[Distressed2010]

Hello,

I've realized I'm really good at meeting people and building acquantainces (I'm actually sucking at this right now as I'm feeling very depressed and don't feel like meeting anyone) but I don't know how to take it past that... From the ages of 14 to 18, I wasn't allowed to go out anywhere, my parents were very strict and controlling... I had migrated to US and making friends there is totally different than the country I'm in right now.

I feel like I used to do what a lot of abused adults do, I'd trust people immediately when I was in my early 20s when I got out of my home.. (now I'm 26) and it turned out that they didn't deserve my trust.

now i'm totaly lost at how to make close friends, and a lot of people I meet I dont really feel like being close to.. I'm also totally lost on how to "maintain" these relationships... How to build a network outside of a dysfunctional family?

Maybe I tend to isolate myself.. I always feel that even if i have friends today, tomorrow there might not be anyone around me and I'll always be alone

[turquoisesea]

I feel very much the same way. I'm 22 and have already lost trust in most everyone - I was so naive and trusting back several years ago =(

I'm having the same trouble so I don't have a miracle cure but it seems you have to trust first in order to create these friendships. You just have to pick carefully, and hope that the other person will trust you as well. Maybe picking some low key things to share might help?

[bridgie]

Take your time building the friendship. ask them to go for coffee to come over and talk keep conversations to what is comfortable. Slowly talk about who you are. Let them talk about who they are. I have found people always like to talk about themselves so if you ask them questions (watch how personal though) like what kind of music or movies and discuss your opinions on the topics. As time goes on they will start to open up and you can take cues from them on how soon to open up. Go window shopping movies lunch free things art shows. Having a few really good friends os better than having lots of okay friends. So focus on one or two people you think would be good people to have around. If you are funny let them know in your responses (make sure its appropriate timing) just listen is a big thing. Try to take in what they are saying. If they want to get advise or if they just want an ear of if they want to hear you have similar experiences. You can tell some of these things by how they are speaking. If it is where to meet, music shows, classes, through other friends) you would be surprised how many people have a hard time with maintaing. It is work just keep in contact make your talks worthwhile. Anyway I am rambling and repeatng.

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by bridgie

Take your time building the friendship. ask them to go for coffee to come over and talk keep conversations to what is comfortable. Slowly talk about who you are. Let them talk about who they are. I have found people always like to talk about themselves so if you ask them questions (watch how personal though) like what kind of music or movies and discuss your opinions on the topics. As time goes on they will start to open up and you can take cues from them on how soon to open up. Go window shopping movies lunch free things art shows. Having a few really good friends os better than having lots of okay friends. So focus on one or two people you think would be good people to have around. If you are funny let them know in your responses (make sure its appropriate timing) just listen is a big thing. Try to take in what they are saying. If they want to get advise or if they just want an ear of if they want to hear you have similar experiences. You can tell some of these things by how they are speaking. If it is where to meet, music shows, classes, through other friends) you would be surprised how many people have a hard time with maintaing. It is work just keep in contact make your talks worthwhile. Anyway I am rambling and repeatng.

thats great advice bridgie! thanks for breaking it down.

[salukigirl]

It's hard to know who you can trust unless you trust them and allow them to make the decision of whether to uphold it or not. I have trusted a lot of people where I learned afterward that I shouldn't have but I have put my trust into a lot of people who do deserve it. But if I would have taken those past experiences and applied them to my current friends, I wouldn't have anyone to trust.

Once you go through some experiences of learning who is and isn't trustworthy, it becomes easier to read people. I hope you can figure some of these isolation issues out. Maybe opening up about this to someone is a way of judging their trust? Just little bits of info at a time. Don't go spilling your guts out to someone....just a little tidbit at a time. Plus....we are always here for you to talk to so open up here! You will find a lot of trustworthy people on this site! Good luck.