[lagomorphamaniac]

I already know the answer to this question, but I can't help but post it anyway.

I have borderline personality and bipolar disorders. The combination of the two have been riddled with eating disorders, substance abuse, and a myriad of other complications through the years. Needless to say, I don't believe that I have ever had a healthy relationship with a significant other as a result.

Several months ago, I began seeing a man that showed all the signs of someone who is loving, supportive, and willing to go the distance. During a drive for a weekend getaway, he opened up his heart and revealed a grocery list of short-comings and insane relationships he has had over the years. He told me of how he hurt these women and how they hurt him, and how he doesn't want to continue the cycle with me. After his display of honesty, I confessed my mental illness to him. At the time it didn't seem to affect his feelings at all. Over the next several weeks, his affections appeared to deepen, and he often expressed concern for my health and well-being.

Unfortunately, I was simultaneously caught in a self-destructive manic phase. I stayed up to late, blew off responsibilities, and was drinking heavily. I was trying to live like "everyone else." People thought I was fun, energetic, engaging, but I was truly losing a grip on reality. Then, it a fateful moment, I imploded. The next day I checked myself in to the hospital. I desperately want help for this cycle that has ruined every positive thing I have ever tried to do in my life.

What was the reaction from this man? Anger and disappointment. These emotions I can understand. But he turned his back on me. He didn't call, won't discuss the events of that night, won't discuss my treatment, nothing. Now I can't stop obsessing. I'm beating myself up for it. I just want to be loved! I hate being alone! I was there for him when he was ranting and raging about his divorce and his job and everything else, but he tells me that he doesn't have the patience to deal with my issues. I'm dealing with my issues...I started in a 12 step program once released from the hospital, and am working with my therapist on getting into a DBT program.

I know that if he is the kind of man that he says he is and the kind of man I want him to be, that he will be patient with me as I have been with him. I know I deserve someone who is going to be by my side in sickness and in health. I know I made a horrible decision, but one bad decision shouldn't deem me completely unfit. I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but I deserve the chance for my actions to speak louder than words.

So, why am I obsessing so much on what this one person feels?

Hello, lagomorphamaniac. He has shown you what kind of man he is. When the going get tough, he runs away.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I wish you the best in getting better.