Friendship Question

Hello

I'm a 29 year old female and have been dealing with some issues for the past 2-3 years. I feel like things have been progressively getting worse for me and I just feel like I need some support.

I've been dealing with the changes in dynamics of my close friendships. I know it's a natural thing for friendships to change/grow distant over time, but it's having a really bad effect on me. It's making me feel not as important and I start overanalyzing everything. I feel like my mind is constantly being paranoid as to what they think/feel about me. I know it's not to the extreme ..such as thinking they secretly hate me, but I guess I'm just really hurt. It started off that way, but now it's making me feel lonely/sad/frustrated/upset. Even though I'm in a great relationship, and I do have other friends (although not as close) and I spend time trying to do other things, I just feel alone. My sister has been great at being there for me, but I just feel rejected in a sense from my friends and it's taking a toll on me. I also get really moody where if they say something and in my mind I take it the wrong way, I keep analyzing it and I get really upset/sad. I'm good at not taking it out at them and holding it in, but at home I just deteriorate with all those negative thoughts/assumptions. If they do/say something that gives me feeling that I'm important to them, I feel very happy. These moods can switch back and forth often in one day.

It's kind of like I'm the third/fifth wheel of my friendships where they have special bonds with at least one person. We're all good friends but they each have their #1s or is someone's #1..and I am no one's #1. So I feel rejected and not needed because they do not depend on me for anything. They don't need to talk to me often, they don't really confide in me, it's like I've turned into an aquaintance with them emotionally/bonding-wise although I do physically see them often. I am an open person and I do share my emotions and I'm great at listening. I guess they just have more in common and turn to others more. I also feel like although I'm always active in asking what's going on their lives etc. they never really ask me back. It's just all changes in the dynamics of friendships.

It's not that I want to change things back to the way it was etc., I just want to be happy and not really care about natural changes in friendships. I don't want to be bitter or upset because they're happy and I'm not.

I wouldn't say I'm a bad person or I'm not worthy to be their friend. I don't know what it is. But I don't like feeling unhappy/disappointed like this and having it go up and down.

It's now getting to the point where my thoughts/analyzations are affecting my sleep. Even if I do go to sleep and I wake up in the middle of the night I can't fall back asleep because I'll immediately think back on the negative thoughts or experiences I've had from the day before.

It's also extending outwards to relationships I have with coworkers and acquaintances. Do these people even like me? And I get paranoid and start questioning things etc.

I don't think I'm depressed, but I feel like I'm slowly getting there and I have no control over my thoughts. Sometimes I feel like Golum from LOTR, where the negative side of me is telling me one thing and the positive side of me telling me another. It's a constant battle in my mind and I just want to be at peace or at least feel indifferent and just move on with my life.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what it is I'm dealing with? I feel like I have semi-moderate cases of different things, nothing too serious, but because of the variation, it's driving me mad and making me unhappy.

Any help is appreciated. Please. Thank you.

Jane

We unfortunately have this problem and it hits sleeping and it hits before waking in the morning and we simply have to get out of bed immediately to get the mind onto something else.

Partly it is anxiety and partly ocd and developed from depression. It has taken a long time to be able to handle it and still medication is needed with extra medication from time to time.

I hope you are able to get a hold of it and not it you, because it really makes you feel as if you're going mad. Read a book, watch a movie, bake a cake anything but leave your mind free. Then again there is always therapy,

Wishing you luck

Bridie

If you are haveing issues and concerns with your friends talk to them. Whatever is bothering you get it out in the open. Whatever their response is it is ok because you will feel better because it is out. You will have a definitive(hopefully). A good friend will respond honestly. You have told us here your concerns. Go talk to them too. You will feel better if you do. Holding onto it and keeping it inside will just make you miserable.

Hi, enajmil, I think you are concentrating on what your friends and acquaintances might be thinking and feeling (and we can't know that without talking to them) versus what you want and how to get that? If you want to spend time with someone, you have to call them and set that up; it doesn't work waiting for other people to notice us and want us because they can't read our minds and hearts any better than we can read theirs. You see they have other "best" friends and are together and happy, etc. but that's observation from afar instead of being with them and enjoying what you all are doing or not.

How did you become friends with each person and why are you still friends? It could be you're not as interested in what they are interested in anymore and need to find new friends to go with new, different interests? I have two "best friends" from high school (we're 60 years old this year) but I was never really best best, we've just sort of hung together all these years and consider each other as best as a result. But one of them was into sports and I was not and I could get my mother's car and drive whereas she did not have a car so she'd call me and have me come drive her and her friends to sports things! I wasn't invited or part of the event, I was just a convenient driver. I didn't have the wherewithal at the time to try something else to get friends, was only a teen and still living at home, etc. and mistakenly thought that "something" was better than nothing. Our friendship has weathered through the years and there is more to it than just those instances where she used me but I think it is necessary to rethink who our friends are and actively work to surround ourselves with those we enjoy being with and who share our values and interests.

The high school friends were made because we lived "near" one another and could walk home from school together, talking along the way. We were all the same age/year and the other two knew one another from childhood. How did you make the friends you have now and what would you change? Make sure you are not just settling for what's "easy" and tagging along, instead, engage others for yourself and things you'd like to do.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I met these girls separately (probably average around 10-12 years ago - one girl it's been about 17 years) and to be honest we all got together through me. I used to be close with them individually but then we all got to become a group over time. That's why I know things shifted the way they did naturally. Perhaps I feel this way more so because each of them were close to me first and then as we became a group it shifted and now I'm not as important.

I have actually bumped up my effort to talk with them more often the past month and be interested in their lives. They do respond back etc. but I'll never be what they are to each other and they don't contact me as much as they do with each other no matter how much I try without looking desperate/psycho. I did pretty much tell them my concerns about our friendships drifting but they did not see it that way. I don't think they're intuitive as I am about things. I think they see that since we do "see" each other often and we do things often as a group, that there's nothing wrong. And there is nothing wrong with them becoming closer with each other so I don't want to make them feel like they're doing something wrong. I can't force them to be to me how they are to each other.

One girl told me she's close to us in different ways, but how is that possible when she never makes an effort to really speak to me first or ask me about my life but makes a conscientious effort with the other girls? I know it's not done intentionally but bottom line is I'm just not their number 1 go to person as they are with each other. I WISH that I could be, but realistically I know I won't and I think I'll be okay with that, I just need help getting to that point where it doesn't bother me. I just want to be okay about things and not feel disappointed when for example I see they're facebooking each other to call, to give words of affection, etc. but they never do that on my facebook page (although I'm constantly reaching out first to them all the time). There are just bonds created that I can't penetrate and I feel like my role now has been that they still love me as a friend but I'm being treated like an acquaintance. They still call me out to do things (and I'm not being used because I don't have a car or lots of money etc.). I know they call me out because they want to be around me. I just wish we were all equal in eachother's eyes how they are to me.

I'm just really sad and left out and I know a lot of people have it so much worse than I do...but I think I'm just mentally weak and can't get over it and it's bringing me down.

Hi enajmil, welcome to Psych Central!
Just speculating here, really, but could they be feeling that you're asking them for something they aren't prepared to give you?

Just for a hypothetical example: if you were to ask them something like, "Help me feel better about myself," they might decide they had enough on their plates trying to feel better about themselves, didn't feel as if they could do anything for you, and would rather you hadn't asked.

Make any sense?

Thanks for your reply Fool Zero, I really appreciate it

I'm kind of confused as to what you're saying. Do you mean that perhaps they can only handle a certain amount of responsibilities to friends and unfortunately the responsibilities to me might be the straw that breaks the camel's back? (camel's back meaning their plate of responsibilities?)..sorry couldn't think of a good term to fit best what I was trying to think of haha.

If that's what you're implying, I have thought of it in that way. That might be correct. I also thought of it in the sense that if you have people in your life that meets all your needs, e.g. one who you can talk dumb things with, one who is interested in your hobbies, one who you can 100% rely on etc., you kind of don't need anyone else. So that's why I'm kind of just left hanging.

There are definitely a lot of logical reasons why it is the way it is and I get that. It's just hard to deal with. It's frustrating that I can't just let it go and accept that I'm not as important to them as they are to me. I'm not sitting here thinking what's the reason? Because I can think of so many possibilities and I'll never know, but I'm just sitting here letting it get to me when it shouldn't.

I'm letting all the negative emotions rip me up inside and letting it spill into other areas of my life where now it's affecting other relationships outside of this circle of friends etc. I'm afraid of what might happen b/c my mind seems to like telling me negative things and I can't shake them off.

Hi there,
It seems that what you really want is a connection to them, and unfortunately they're not feeling that towards you. They might have one, but at least not on the level you want, and you can't force that. It seems you're looking for your friends to fill a certain void in you, a closeness, where you feel the other person really needs you around. A friend can't fill that void for you, nor can anybody. When you approach situations in this way it will come from a needy place, more than a secure one. Even though it really sucks, you will feel better if you can learn to feel good on your own, and not think you are dependent on others to get your emotional needs met. I know first hand to really like someone and want that connection (and how horrible it feels when it goes away). But you really should be thinking, why aren't they upset about issue as much as I am? If they're not thinking about it, why am I wasting so much time and energy on them? They should be worried about a connection with you, not the other way around. If they're not, then they're not worth the extra thoughts you give to them. I know you might feel they are special, but what makes them so special if they're not reciprocating the warm feelings and gestures you've been giving to them? You need to know you're deserving of a true connection, and if you're not getting it it's a lesson to move on, because there are people out there who will give it to you, and think you are deserving, and it will come from an organic place because you both will feel it. You should try to focus your attention off a situation you have no control over, and look for the better ones. You will find them, and will feel a lot better about yourself, instead of feeling less worthy because someone your focusing on doesn't seem to think you're as wonderful as you really are.

Keep being the generous kind hearted person you are,
and focus on the good connections you do have. You will attract
those who are as caring of a person as you are.

All the best to you