[redfern]

I recently posted a profile on a dating site. I chose to mention up front that I had a disability. I also said that because of this I was concerned about being vunerable and would want to run a background check before I met anyone face to face. Every match that I has said this to has gotten upset.I tried to explain that this is not a personal thing but it didn't seem to help. The guys that I have contacted all think I'm paranoid. So does a male friend I've known for sometime. I wanted to get an impartial opinion

[kimmydawn]

i think you're being smart and anyone who can't deal with that shouldn't be dealt with by you. someone who is on the up and up will be ok with it. to me, it sounds like you're weeding out alot of the bad seeds. gl!

welcome to PC.

[redfern]

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I don't think these are bad guys necessarily, and I can understand that they might feel insulted ( I might in their place) but I thought they might understand that I was being prudent not paranoid

I can't resist but tell of a recent experience. A friend of mine is doing a sociology paper on online dating. she's using my computer so we signed in and chatted in a normal wellknown chat room. This guy started talking to us, and I admit he was a charmer/gentleman and so on. so after he left the chat room we asked others in the room if they knew him. we were told where to find his profile and picture on another website. So we logged in to this different kind of website and then typed in the handle we were given and his profile came up... The guy in the picture was none other than another one of my friends husband. His profile said he was not married and no children. This friend and the husband had separated when she found out he was on this type of website but were back together after he swore he would never be associated with porn sites again. I knew this friend would want to know so we called her and she came over and we showed her what we found. Her reaction - Who wants to play hook line and sucker. Yup we did. we activated an email and got the guy going for a couple weeks then suddenly we got over our shyness and set a meeting date and place. Only when he got to the restraunt to meet "Rebecca Amos" he met the three of us (me, the fried doing the paper and the friend he was married to. We had the waitress seat us in a very busy section so that he wouldn't see us until he was at the table. He sat down very red and very confused. with no talking we handed him the emails for the past two weeks and his responses and his profile and picture. His wife said "I told you one of these days the person you would end up talking to could be your real life friends, relatives, boss, co workers or even our children spending the night at a friends for a slumber party and they decide to mess around on the computer. You said it could not happen but it did just by so and so doing a term paper about online dating and porn. I wonder how many people saw your picture and recognized you?" and she wasn't quiet about saying it. The man couldn't get us out of the restraunt and into his car fast enough and he has not gone anywhere near their home computer since and everytime he goes grocery chopping and so on he does so with great embarrassment.

Please be careful when using on line dating.

there is NO guarentee the person is who they say they are. It is ssooo easy to create a bogus email account under a bogus name and so on. besides possibly being friends relatives and so on the person on the other side could be a criminal of some kind. I for one am glad you are checking out you prospective dates. I wouldn't tell them you are checking them out. While doing our research we got more factual information when they didn't know what we were doing with the information.

[h0kie]

I agree with myself. I wouldn't say you're checking them out, but it wouldn't hurt to do it anyway. If something doesn't check out, then you never have to speak to them again. What they don't know won't hurt them.

Just to add another side to myself's story, I met my husband online. Not through a dating site, but in a chat room. It worked out well for me. I've been one of the lucky ones.

check them out. if they get upset, then they probably have something to hide.

i was working in a shop and a man, from the television station came in to sell advertising. after he left, the owner told me to go to m.com and type in our zipcode and his profile would come up.....sure enough, it popped up!! we all stood there and read his "story"....in real life, he's married and has 8 children!!! oh, yes, he didn't even use his own photo. he used a very handsome one and the man in the pic was about 20 years younger than our salesman. now, remember this site is supposed to be extremely reputable....

[weather]

Nice to meet you. I think a background check is a wise request also, especially if you don't mind their doing a background check on you. I too have heard of marriages begun on line.

A cautionary tale is a former highschool classmate who chatted in college. Without realising it, she must have revealed too much information. One day, there was a knock on her dorm room door, and the young man standing there was from a thousand miles away. That he would track her down was a shock. He was harmless and just
wanted to meet her in person,, but it could have been much worse.

[seeker1950]

Hello, Redfern, and welcome!
I think a background check is perfectly reasonable, and telling someone who has nothing to hide should not offend them. It is not "paranoid," it's SMART!!! Also, a strong man of integrity and good character would not be offended at your stating this upfront!
I no longer meet men on the internet sites, and have only done background check on one, several years ago. Background checks can reveal glaring discrepancies, but cannot reveal that someone is just a user or a loser in most cases. THAT is found out the hard way, and, unfortunately, I am speaking from experience.
I think your announcing the intention of a background check at the start is a good thing. You are "weeding out" the potential bad ones! You go, girl!!!
Seeker

[maverick]

It's amazing the amount of energy one can put into someone they don't know, to the neglect of a spouse. Addiction is powerful, and that was a powerful "intervention"!

[(JD)]

"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get me!"

[Ramses]

This is directed towards redfern, not _Sky, sorry I am rather new at posting here:

I don't know about US, but in Denmark I have a profile on a dating site for mentally ill people! That way you don't have to hide anything for people who don't understand you and you meet people "in the same boat" as you. There might be similar dating sites in US?

Regards, Ramses

[seeker1950]

Ramses, ALL the ones I've met online have been "mentally ill" to one degree or another, LOL!
Seeker

[eskielover]

I think there are some online sites that are just fine. My equine vet found his new wife over a christian dating site. They are both older like me (50's). I met both of them when shopping just after they got married......she is wonderful & even has her PhD in psychology.....go figure. They are a wonderful couple & he finally has someone that is great for him.....long time in coming for him too.

My daughter even met her boyfriend on line.....they were communicating for quite a while....then she moved back to Colorado & got to know him better. Then they lived together for awhile.....then they bought a home. They seem to be getting along quite well considering the fighting she grew up with us.

I agree with you in that it is good to be up frount with some things about yourself.....however there are some things that shouldn't be discussed until you find someone that is interested......then work slowly into the information you have about yourself. I know I opened up in a totally different situation & it almost came back to bite me. That situation had the police involved & it was a theft situation that they knew too much about me & took it to the police to hold against me.....that is why I have learned to be very closed with information about myself.

The vet I talked about above was asking me about finding someone else after the divorce.....told him that I need much self time & don't want to get involved for quite a while if ever. He said that was a great idea since most of the people he knows were looking to find someone immediataly after the divorce.

Sky.....I love your quote....I too am sure they are out to get me at times too and right now I feel that way.

I just need to be free for quite a while but hope your search for dating will be successful.....just be careful & be cautious.

Debbie