[imatter2]

I found out today that my husband is overwhelmed to the point of drowning, by the debts incurred by me and all my treatments associated with this frakking mental illness BS. How? ScreamFest 2010, hosted in my living room this afternoon . I had no idea that we had anything past due let alone in collections let alone more than one account. I think he tries to keep me sheltered from it to not stress me out - well guess what I'm sure as frak stressed out now. How am I supposed to know what I am "able to afford" if I don't know where we stand? So then I get these little sideways barbs, like "*another* dog brush?" or "Why did you buy the BIG bag of dog food?" ('cause it was on sale for nearly the same price as the small bag!). "I'm SICK of buying shoes for the kids!" (even though I get them at Walmart or Payless and never spend more than $25 total on 2 pair). I just don't know what direction to run right now

How do you and your spouse / partner communicate about finances? I'm unemployed (unemployable!) and on disability but became disabled (MI) at such a young age that my SSDI checks are dismal. Better than nothing, but barely helpful at all.

Do you have any money management tips? Ways we can make sure we're on the same page? Thoughts? Just a hug? I'm open to anything...

[lynn P.]

((Phrick)) - we've also gone through many money problems and declared bankruptcy 8 months ago. In order to save the house I've learned some money saving tips. The 1st thing I did was start shopping at lower end grocery stores. Just to give an example - I like pecan mini tarts - the lower end store has them for $2.50, the higher end has the same tarts/same name for $5.99. I save approx. $80 a week. I look for almost everything on sale and stock up on some things if I can afford it.

We cut down our phone bill from $90 to $29 by cutting out the extras. We don't have satellite/cable, rarely eat out/fast food. Before I buy something I ask myself, "do I REALLY need this"?

Sit down with your husband and plan a budget. For 2 months write down EVERYTHING you buy - even a coffee. You'll be able to see what foolish little things you can cut out. Have your husband take his lunch instead of buying his lunch. Once you start saving money, you'll start to feel encouraged and proud of yourself.

You both need to equally work on this together and you both need to know what's going on with your finances. I also don't think it's good to use credit cards and try to deal with cash only. If you don't have the money, then don't buy it. We learned the hard way. My husband was the one with the spending problem. There are many other ways to save and lots of tips on the internet. Best of luck.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello phrick,

I'm sory you had a screamfest but at least it's out in the open now and you can keep the communication as open as possible. Lynns' idea for the budget is total sense and she is right about feeling good about saving.

Really important is for you to contact all of the creditors and the collections agencies (because they are the ratbags who will hound you), and organise to pay off (say) $30 a month off a total amt. Ask them for a payment/deposit book so that you have stubs to add up and take off the total amt owed. Those which are overdue contact and ask them if you can pay the bill off over a numbr of weeks (say) 10 and that allows you to budget 1/10 or 10% for that bill.

As soon as things are under control, and the bills are paid, the money that was being paid off the bills can then start going into a bank/savings account to accumulate and gain interest; you will be surprised at how quickly it will grow. Try to save with a goal in mind and a target amount.

Before you go shopping make a shopping list and do not buy anything that is not on that list. Most importantly do not impulse buy.

I know payless and walmart are cheap for shoes but the quality isn't there and they do not last. You are better to spend $40 on one good pair of shoes that will last 12 months than a cheap pair for $20 which last for a couple of months; it's false value and those companies know it, but they get you in because of the perceived savings in dollar amounts (ask any psychologist).

Reward yourself with one of those silly treats each month at least, have a coffee or a meal out, or a new blouse or hair cut. A family visit to the zoo or some other outing that does not cost anything other than entry fee (take sandwiches and drinks for lunch out).

You can get on top of this phrick and come out much better and smiling,

Rhiannon

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Oh the other thing I thought of, check to see if there should be any indexed rise in your disability payment something like a cost of living increase that is there to help with keeping up with inflation over the years.

Other than that, try applying for an increase because of cost of living increases and inflation etc. You won't know if you don't ask. And I don't know where you live but if your disability is paid federally you can apply to have a lump sum payment paid to you because of financial distress. A friend of mine did that and she got $10,000 of course she didn't get a regular payment for a long time but she was happy because she had all her bills paid and money left in the bank for anything that came up (she lives in New Mexico).

Good Luck,

Rhiannon

[imatter2]

Originally Posted by Rhiannonsmoon

Oh the other thing I thought of, check to see if there should be any indexed rise in your disability payment something like a cost of living increase that is there to help with keeping up with inflation over the years.

Other than that, try applying for an increase because of cost of living increases and inflation etc. You won't know if you don't ask. And I don't know where you live but if your disability is paid federally you can apply to have a lump sum payment paid to you because of financial distress. A friend of mine did that and she got $10,000 of course she didn't get a regular payment for a long time but she was happy because she had all her bills paid and money left in the bank for anything that came up (she lives in New Mexico).

Good Luck,

Rhiannon

Rhiannon,

I had no idea I could apply for an increase, that's definitely something I'll look into ASAP. Also didn't know of the lump sum option. I'm in California and yes my disability is federally paid. I don't know that we can do without the monthly payment though, I'll have to present the option to my husband and see what he thinks since he's the "money man."

Last night one of the things he said was that he "works so hard to make sure I never feel like I have to pinch pennies..." yet exactly the opposite has happened - I'm afraid to buy things that aren't absolutely necessary because I know his reactions won't be great. I feel bullied sometimes, pressured and belittled for my purchases even the ones I know are valid - never good in a marriage or any relationship for that matter (for example i bought 2 dog brushes on Saturday, because the first one didn't work to comb the loose hairs off our dog, so i bought a second one hoping it would work better. From him I got "ANOTHER dog brush?!?" What he didn't know is that I need to comb out the shed on our dog because I think my 6 year old son is or is becoming allergic; he says the dog's fur that gets everywhere "makes my nose and belly itch." I didn't feel the need to tell my husband that because he makes it clear that the money is his job and the kids are mine. So, I took care of what I perceive to be a problem, and got yelled at for it, once again confirming to me that I need to pinch pennies, which he claims to be trying to avoid). He claims that if he'd known that, he wouldn't have had a problem. The reality I know, is that if I'd told him that he would have blown it off as unimportant. GUGH, I have needed to get this out for a while, I love this place that I can do that and get perceptive replies based on BTDT experiences... I haven't got a T right now because of... finances. Whatever.

[imatter2]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

((Phrick))

Sit down with your husband and plan a budget. For 2 months write down EVERYTHING you buy - even a coffee. You'll be able to see what foolish little things you can cut out. Have your husband take his lunch instead of buying his lunch. Once you start saving money, you'll start to feel encouraged and proud of yourself.

You both need to equally work on this together and you both need to know what's going on with your finances. I also don't think it's good to use credit cards and try to deal with cash only. If you don't have the money, then don't buy it. We learned the hard way. My husband was the one with the spending problem. There are many other ways to save and lots of tips on the internet. Best of luck.

Thanks for this lynn, we did the "write it all down" thing once, it did help at that time but somehow we fell off it. And I agree that he should FREAKIN' STOP SHELTERING ME from our finances. If I don't know what's there to spend, how do I know when to stop spending, you know!! I don't have much money "of my own" just a scant $300 a month and I'm always afraid to spend it because what if I need something I know he'll have a fit about (for example I have gained about 15lb on lexapro, I NEEDED new pants... and got yelled at that I have enough clothes and should just go back to the gym. F*cker). Yet he's decided to enter this weight loss contest that costs $100 to join, without asking or consideration for me at all. Because, you know, he's the Money Man and he knows what we have available and I don't and how dare I judge? Talk about a double standard!

Ok ok ok. I've ranted enough... for now

everyone please keep the ideas coming, I can sure use anything I am offered I'm certain. I you guys