Boyfriend Uninterested in Sex

I'm new to this and have never posted my issue online before. I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half. We also live together and have a dog (both of which were his idea). The reason I'm writing this is because my boyfriend is never interested in sex or any form of intimacy. I used to let it go and not dwell on it, but it is getting harder than ever to deal with. It makes me question myself and have extremely low self-esteem, even though other guys have told me how beautiful I am it doesn't matter if those words aren't coming from the person you love. I tried not mentioning anything to him for a few months but nothing ever changed so I naturally had to voice my concerns. No matter how rationally I try to discuss our issues with him he never has anything more to say than, "I'm sorry." I literally cannot get any other words out of him. I can pour my heart out to him and make myself vulnerable, but he will never say anything more. I used to have good self-esteem and have always been a sexual person, but now I constantly feel rejected and ugly. Tonight was the last night I will ever try to initiate sex with him. I lit candles and dressed up and waited for him to come home from work, but as usual he showed no interest. His excuse for not wanting to is always: 1. I would like to know before hand or 2. I want it to be a surprise. No matter which way I try to go with it he always says the opposite of what I've tried that day. My self-esteem has definitely taken a hit since I've been with him and it takes a lot of courage for me to put myself out there like that. I know that a person should not base their self-worth on how someone else views them, but it's very hard not to. Regardless of how rational I am with myself I still find that I get very down. My self-esteem gets lower every day. My boyfriend is never romantic and never does anything to make me feel special. We have only gone out to dinner 3 times since we've been together. I wouldn't even classify these as dates because 2 of the times were for holidays and we went with friends. The 3rd time was because we were supposed to be going with his sister but she ended up not coming. He never touches me or tells me I'm beautiful. Nothing. We literally have no aspects of a normal, functioning relationship. I feel like we are friends, not boyfriend and girlfriend. We are more like roommates that sleep in the same bed instead of lovers. I see a counselor weekly and she has suggested couples therapy, but of course he refused. He says that he just doesn't like to talk about his feelings, especially with strangers. But he won't even talk to me about them! I feel like we are on completely different wavelengths. I want a deep, intimate connection with someone that I can feel in my soul, but it's like he only wants me around because I cook, clean, take care of our dog, and make his life run smoothly. Honestly, it's like I'm raising a child instead of sharing my life with someone. It has even gotten so bad that I had to resort to sending him an email while he was sleeping next to me because I had exhausted all forms of verbal communication. Oh, and I check his internet history and he looks at porn a few times a week. Plus, he has no problem getting an erection. He just doesn't want to have sex with me. Period.

Welcome

This is very much unsettling for you. I always have the "hmmm" reaction when I read of partners not wanting sexual connection and I do believe that there is always more than one explanation. When he lived at home with his mother did he have a dog? I mean when he was young?

I understand too that if pornography involved then it is a deeper more complex issue than first thought, often men who are addicted to pornography are satisfied by pornography and do not need or do not want any other relationship

Have you offered to leave him? The reason I ask is that you seem very shaken by this situation and your emotions seem to be at the point of confronting your boyfriend with the final straw in the relationship; I could not blame you at all for your feelings

I personally would not hang around hoping for it to be better because if after all this time it is only becoming worse then what are you doing with your life? If you are young and beautiful then go out and find someone else who is young and beautiful, find someone who is happy to share your life and interests, you are vibrant and filled with life, I would urge you to go out and live it

I truly wish you well with this problem, it only meant one thing for me, my ex husband had found another mistress (though at times I felt blessed for that), please decide what you desire and then pursue it, life is too short for it to be unhappy all of the time

OMG......totally freaking out with your post because I'm in love with a guy that behaves exactly the same way. We're not in a relationship..yet....but I'm desperately in love with him. I'm so stuck.
I know he likes me and he deeply cares for me. I also know that this is all he can offer. I've been swimming online through pages and pages related to "asexuality" and I have found common signs of behavior. I have never confronted him with this topic. I feel it would make him feel embarrassed.
Asexual men (or women) really do exist. These people simply have no sexual feelings at all. Maybe they do get erections by watching porn or they might even masturbate from time to time but....when it comes to being intimate with another person....their brain just can't deliver. They don't have this desire. The reasons can be many. This has something to do with themselves and definitely NOT with the other person.

I'm in love with him. I love him just as he is. I've even told him so. And yes....I want him so bad....till I'm blue in the face! That bad! I'm a very sexual woman and totally not shy. For the past couple of months I've been asking myself this critical question: "This love that I feel...is it strong enough to help me cope with the possibility of a long-term relationship with a man like that?".

I'm at that point right now in my life. If I insist in convincing him that I love him just as he is and "trick" both him and me in a sexless, emotionless, disconnected relationship.....maybe I'll be doing damage to both of us in the end....?

I'm curious to this post because in my relationship, I'm the one that's not really interested in sex. Granted, I had a LEEP procedure done two years ago to get rid of cancerous cells on my cervix, and sex hurt very badly for me, so that's part of the reason why I didn't want to have sex then.

I think the reason why I'm not interested in sex NOW is because of the stresses in my life just turn me off and I have no interest in putting my energy towards sex. I miss it, dont get me wrong, it's just that I feel used in parts of my life. I have a crazy home life (husband is unemployed and acts depressed, so he doesn't help out around the house one bit, so I have to cook, clean, take care of pets, a mentally handicapped brother that I have to take care of, AND work 50+ hours a week), so by the time bedtime comes around, I mentally have no energy to be aroused.

Does your boyfriend have a lot of stress in his life that could be holding him back emotionally? And has he ALWAYS been like that, since you started dating?

One thing I've told my husband time and time again (especially after denying him sex because I'm so tired after doing so much housework on top of work-work), is that he is still attractive to me, and I'm still attracted to him, but I'm just mentally not going to be into the moment because I'm tired. Has your boyfriend ever communicated WHY he isn't into sex? Like, was there a childhood trauma maybe?

wishfulthinker, are there positive things about your relationship with your boyfriend that are keeping you in the relationship? From all you wrote, I'm not sure why you are with him. I was with a man once who only occasionally wanted sex and then only if he initiated it. We did talk about it and he said he just didn't want it more frequently, that he was satisfied with having it only rarely. So basically, he just had a low sex drive. I tried to adjust but always felt unwanted and unloved, plus sexually wanting. I think if he had been a very loving man, that might have helped make up for his low sex drive, but he wasn't loving either. In retrospect, I wish I had not spent so many years of my life with him. It was painful. It is really good to figure all of this out before you have been with a guy too long, so it is really good you are thinking about all of this now, wishfulthinking.

unfortunately this seems to be a big problem with alot of relationships these days. It is normally the men that don't want the sex and intimacy! Just look around these forums here and you will find alot of women going thru the same stuff. I am included in that myself. I feel for you!

This is something I also deal with; a boyfriend that is simply not as interested in sex as I am. I seem to be one of the lucky ones, though, because he is very loving and loves to cuddle (role reversal much?). Unfortunately, it still takes a toll on me and I still have periods where I feel unloved and unwanted. In the past few months, we've talked about it several times. What seems to help me the most is having a life of my own and making sure I get plenty of exercise (I think it creates a similar type of release plus acts as a confidence and self esteem booster). We've also tried to compromise where we start out fooling around at least once a week. In the future, my boyfriend is willing to try more than once a week, but he made it clear I couldn't expect it to go from zero to everyday overnight (not saying I'd want it everyday, just saying he couldn't go from nothing to everything). So, we have to start out slow, he has to be willing to try for once a week, and I have to remember to see how he shows his love for me in other ways.

I did come across this blog by CNN's Dr. Gupta, which I found pretty interesting. You could also try showing him this as a jumping off point.
http://pagingdrgupta.blogs.cnn.com/2...week/?hpt=Sbin

Good luck!