[millhouse]

hi all.

my girl and lived togeter for thirteen yrs until 5 months ago,when we split but spoke daily on the phone,1 month later she is dating a guy i know very well-(i must say that this guy was married and is seperated for 2 years.and his wife is on the sene aswell small town the 4 of us live within 3 mile)yeah sure i done all the mad things but have now come to terms with it.she called me uo 5 days ago and we meet at my house,we talked all night for 9hrs she asked me for hugs which i gave but was unsure she cryed it was wery emotional for us both,she said she was going to tell yhe new guy she wanted a break and she did but the next day she told him she made a mistake but he just said we will leave it at a break,so 3 days ago she calls me up we get on really well and she tells me maybe to much bout new guy.i gave her my opinion and told her be on her own for a month or 2,her reply is i just want to go with flow for a while.i said to her that if her and new man are togeter (which i knew they would be)not to contact me.it has been hell the last few months but im on the up.any advise what my role is here in this 3 person relationship?is she rebounding or have i got a chance of getting her back.we both have a strong bond and love for eachother,she also told me that with new guy somthings not right or somthings missing.what do i do help??????

Seems she thinks of you more as a mentor than a significant other.

[Belle1979]

I don't think that you can help.
It's too emotional for you. It's not fair to you that she turns to you to help her through this.

[NuckingFutz]

Think about what you REALLY want... Either go for her or if not, set some boundries because what you seem to be going through is hell. Keep posting in the process...we will be here throughout.

[millhouse]

well they are back on.can anyone shine some light on these rebound relationships cause i dont know if this falls into this class.?and if it is a rebound do they work out>i know she hasent gone through any kind of griveing cause she went in head first.ive always had my suspision about new guy and use to joke with her about fancying him.(gut feeling and all that).i just dont know what to do as i will be meeting them out new years night (small town few bars)and my norm is just saying hello how are you.should i still befriend her?i would miss not talking with her but if im being used for a self essteem boost and she goes back to new guy without a care in the world.confusing??

[millhouse]

well its back on with other guy,its hard cause i see them alot and ill see them new years eve.what if i were to talk to her and ask her if there were a chance for us,and just explain that i cant be waiting round while she is intimate with other guy.would this scare her or would it sound as if i was pressuring her.i know her head is all over the place.but i was doing so well until she called to me last week (getting councilling sleeping tabs ect)fell much stronger after all the pain.but now she has got my head thinking 24/7....confusied..????

[Pomegranate]

I would stick to your request that she not have any contact with you if she's going to be involved with the other guy. Beyond that I think your idea that she should just be on her own for awhile - especially before the two of you get back together - is an excellent idea. It sounds very much like she is her problem.

[millhouse]

when i was out the night before last new guy was in the bar she then came in i just said hello and kept away from them i just left and went to another bar.she is driving his car so seems there getting closer.then i meet her outside the bar on her own by accident i feel so stupid today cause i just burst into tears in front of her.well it looks like she wants to be with him i just wish she hadent called to me saying she loved me and all those hugs.any ideas anyone. still so confused.???

[Belle1979]

I have had a similar thing happen and all I can say is that while they are in another relationship it's like they are living a fantasy - La La Land as a friend of mine put it. Rebound relationships can work but it doesn't mean that they are actually really happy.
Give yourself some space - I have now I am going through 'no contact' and it really feels like I am in control now
I think she needs time to miss you and it will give you a chance to decide what you really need in your life too.

[Pomegranate]

I think Belle gave you excellent advice. Try to stay in 'no contact' mode, take it one day or hour at a time. Do good things for yourself, treat yourself, distract yourself. You will heal and start feeling better. Breaking up right before the holidays is always the pits for anyone.

[millhouse]

well its been seven months now since we parted,she is taking new guy to her sisters wedding tommorow,funny thing new guys wife is going to evining part.i know i should not but me and new guy had a fight 1st of feb,they were in my local pub flirting.i meet her two weeks later she was driving and she stopped and we talked only for a minute.she seems diffrent she has also changed her phone number.new guy has money and brings her out alot she also drinks far mopre than she use to.you think u know someone i thought i knew her ,the funny thing is i cant stop thinging about her,and would probbly take her back if she wanted.any advice you guys know what your talking about.

[tlswv]

Hi there. You have to be having a hard time after 13 years with someone.

I think what you told her about taking some time and if she is in contact with him not to contact you, is coming from a healthy side of you that is your survival instinct. You are protecting yourself from more hurt. I also think this sets up a healthy boundary for her, so she can know that you respect yourself, but you also respect her by giving her time to think it through. At this point, it sounds as if you would like to have her back if that were possible. As far as what she is thinking? It is hard to tell because there is someone else in the picture that is clouding the issue. Clearly you are very important to her still because she keeps coming back to you. You are her 'safe spot'. She knows you care. The other man is married and that must be scary, as he also has someone else in the picture. She sounds as if she is feeling very vulnerable right now with whatever is going on with the other guy. You made the right decision by trying to set up a boundary. No one can think clearly like that.

There is something called "wise mind, emotional mind, and rational mind". It means depending on what we are going through, we will think differently. They are like three circles intertwined, because they all belong to you. When you go to work, you are in your "rational mind". When you are with a mate, or with family, you are in your "emotional mind". Your "wise mind" is in the middle, which is a combination of the two. It means to stop and think, "is this healthy for me? am I angry right now? am I too emotional?, etc."

For example, your rational mind about this situation might say, "she left. She is not into me anymore. I'm staying away from her." This is your thoughts without too much emotion. Your emotional mind might be saying "I'm losing her. I want to fix things and get us back to normal. I can't let her go. I love her. She loves me. I need her and she needs me, etc." Your wise mind might be saying, "I love her even though she left. We have 13 years together. I can't let her keep hurting me, though. This is too much. I need to protect myself somehow. I can't just keep seeing her while she sees this other guy. This is not good for either of us like this."

Sorry to go on and on. I wanted to help you see how you seem right now to be working towards "wise mind", which is the healthiest place for you right now. You don't want to stop your emotions, but you don't want to continue to be hurt, so you have to set boundaries with others, and only time heals these types of wounds. It's hard to get through this, especially when someone else is involved.

P.S. Obviously, I'm in the field. I have my master's degree in psychology and almost have my doctorate. Take care of yourself, and from a professional standpoint, you sound like you're on the right track.

Originally Posted by millhouse

hi all.

my girl and lived togeter for thirteen yrs until 5 months ago,when we split but spoke daily on the phone,1 month later she is dating a guy i know very well-(i must say that this guy was married and is seperated for 2 years.and his wife is on the sene aswell small town the 4 of us live within 3 mile)yeah sure i done all the mad things but have now come to terms with it.she called me uo 5 days ago and we meet at my house,we talked all night for 9hrs she asked me for hugs which i gave but was unsure she cryed it was wery emotional for us both,she said she was going to tell yhe new guy she wanted a break and she did but the next day she told him she made a mistake but he just said we will leave it at a break,so 3 days ago she calls me up we get on really well and she tells me maybe to much bout new guy.i gave her my opinion and told her be on her own for a month or 2,her reply is i just want to go with flow for a while.i said to her that if her and new man are togeter (which i knew they would be)not to contact me.it has been hell the last few months but im on the up.any advise what my role is here in this 3 person relationship?is she rebounding or have i got a chance of getting her back.we both have a strong bond and love for eachother,she also told me that with new guy somthings not right or somthings missing.what do i do help??????

[perpetuallysad]

I think you are in a bad place and its unfortunate that you live in a small town where its easy to run into her. Considering that you've been apart for so long now, she's consistently been with this other guy and she's given you really nothing to indicated she wants to get back together, you are just going to have to accept your break up and move on. I realize that's way easier said than done, but holding out hope that she will come back is unfair to yourself and truthfully probably not in your best interest (if she did come back).

When you go to these bars, are you going by yourself? If you are, are you maybe going on purpose to "accidentally" bump into her? Perhaps you need to take a break from the bar scene in your area for a while.

I know it has to be extremely hard to get over such a long relationship, but you have to start working on moving forward or you will be left in a mess and everything around you will keep moving forward without you.

Good luck to you. And I'm really sorry you are going through all this.

[millhouse]

hi all again,sorry didnt log on in a while.10 months now and i have been talking to her almost every week.not we talk 4 hours but shes still with new guy he stays at week ends.i wrote her a letter and posted it nothing really bad just i said how hurt i was and all the emotions that came with it.i also said that i still loved her.then i did not have any contact with her since.that is just over 8days when she got my letter.what should i do go full n.c i worry about her she bottles things up and im the only one that can get her to talk.she gets lonley during the week so do i.but she tells me she crys but come the weekend shes in great form.i dont meet them out much as i try to avoid them. Any advise pkease.

I think the road you are traveling is a dead end.

[millhouse]

is tlswv out there.thats user name.

[millhouse]

can anyone you explain what im doing wrong and what i should be doing.

As you have stated, she talks to you during the week because you are available and she is lonely. When her paramour is around on the weekends the contact stops. She is using you. You, however, view the talks as signs that a reconciliation is possible.

You are going to be a disappointed man as long as you continue to cling to hope of a reconciliation.

[NuckingFutz]

Start mingling again socially...you never know who is out there.

[millhouse]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Start mingling again socially...you never know who is out there.

life ?i wish it was easy.