on the left has paved over their backyard and they never walk their dogs and there's nowhere pleasant for them to poop so they jump the fence or get out in other ways and go where there is some grass; guess whose yard :-) Luckily they mostly go through our yard and into the neighbor on the right's yard; he's the end townhouse so has a huge corner lot and, with his dogs, his yard is much more interesting to the other dogs. However, he lets his dogs just be "out" when he's out so they wander several houses and around front and wander over to my corner of the front yard and do their business where we have to put our trash for pickup (or actually up on my side of the driveway strip). And neither neighbor cleans up after their dogs.

I don't say anything, it comes with the territory of living in a small townhouse in a water community where there are numerous big dogs (it seems like almost everyone has a dog on our street :-) and, otherwise, they're pretty good neighbors, they mow the lower level of our yard where I can't, help dig us out of the snow and advise us on handyman sort of work as they've been here longer and are both professionals in the construction area.

I would think of something you might want/need and kind of keep this switcho madness as a piece of you-owe-me and, since she is association president, ask for something you want/need that she might need to pull strings for, and "remind" her, in a pleasantly teasing manner, how accommodating you were about changing parking spaces with her?

I think it's all right to be accommodating if you keep in mind your own wishes. Yes, you like the new spot better but it was originally hers so you'll be happy to give it back but it will cost her :-) Just consider that she's in your debt instead of feeling resentful.

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Default May 25, 2010 at 12:33 PM
  #3
as a small dog owner, with small poop , i apologize for your neighbors' poor form. i guess i can understand they do other things to sort of make up for it though.

i did send my neighbor a second email saying i realized my first one probably came off harsh and while i was a bit annoyed i wasn't mad. i feel good about doing that since i was honest but don't need to cause a big fuss. she responded briefly but didn't apologize or even acknowledge my being annoyed. i do sort of feel like i'll use this as a bit of leverage in the future if i want to, and hopefully she'll now think twice before trying to be pushy with me again. i just wish i could do this sort of thing without getting all obsessive about it. telling someone i'm annoyed with them is huge for me so progress is good.
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Default May 25, 2010 at 12:54 PM
  #4
It might be easier to learn to shrug? Lots of things can be annoying but in the larger scheme of things (over time) what is going to be annoying to one in a week or two's time? I clean up the poop (and/or get passive/aggressive and use my shovel to move it, LOL; you could accidentally "forget" and park in the wrong place :-) but once it's done, it's kind of over and hasn't really taken any time/much effort. It's not like the woman is going to ever ask you to change parking spots again :-) If she were that dumb, you could just go knock on her door in person, point and laugh at her!

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Default May 25, 2010 at 06:34 PM
  #5
Bloom xxxx

I have to focus on the title of your post.... you are "self sacrificing" to ensure harmony around you.
I am a people pleaser too.... but my T has driven into me that I have to make myself happy first.
Please do what you feel is best for you before anyone else. It's so difficult. I just want everyone around me to smile and be content that I end up being frustrated and burnt out.
Take care of you first and fore most.

Hugs!!!

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