[HollyBerry88]

Hi there,
I'm having problems in my relationship and I was hoping someone could help me. I know that many people have much worse issues than I do, and need more help than me, but I don't know where else to turn to.
I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half now, and since in beginning, everything has been wonderful. He's smart, sensitive, responsible, caring... of course he has his flaws, but don't we all?
Because of the circumstances, we spent a lot of time together and grew close quite quickly, which I think is fine. And of course, with getting to know someone, you get to learn about their qualities as well as their quirks.
I started seeing a side of my bf that I don't like. He gets very angry about the most insignificant things. For example, when his mother asks him to do something that he doesn't want to do (he's 23 but still lives at home), or if something on his computer doesn't work how it should. Even if it's his own fault, like forgetting something at home when he goes to a meeting. Sometimes he'll take his anger out on me, but usually only when he's angry with me (we all have arguments with our significant others once in a while... that's not the problem). What really worries/frustrates me is how angry he gets, about such small things. He'll bang things around, throw something at the cat, or even make a hole in the wall. And afterwards, he acts as if it's no big deal and he's all happy again. He never verbally or physically abuses me, but it scares me because I'm starting to wonder what he'll be like in the future. I feel very sad because I really love my boyfriend and I know he loves me more than anything. But he won't accept the fact that he has anger issues (or does he?) and won't get help.
Please give me some advice on what to do. If you're going to say "break up with him", please don't bother replying to my post. I'd like some good advice on what I can do to help/fix this relationship. Or is this a common thing among men?
Thank you.

[Leed]

Sweetie, he DOES have anger issues and he DOES need help. Just because he hasn't hit you doesn't mean he won't. I lived for 26 years with a man that started out JUST like that! And it didn't end good. He DID hit me - and I never thought he would either.

Anyone who throws things, makes holes in walls, throws things at an animal, loses their temper over ridiculous little things, definitely needs help. And if you think he will never hit you, you'd better think again. Pretty soon, throwing things at walls won't be enough -- he will need to hurt a person -- and YOU will be handy. This guy is dangerous. What if you had a child by this man and the child cried too much -- do you think this guy would NOT SHAKE the baby???? If you don't think he would, then you're not seeing him clearly. He is a volcano ready to blow. If he refuses to get help, you need to find someone else -- cause the only future you've got with him is PAIN. I say this from experience. I wish you the best of luck. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[HollyBerry88]

I just don't know what to do, I can't imagine leaving him! I'm not strong enough for that! He doesn't have these fits all the time, are you sure there isn't any way I can help him, before it becomes a more serious problem?

[salukigirl]

Your bf sounds a lot like mine. Sometimes he will respond real laid back to big things but flip out over tiny things!

First off - if you are strong enough to deal with anger like that, you are strong enough to leave.

Does he open up to you? I know with my bf it's quite complicated. Since freshman yr of high school, when he transferred schools, he has hid himself from everyone. He went to a school with a bunch of cliques not knowing anyone and so, he thoughts he shouldn't show his real self so people didn't dislike him. That was over a decade ago and it has become so ingrained in him that he doesn't talk about anything. He has cried in years. He won't tell anyone if he has a problem with something bc he doesn't want to make people upset. So then he bottles up everything and then blows up about something stupid.

We finally went to couples counseling and the T asked my what kind of things he says when he's angry. I said he will call me names like ***** or two faced or crybaby. She said "it sounds like you say those things to her because you are too afraid to say them to yourself." and that hit the nail on the head.

He has become so used to hiding his feelings that he doesn't like who he is. Sounds like your bf is going through the same thing. I could definitely see where living at home at 23 could make you angry with your situation. Maybe he isn't where he thought he would be at 23?

That also is def true with mine bc at 28 he thought he would be married with kids and a good career. Instead, we are still dating, no kids and he is still working on his thesis working retail.

Have you tried just getting him to open up? Keep in mind it has taken over 2 years for me to get my bf to realize that he does this. He says it's like he doesn't even know who he is when he says those things. It's like he turns into a different person. And if your bf can't open up and find the driving force behind this anger - there is NO hope.

I hate to say it but you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. He has to see this side of him and not like it or else it WILL NEVER change. Do not set yourself up for a lifetime of fighting and constant anger. If he thinks it isn't an issue then get out. If you truly believe that he understands how this is affecting him and WANTS to change....then by all means...stick it out.

In the end it's what YOU need. I have threatened to leave so many god damn times but I just can't. I know that deep down he doesn't like this part of himself and really does want to change for himself. So it's just those times of slipping up. The T told us to take 15 mins a day where we just vent to each other. No trying to fix the other person's problem or anything....just genuine listening. And it really does help. Since then I have learned so much about him that I never knew! Over 2 years and I'm learning things that have been there all along!

But he has to WANT to do this for himself. If not, then I hate to say it, but get out while you can. He is already showing violent tendencies and, if it doesn't stop now, it will only get worse.

I'm here for PM if you ever need anything!

[HollyBerry88]

Wow salukigirl, that was really interesting and helpful for me. I can't say my bf is exactly the same, but it was still great to hear about your situation and how you've dealt with it. The fact that you both tried hard to make it work really inspires me.
Yes, my bf is really laid back about most things, but it seems like the little things get him really angry. He is pretty open with me, but not about everything, which is hard for me because I'm the type of person who likes to talk through things, discuss issues, reasons why... I have definitely tried to get him to open up, and I've succeeded on some levels, but not all. He has a hard time talking about our relationship: good aspects or bad aspects (other than saying he loves me lol) or about his anger issues. Feelings in general are difficult for him to express properly. But I can't figure out if it's because he's bottling it up or if he really just doesn't have anything to say about these particular things.
To be honest, I think he's quite happy with where he is. His parents are letting him live at home until he pays off his student loans from university, which he's gladly accepted. I'm always there for him, and I'll bet I can be high maintenance sometimes, but I've always been kind and supportive of him. He has a good job, isn't desperate for money, is healthy and has goals/plans for himself. Which is why I'm really puzzled over why he just blows his top sometimes.
One thing I realized is that I try to talk to him about his anger AFTER he's just gotten angry, which is probably not the best idea.
Anyways, I'm running out of things to say for now, thank you for your advice, I will take it into consideration