[freestyl_er]

Hi everyone, i'm new to the community and need a little advice/opinions about my fiancee. Its difficult in a few ways so bear with me.....my fiancee was abused a lot, from around the age of 4 through to 16ish, by different situations and people. We've been together for 4 yrs and have a little girl together and share almost everything. Recently she told me that she dealt/deals with her past by simply not thinking about it. She's been to therapy (before we met) but quit due to an offensive comment. My question is this, even though her past doesn't really bother/upset her like it used to, should she consider going back to talking to a professional about it? (Just so you know there has been no closure at all with any of it. Every one of the perpitrators got away with what they done)
Any replys will be greatly appreciated

Welcome to the Community, freestyl_er. My thought is your fiancee needs to decide what is best for her. If the past is negatively influencing the present, therapy definitely is a viable consideration.

[lokipooh]

I think she should go to a Psychiatrist. I only dare to say that because I just got out of a marriage and started having alot of mental issue's. I thought it was the stress over the divorce and other stuff but I went to my dr she sent me to a psychiatrist and we found out it's coming from my past. I was also abused amongst other things. I never dealt with it either I never remembered my childhood because I've been suppressing it so much. But it came out when my psych asked me a bunch of questions, I started to think about it and realized it is making me crazy. I don't know your fiance might feel different about it, but it really helps when you deal with it.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Hello freestyl_er,

Welcome to pc. I agree with Byz 100% here. Everyone is different and as their situation relates to them, it should dictate what action they take.

Just be sure that it isn't you who needs closure. Closure for me was when it no longer bothered me.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I too agree with Byzantine ~ If she isn't "acting out" or it's not affecting her in her relationships with people, I'd leave it alone. If and when it DOES start interfering with her life, THEN she can go back and hash it out, but there's no need to now. God bless and good luck. Hugs, Lee

[freestyl_er]

Thanks for the input everybody you got some good points, We've been discussing it today. much appreciated

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by freestyl_er

She's been to therapy (before we met) but quit due to an offensive comment.

When you meet a bear in the
woods, there are two surprises.
You have one and the bear has the other.

When I encounter a comment that comes across as offensive, I find myself with two separate questions to sort out: what did the commenter intend, and how am I interpreting it? I often don't arrive at clear answers to either one. Sometimes it'll be obvious that the other person was trying to offend me or at least impose their point of view. Sometimes it'll be equally obvious that I was having a bad day and misunderstood what they said. Sometimes I'll even revisit the conversation years later and come up with a different interpretation.

I was just wondering where your fiancee is now with that offensive comment that led her to quit therapy. Does she, for instance, hold it as good reason to avoid all therapy, ever? As an indication that she'd picked the wrong therapist or that the time wasn't right? As something that she preferred to work on by herself before considering therapy again?

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Recently she told me that she dealt/deals with her past by simply not thinking about it.... My question is this, even though her past doesn't really bother/upset her like it used to, should she consider going back to talking to a professional about it?

I've never found it especially useful to hear or read that there have to be things in my past that I'm not aware of, that I need to start working on anyway. My experience has been that whenever something is ready to be worked on (or I'm ready to work on it), it'll bring itself to my attention one way or another.

On the one hand I've sometimes appreciated a bit of impartial help with sorting out which of several "somethings" to go after first. I might, for instance, feel I wasn't well suited for some job or living situation I was hoping to fit into (and keep trying to change to fit in better). Sometimes it's taken me a bit of exploring and reconsidering before I've been able to see that I was whoever I was, that the situation wasn't a suitable one for me, and that I'd rather be doing something quite different.

On the other hand I've sometimes gotten myself into unsuitable situations like the above by following the advice of someone who thought they'd be just what I needed.

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Here's where I posted one of my favorite quotes about how issues from the past bring themselves to one's attention.

[Rhiannonsmoon]