likely the wrong place for it- need to talk

Someone from my past is back in town, someone who left me 4 years ago to go out West. You may have remembered me talking about him before? We had a short relationsihip, I may have mentioned in one of my threads a long time ago about him telling me to get off of him because he would rape me, something along those lines. Anyways, he went out West the day after that night.... went months without phoning me.

Contacts my sister months ago, talking to her.
Last time I heard from him was about a year ago.

Now he is back in town, well 2 cities over... called my sister today to let her know that he was at the YMCA staying in a room.

He has alot of past issues with abuse etc, I think with choking as he would almost get to the point of freaking out if I went by his neck.

All he has is his backpack. Why he came back here, after leaving a good paying job I don't know. We wants to meet up next week. The week my BF takes off for a fly in fishing trip....

Perfect timing huh.
I'm sure it'll be harmless, was just in shock, he put me through so much emotionally, he got suicidal when he was away, drinking alot etc.. pretty much told me I was the reason why he got sick because I broke things off with him and went with my current BF.

Don't know.

What are your thoughts? A bit stressed, but I don't think I should be. I think it's going to be awkward.

As long as my sister is there with me i'm sure it'll be ok.
Just don't know.

sundance, so you've already made the decision to meet with him? if you feel you need to talk to him for closure's sake, you might want to try the phone first? it sounds as though he's been pretty unstable and i would just want to feel things out over the phone and then make that decision to meet. that's me, though.

i wish you well with this.

be safe,

kd

Well, I do feel inclined to.
He's back now, and wants to see us again, me and my sister. We are all he really knows here, which I don't get... why would he come back then?

He wants to cook for me and my BF and my sister and her fiancee.

Me and him do have a past. I don't know if he is still unstable, I haven't talked to him on the phone in forever, yrs?
I talked to him on icq many years ago, and once or twice on msn, can't even recall when that is.

I wouldn't feel comfortable I don't think hanging out on my own, as long as my sister is there.

I don't know. Another thing is that all day for most of the day anyways I had a tight chest, thought it was depression, but I don't know....

Hi Sundance,

I have a few warning bells ringing on this one. It feels like there is something that he wants, maybe life is not so good for him now and he is looking back.

This could be upsetting for him and for you, given the history that you have described.

If you feel strong and you definitely have someone with you......... do take care.

Good thoughts, Myzen

PS - In my experience, there are difficult relationships and easy relationships. I have made some efforts over the years with people who were obviously damaged, and all I ever got was a hard time, no matter how much I tried to empathise and help.

With easy relationships I had an easy time, and no trouble. It is almost as if there is a club of people who know that they are 'alright' and include other 'alright' people in their social group. But, they keep the difficult people at arms length. This makes life very lonely for the difficult people, and it may be that your friend is suffering this kind of rejection.

I know it sounds hard, but you can't be responsible for another persons unhappy past. A good counsellor or therapist is properly trained to deal with this stuff.

Thank you Myzen,

I don't know what my gut is telling me about this, I don't know. I'm just feeling confused.... I could call my psychiatrist, but there wouldn't be a point because she is away on holidays and I don't get in to see her until August 4th, my sister will be with me, I wouldn't hang out with him on my own. I do have that feeling of guilt when I think back, that he said that it was me as the reason to why he tried to hurt himself. But that was 4 yrs ago, we did have a long talk on icq a long time ago and talked about a lot of things.

So I think that helped the situtaion. He doesn't know anyone anymore, and I guess since he knows me and my sister he thought to contact us...

I'm always cautious, I want my bf to be there but it just so happens he'll be away on a fishing trip, wont even have a phone or anything where I could phone him, perfect timing eh.

Well I guess we'll see... I don't know yet. Meh.

sundance, this concerns me and i really don't know why so bear with me k?

i would wait until b/f gets back and discuss it with him. if he agrees, have him go with if you feel an obligation to this man due to history. that's what i would do.

be safe, hon.

kd

My bf knows that he is back etc. I told him the only thing I wouldn't feel right about is if I was left alone with him, he agreed.
He isn't much for words my guy, I don't know it's hard to have a conversation with him.

I'd make sure none the less that I was with my sister etc ... I think though that things will be ok, I can't seem him going weird....

Maybe that is why I should be cautious?

ARGH!!

I'm probably making it out bigger then it is, I always do that!

Hi, Sundance,
I'm certainly not a good one to be giving advice, but I think your body is telling you something significant.
What is that?
This man, your old flame, caused you a lot of distress, PLUS, he placed blame on YOU for his actions of trying to harm himself.
Obviously, you had strong feelings for him at one time, but now you have a significant other, your boyfriend. I am wondering what purpose it will serve to be in the company of this old boyfriend? Just a friendly visit? For some kind of face to face closure? To resurrect old feelings? To bring back all the pain you experienced?
Of course, it could be that now being in his presence, you will realize there are no longer any feelings for him, and that could be beneficial. On the other hand, he sounds very unstable, and you could be setting yourself up for more heartache and anxiety....and I think that is what your body is trying to tell you.
My personal opinion...no worth much, mind you...is that seeing this man is not a good idea.
Seeker

sundance, seeker put very well what i was trying to say.

i, for some reason, feel this is a bad idea and if you feel you have a obligation of some kind, i think the phone would suffice...at the very least, the first step.

we, of course, don't know the entire story...so we could be way off base. however, from what you've said, i wouldn't go.

be safe,

kd

He isn't really an old flame, we were never really intimate, hell I haven't even seen him naked.. lol we met at a bar, met via a friend and hung out a few times... he stayed over the last night before he was to leave and that was that. Weird thing is that yes I was worried about him etc, but if I really wanted him to stay I would have ran out and stopped him from getting on to that bus but I didn't.

He is well aware of my relationship with my bf, he respects it. Friendship if that is all i'd be looking for, even if it was that. I am not looking to resurrect old feelings at all, i know what I have is fantastic, this is a man that I hope to marry one day... I don't think it will bring back the pain, it might be awkward, I don't know. It may not be a good idea, I don't know. I don't have any feelings for him anymore in that sense, but it would be nice to have that closure properly instead of how it was long distance and through email. If he needs it then perfect... we move on. If we decide to keep in touch that will be fine too... I don't know if I feel obligated, in a way it would be nice to touch base again, that may sound crazy. I want my BF to be there but it's impossible.

I don't know.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kimmydawn said:
sundance, seeker put very well what i was trying to say.

i, for some reason, feel this is a bad idea and if you feel you have a obligation of some kind, i think the phone would suffice...at the very least, the first step.

we, of course, don't know the entire story...so we could be way off base. however, from what you've said, i wouldn't go.

be safe,

kd

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I don't think we'd be going anywhere if anything me and my sister would go down the street for coffee, or he'd go to the house I don't know I haven't talked to him .... if he phones next week i'm sure that I will get my chance if he wants to talk, my sister has been answering the phone since i'm always here.

((((((((((((((sundance)))))))))))))))) it sounds as thought you've made up your mind. i hope you get out of it what you need/want. i hope it turns out well.

keep us informed?

kd

Of course I will kd, I haven't made a final decision yet, trying not to think about it until it actually happens, if it happens.

I still don't know.
But i'll keep you posted hon.

((((((kimmydawn))))))

in my honest thougts take all who care with you. Be careful and keep us posted you sound like you want to see him, for some odd reason..

he has come back to see the two of you for a reason.. He may be on vaction, I am not sure, sound werid... I am not sure about that either.

Makes one wonder why he would leave a good job and come back to see you and your sis unless somehting is up.. He could be sick and wants to make amends for things he had done in the past never know untill you go and see him..

As long as you knwo you are going to be safe and secuer in seeing him, do not let him in any home.. DO it in a public place till you know all is well ok..

Go with your gut sundance. ok.

Trust me on this one.. Sometimes people from our past do not always have good intetions no matter how good they tend to sound.

(((((((Ozzie)))))))

Lady Dragus- I am not going anywhere to see him, I beleive he would be coming my way ... not sure if it's to do coffee, or if he is coming to the house. If he is coming to the house then that will be ok cause my dad will more then likely be there, perhaps my mom and my sister's fiancee, plus the dog, my sister and my niece.

I doubt he is vacationing, he is staying at the YMCA, the room consists of a bed and a dresser I think, and he only has his backpack. I don't know if he has been in contact with anyone beside my sister. From what I know of his mom the last time he saw her they parted on bad terms. He told me she ripped up the only picture that he had of me, or something like that. I'm not sure if everything he has told me is the truth, he is a bit shady.

I guess I'll know more the coming week.

ok just be carefull.. I care for you and i know you arleady know that..

but sometiems it helps to see and hear it ....

Oi I don't know I don't know...

I Haven't checked in for a long time, so it's good to know you're doing okay, but I must say that like many others I'm not sure meeting with him is a good idea...not only NOT a good idea, but a definite BAD idea.
Take care.
Jon

ff_topic: to jon

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sweetie you sound so conflicted about this.. message me if you need to talk ok