My current girlfriend has major PTSD over previous relationship w/ ex girlfriend

Hello,

I have been dealing with an exceedingly difficult situation. I will try to simplify my story as much as I can. I met my current girlfriend Nicole in middle school, we were friends for quite a while. In high school she told me she wasn't interested in me as more than a friend. Later, she told me this was because she had bad memories of a relationship she had in elementary school in which her boyfriend was dating her best friend at the same time. We are both 21 years old right now. Anyway, fast forward to high school, Nicole had told me she was only interested in me as a friend. I had a hunch that she liked me but she always kind of pushed me away because of the relationship she had in elementary school. A conflict developed when a girl asked me out who Nicole had heard had a reputation for sleeping around and having multiple boyfriends without telling either of them. Now, Nicole told me this after I had agreed to go out with the girl that asked me out Sara. So I wasn't sure if Nicole was just saying this or if it was really true. My mom spoke to Sara and of course people like this are going to lie and act all sweet and nice to fool you. I found out that Nicole was 100% right about Sara after a year I finally decided enough was enough and broke up with Sara. Nicole was quite upset because I had basically called her a liar and I had a moment of stupidity and agreed with Sara that Nicole was a b**ch and I had lied to her about some things that had happened. Finally after a year or so Nicole forgave me and we moved on, for a couple months in October of 2008 we were boyfriend and girlfriend for about a week or two.

After my mistakes I made with Sara, Nicole naturally was quite hurt and I now know that she did like me and just was hurt over so her and I going out only lasted for a couple weeks as I said. She was afraid that I was going out with Sara again which unfortunately I ended up going out with Sara which bring us to about November of 2008. I became depressed when things didn't work out again with Nicole and I ended up calling Sara back, something I didn't plan to do but I was really upset things hadn't worked out with Nicole. There was also another time I had went out with Nicole back in 2004 but this only lasted a few weeks as well. So I was pretty upset because I had waited for years to go out with Nicole. It took a lot to finally help Nicole feel like she can move on. She was afraid to come over and confront the memories and have flash backs to what happened and what she went through after the first time around with Sara which as I said lasted a year. I thought finally we had gotten through everything and that it was going to work. I became quite depressed after it didn't work out.

OK, I left of in November of 2008 several sentences ago. So, I will continue from that point. I November I had told my mother that I had became pretty depressed and down in the dumps about everything. She suggested calling Sara because she was at least someone I could have a good time with and keep me company and go places with. I ended up taking my Mom's advice, she recommended I didn't tell Nicole (after all Nicole and I were just friends at this time) so I held of on telling Nicole as long as I could. I saw Sara a couple times, and we were intimate and had sex and things like that (I will come back to this later because this would lead to me lying to Nicole about intimate things that happened with Sara). Now, two weeks after I started going out with Sara I ended up telling Nicole because rumors about Sara tended to spread quickly to Nicole and I figured I needed to tell Nicole.

Well, I tell Nicole and of course she was an emotional wreck after I told her, because she did have feelings for me. Now I had no idea she had feelings for me because she always was kind of shy and timid about things. After I told Nicole this she told me that she really did love me and want to be with me. She wanted me to break things off with Sara right away, and I really wanted to as well but after wrestling over this decision for a couple days I decided to continue the relationship with Sara, I had told Sara I would give her another chance to not cheat on me thinking maybe she had grown up a bit in the four years since I first dated her. Of course, I was dead wrong as Sara ended up only wanting to talk to me on the weekends when we would either go see a movie or she would come over and we would hang out and do intimate (sexual) things. It became clear to me that Sara only was interested in sex and even as a guy I am someone who wants to be with someone who cares about more than just sex. My mom warned me not to expect more than this but, Sara fooled me with her charm and fake insincere words.

Now, I need to mention that after I told Nicole I was not going to break up with Sara she was quite hurt. I had told Nicole (which was true) that I only wanted to be with her and that if I knew that she cared about me beyond friendship that I would not go out with Sara again. However, as Nicole had done in the past she tells me how she feels after I started going out with Sara. I wish I would not have felt obligated to give Sara a chance after Nicole told me she loved me and wanted to be with me because my heart truly was with Nicole. I thought Sara cared about me again but I couldn't of been more wrong as I said. I told Nicole that it basically was too late, because again she always told me this AFTER I was going out with Sara both times. Now, I ended up breaking up with Sara again and Nicole and I started going out in January of 2009.

Of course there was a fallout from what happened with Sara and Nicole and I again had to work through issues that happened with Sara. I must mention that I haven't necessarily helped her PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) symptoms with lying to her and not coming clean with things after Nicole told me she needed to know everything that happened. First of all, as I said Nicole was hurt that I didn't just end it with Sara after Nicole told me how she felt about me. I told Nicole that I always wanted to be with her and that all I wanted to hear was that she loved me. So, I do feel bad about this but its just unfortunate the way things worked out that she was afraid to express how she felt out of fear of being hurt again. Also, in order to move on Nicole told me she needed to know everything that happened. She had to ask me about things that had happened because I forgot and just didn't tell her. She wanted to know pretty much every sexual thing that happened. First it was that I had sex again with Sara which I lied and said I didn't Then, it was about whether Sara performed oral sex on me which I said didn't happen and then she head rumors that Sara was pregnant which I was 99% sure were untrue but then I ended up having to admit I had sex with Sara without protection (she said she was on the pill but that most likely was a lie, I hear women who sleep around like to tell guys they are on the pill so they can get pregnant).

The reason why I lied to her about these things is because I knew she would be hurt and I didn't want to hurt her. Pretty much the thing that upset her the most was the fact that I waited till after she heard that Sara might be pregnant (this has since been proven untrue because Sara did not have a kid and its now been over two years so obviously that came to be false). Everything else I had pretty much admitted to her but, she still was ticked off that she had to ask about what happened. Also I had to admit to her that Sara gave me a hand job. Sorry to be so graphic but its part of what happened.

OK, this post has gotten quite long so I'm going to go ahead and get to the point. Nicole gets quite angry and she always flashes back and reminds me of things that happened. She lives two miles away and I haven't seen her in four years. She is uncomfortable being at her house and she refuses to come over to my house because she knows that I had sex with Sara in my room and just knowing that Sara was in this house would make her have flashbacks which I read were a major symptom of PTSD. Also, she has became quite "hyper-vigilant" as a lot of the articles I've read about PTSD. She has to talk to me for sometimes in excess of 4 hours on the weekends, and if she doesn't she gets very upset and sometimes she starts crying. Also, she is VERY strict and freakish about other girls. I cannot even have friends that are girls, and if she hears me talk to any other girl even at the bookstore or at college when I am on the phone, even saying hello to the staff at the college that I know makes her pissed off. One time a classmate asked me about what she had missed in a class when I was outside on the phone talking to Nicole. Nicole got so angry with me and she makes me swear I wont talk to other girls. One time I was making small talk with a clerk at a book store and I laughed at something the clerk said (I was with my mother at the time and I was checking some things out for my mom and the cashier said "I bet shes going to come back with more things" and I said laughing "yeah I'm sure". Nicole was on the phone at this time and she heard all this and she was EXTREMELY angry.

Nicole never seems to let go of things that happened, almost every day she makes a reference to what happened. If she calls me early in the morning and I am in bed she demands that I get out of my room because she knows what happened with Sara. Nicole also will kind of joke around about things and remind me how many times I did things with Sara and the things I lied about. She also has become quite angry with me at times for telling her how much I miss her and want to see her. She says she gets angry because it makes her feel like I don't understand her PTSD. Naturally, it has become incredibly difficult not to see her, its like we are having a long distance relationship, the sad thing is she lives less than 3 miles away from me. I love her so much, a lot of times I cry because its just so hard. I love Nicole, I want to make things work with her. I have apologized to her profusely. She admits that she frequently has flashbacks and cannot get out of her head what happened with me and Sara. Sara also I heard was quite cruel to her and bragged about "how much FUN!!! it was hanging out with him" (him being me) Sara can be quite a bi**h and is very selfish and doesn't care about other people. Sara once said "who cares" when a friend of Nicole's told Sara that Nicole's grandfather had passed away. Nicole told me this and I should of ended things with Sara right there, I made excuses for Sara and I shouldn't of. I openly have admitted this to Nicole that I was wrong, I have admitted I was wrong about everything and that I should of told her everything in the beginning and she wouldn't have such doubts. The lies have made her think that all I am is a liar, even though I have told her and even cried telling her I'm sorry and how guilty and bad I feel. She doesn't make me feel bad but she just cant let it go and it really is difficult because then I have to relive my guilt. She refuses to get help and would not even think about it. She sometimes says she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore, but then she asks me when I am going to get my own place. She is kind of all over the place, sometimes she wont talk about it for a week then she'll bring it up. Its always the same thing over and over again, "why didn't you tell me what happened, you lied to me so many times, your gonna go out with Sara again, its just going to keep happening and its never going to stop, your never going to stop lying. Your going to go out with other girls". These are some of the things she says to me over and over and over again. She says "I am never coming to that house ever again". As I said she becomes angry when I ask if she wants to come over or tell her that we need to hang out.

I am thinking maybe I can talk to her Mom and tell her about things that happened and try to see if she is willing to talk to Nicole and help get her to see a psychologist or someone who is trained in helping people overcome PTSD. Nicole doesn't like to talk to her mom about her relationship things. Her parents are pretty over protective of her. It might be important to note that Nicole and I are both disabled and have to rely on a wheelchair to get around. Her condition renders her paralyzed from the chest down and render her unable to do most things by herself. Obviously with her being a girl her parents are going to be more protective of her and of course Nicole herself is going to feel vulnerable. Nicole also might become angry with me if I talk to her mom about things she might not want her mom to know. Nicole's parents like me a lot though so I think they would understand and would be willing to listen and maybe help with things. Her mom is very kind, but she is very concerned when it comes to her daughter naturally.

If anyone has any advice I am willing to listen, I think however that Nicole needs to see a therapist if there is any hope of me seeing her anytime soon. She does not trust me whatsoever and she just cant stop flashing back to the past. The past two years this has been going on. I really want things to work with Nicole but I am becoming depressed over not getting to see her. Also, Nicole is very clingy, which I read also happens from PTSD, she gets overly dependent on me. She even gets angry if I go to see a hockey game which I like to do once in a while. Even if I only go once or twice a year she gets really angry. I need to point out that I went to a hockey game with Sara and Sara really did rub this in so I think that is her issue but even if its a baseball game or football game she gets very angry and makes me swear to her that I wont go to any games. I have ended up having to lie to her in order to do the things I enjoy once in a while. The last time I had to say I was going out to dinner with family, and she even became angry about that and made me swear I wasn't going to again. Nicole has said that even just for a few hours when I am out someplace it makes her have panic attacks and flash backs and makes her think that I am going out with Sara all over again. I also should point out that she also doesn't like my Mom very much because I told her the story of how I ended up calling Sara back again which my mom suggested I should do. That also has a lot to deal with why she wont come over. She has said MAYBE when I get my own place that she will come over and hang out with me. I just really need to get to spend time with her and its killing me not getting to.

Sorry for such a long post, I am very appreciative for any advice.

Thank you,

Michael

Sounds as if the trust has been broken and probably won't ever be earned back,imo. Also even if she doesn't trust you she doesn't have the right to tell you you can't go here or there or hang here or there or see this friend or that. Now lieong is wrong no matter what even if the lieing is in withholding of information. This omission is still a lie especially because the truth then is found out through third party sources and hurts so much worse,and even if that advice came from your mother at 21 you should know better.(Sorry but I really don't like lies) ok anyway I think you and nicole need to have an actual face to face conversation to discuss what you both want with your relationship and set some boundaries to make it healthier for the both of you. With some new boundaries set in place hopefully you two can work on some of the more emotional issues together and go the distance(if that's what you both want) that's all I have at the moment. I'm sure some others will give some other perspective and will help balance things out. Good luck.

Sounds like Nicole has problems of her own and is spending too much time worrying about what other people are doing. When you were not with her, you did not owe her anything and after you are with her, what you said or did when you were not with her is not germane to her. That she had problems with relationships previously is not your problem; all you can do is keep telling her that it is not what is happening now, with her. But you can't "fix" Nicole for her, only she can do that.

Bridgie,

Yes you are right I have learned that things wouldn't be as bad if I had told Nicole the truth from the beginning. Even though I was trying not to hurt her feelings by avoiding telling her things that happened that I knew would hurt her but I should have just told her what happened even though I knew how hurt and angry she would be. She did tell me she needed to know EVERYTHING and I know I should have told her everything that happened because I knew especially the way rumors got around about my ex Sara that she was going to find things out, I just was hoping the situation where Sara claimed she was pregnant (Sara always thought it was funny just to say it even if it was BS). I think Sara did this just to upset Nicole because that's the kind of person Sara is.

I have apoligized multiple times to Nicole and the problem is just that I went out with Sara twice and Nicole keeps thinking thats going to happen again. Nicole does not want to hang out with me at my house because I had sex with Sara in my bedroom which was the same room where Nicole and I shared our first kiss together when we were going out for a short time after I broke up with Sara the first time in 2005. Nicole refuses to come over here and this is why I think she has PTSD. I need to know what I should do, because I think she is going to need professional help and counseling because she is continually angry and we end up re-hashing everything that happend she keeps thinking that I want to go out with other women, this is completley un-true I always wanted to be with Nicole, I wish things would of worked out with Nicole because she is the person I wanted to be with and do want to be with. She tells me she frequently has panic attacks she tells me during the day.

The reason why she has an issue with me going places is because she flashes back to when I went to a hockey game with Sara (the only game I went with Sara to) back in 2004. Every time I have gone to see a game she has gotten so upset. She tells me that when she doesn't get to talk to me particularly on the weekend at night when we are able to talk for hours on end, when she doesn't get to talk on weekend evenings which is typically when I go to games, she starts thinking that were back in that situation again where I'm going out with Sara. She keeps relapsing and flashing back into the past she tells me and she keeps thinking that I am going out with Sara all over again. She dosent want to come over to my house for the same reason, especially if she was here she would have to confront her memories again and she told me she would get very angry and upset because if she did come over she would know that Sara was at my house and we had sex and things. Just knowing that Sara was here freaks her out. What can I do about this? Should I talk to her mother and tell her maybe that Nicole needs therapy? Because when I bring this up to her she just refuses to acknowledge that she needs help and I think she really does. The only time she would consider hanging out is when I move into a different house.

Bridgie,

Yes I have apoligized to Nicole for lying, I was trying to not hurt Nicole by avoiding telling her things that would upset her. I wish I would have told her everything that happened with Sara, like she told me she needed to know.

The problem now is just that Nicole does not want to hang out with me at my house, she is uncomfortable hanging out in public and at her own house. It has been four years since I saw her. She is afraid to come over here because she knows that she will be aware that Sara was in the same house and had sex with me in my room, which happend to be the same place Nicole and I shared our first kiss. Also, this is why she had issues with other girls and with me going to games especially on weekend evenings which is when I usually go to games. Nicole and I usually talk until very very late at night on weekends. She tells me whenever she doesent get to talk she has panic attacks and worries that Sara is going to be back in the picture or that I am going out with other girls.

The problem with going to games is that I went to a hockey game with sara one time, usually I go to see at most 3 or 4 hockey games a year so she made me promise her I wont go to see any games because everytime I have gone to a game since I went to one with Sara five years ago, Nicole flashes back and has panic attacks thinking that its happening all over again. It is important to note that Sara was very cruel to Nicole (they used to see each other a lot especially 5 years ago when the 3 of us were in high school). Nicole told me Sara relentlessly bragged and made a big deal out of the one time that I went to the hockey game with Sara. Sara pretty emotionally abused and tormented Nicole. This is why Nicole tells me she has an issue with me going to games. As far as coming over to see me, she knows that Sara was in the same house and just knowing that Sara was here and especially knowing the intimate things that happened in my room would make her have flashbacks and become extremely angry and then start crying her eyes out. Obviously, this is something she would want to avoid.

These reasons above are why I think she has PTSD, I really need advice on what I should do about getting her to come over, I should note that Nicole did come over after I went out with Sara the first time but she says now she just cant do it again, she said it was very difficult to come over after the first go around with Sara and now she says "I just cant go through that."

you have a right to tell her how you feel and that you would like to discuss it in person and as calmly as possible. And when she is ready to come over and converse then you two can discuss what needs to happen to make your relationship better and if that included her going to therapy (I would bring it up to her again, maybe mention it to her that you are contemplating talking to her mom about it) set some boundaries you need to have a healthy relationship for the both of you. Make it clear you will talk to her when she's ready to come over and talk to you if that's what you feel you need to do. Don't feed into her behaviors that aren't healthy. But in the end any help for herself has to come from wanting it for herself. Can't make anyone (well we can't ) want to do anything they don't want to. And if when its all said and done things don't work out you gave it your best shot but you are young and there are others out there so either way things will work out

The issue is that she just cannot get over her hatred for my ex girlfriend, no matter what she seems unable to get past what happened and move on. Anytime I tell her I miss her and want to hug and kiss and hold her she gets angry and says "like I didn't already know that" and "its not going to happen because the same things happened with Sara." I just don't know how to get her to get over Sara and what happened, it bothered her so deeply that she just cant get it off her mind, like I said she cant get over her hatred of Sara knowing how much she (nicole) was hurt because of what happened. Nicole just seems to have this inability to move on and move forward and put things in the past. She tells me this always has been a difficult thing for her, its always been difficult. I know there's not much anyone can do but her, however I think she just needs to see a counselor. She told me she went to counseling before for anger management issues and it didn't do her a whole lot of good (she often gets extremely angry over things that happened in the past with Sara). I guess I will have to talk to her mom and tell her whats been going on.

Now if I tell Nicole I'm thinking about bring it up to her mother she would be very angry and demand that I don't tell her mother, therefore I am going to have to talk to her mother and ask her to not tell Nicole (or somehow in a roundabout way so she wont become angry). But yes, ultimately it will have to come from Nicole. I do think she would like to be able to move on but I don't think she is willing to go to counseling for this issue but I don't know maybe I can get her to be willing to somehow. Its so difficult on me going through this too, this morning after talking to her I was just in tears because I miss her so much. I've been pretty depressed lately over things. Its so hard not getting to see someone you love so much.

I do hope things work out but I've done all I can, if she doesn't think it will or want things to work then there's nothing I can do. The only thing is that she seems like she is very much in love with me like Saturday night but, now today shes saying she just wants to be friends and dosen't know if she'll ever want to be more than friends. I try not to read too much into it but, lately things just have seemed pretty hopeless. Sadly being in a wheelchair people overlook you or are afraid to be close to you so I don't know what I'd do if things didnt work out. Unfortanetly, this is true to even a larger degree for nicole, not to be cocky or anything but I honestly feel she needs someone like me that will love her and not judge her despite her deformities due to spina-bifida. I think both of us are afraid to be alone, I do not know anyone beyond one friend that I might have a chance with but hopefully I could meet someone who wont judge me. I have tried before with no luck when things weren't working out in high school, since I've been in college I've tried to meet a few other women but none were interested in being more than acquaintances. Nicole also has had the same issue when she try to be more than friends with any of her male friends. I haven't given up but i am definitely concerned about my prospects if things don't work out with Nicole. Of course the reason I want to be with her is not influenced by feelings of pity for her. A relationship based solely on feeling sorry for each other is pointless. Sometimes I think Nicole has been just going out with me because she feels she has nobody else that will love or care about her. However, I think if we can get our issues worked out she will feel much better about things and she wont be doing it because there is nobody else that cares about her in a romantic way. Because of all the issues that have happened she is afraid to be in a romantic relationship with me.