[hartbroken]

I have bipolar schizoaffective. Dealing with it on a day to day basis is difficult. Some events cause me to get excited about it, almost too excited, and then the down part causes me to doubt whether it was something good to be a part of or not.

After 37 years of being single, I finally met the most precious girl in my life. She genuinely liked me. She kept saying "I'll keep rooting for you!" as in who she wanted to marry. It was a good relationship.

But one day she told me she wanted to marry, and that she couldn't wait too much longer, she really wanted to marry me. She wanted to get married right away, but settled for a few years down the road to clean up our debts.

I started out really wanting to get married too, and I told her. We started making loose plans concerning the wedding, and I suppose my manic mode stepped in a bit, because there was this underlying feeling of not wanting to marry, but the mania was so wonderful that I led her on in a sense. When the mania lifted, and depression set in, we talked about how I was feeling about marriage. I told her I had an anxious feeling in me that didn't know if I could ever make such a big commitment. She said she wanted to be loved for real, not out of obligation.. and I completely want that for her. But she said she wanted a definite answer, not some answer that could be swayed by bipolar inconsistencies.

But she truly loved me, and I loved her. I had to go with my gut feeling, though, and finally I decided not to marry her because my illness keeps me from making sound coherent choices.

Now I feel terrible, all I can think about is her, and that I may have made a big mistake.

Learning to cope relationally with this bipolar is a learning process. I hope I see her sometime in the future. I still love her very much.

[hartbroken]

This disease has robbed so much from me.. It's robbed my health & sanity, my job, my money, and now my girl. Does anybody relate?

[disguise123]

hmmm i have yet to get a relationship beyond the four year mark (fingers crossed for this time 1.5 years and counting)
I think maybe u could use a little help from a good T or counselling service? Sounds like ur really unsure in making big life decisions and maybe your confidence has taken a battering?

[LookingforCalm]

I'm so sorry. I actually dated a man who had bipolar disorder, but he did nothing to help himself - counseling or otherwise - and it was very frustrating.

It's ok to have doubts about the future, and feeling the pressure to get married when you don't know if you're really ready is a huge decision for anyone.

The best thing I think you can do now is try to help yourself. Understand your illness, and encourage her to try to understand too. Go to counseling, perhaps go together. Maybe that would help.

In the meantime, I really think you should focus on your well-being before you take the step of looking out for the well-being of others. If she really loves you, then she'll understand this.