[Toller]

Hi,

I'm not happy with my girlfriends tone and attitude. She is ultra-critical of anything and criticises me or is condescending on a daily basis. Almost as soon as I set foot into her house she starts on me. The slightest little thing can set her off and she exaggerates everything by turning molehills into mountains. A long while ago I told her she was very selfish and only thought of herself and now she brings up things in which she states that I am selfish and that she put everyone else first. Recently I have been staying over at my mums house approximately once a week and I go see my friend once a week which I really need to do because it gets me out of the house away from her and the constant criticism and moaning. There is nothing I can do or say to stop her being like this, even when I try to help she criticises me like I don't wash the dishes properly i.e. use too much water or washing up liquid or when I change our 8 month old sons diaper I take too long and also that I have spoilt him and he takes these "temper tantrums" which I have caused??? Despite he is with her most of the time, he is hardly out of her sight and I haven't really witnessed these "temper tantrums" all that much and he only cries when she leaves the room and he can't see her. He never does that with me. Anyway, yesterday she asked me if I was going to make this a regular thing about being away twice a week and I told her I didn't know because I really don't know the answer though I would like to get away twice or more a week. She told me categorically that I cannot. The reason she gave me (not that I asked for a reason) is that she can't get out to see her friends. I've never once told her she can't go to see her friends. I'm more than happy to babysit for her if she does, but she has never said a thing about going to see any of her friends and never made an attempt. They come to see her. And I have never gone mad anytime she goes to see her own mum. The way it seems is I am not allowed to go anywhere and I am expected to be with her 24/7. I would go mad if I had to be with her 24/7 and I really need to get a rest from her as it is constant bickering and she never gives up. She can pick up on the smallest thing then go on and on about it for days, weeks and months. I'm just sick and tired of it. She says we don't communicate, admittedly I don't talk to her much but then anything I say is turned around and used against me so it doesn't matter what I say and I don't want to give her more ammunition to use against me. I think that 2 people who live together do it through choice and being made to stay makes me feel like a prisoner and I can't be bothered putting up anymore with her attitude.

[lynn P.]

Hi,
I agree she does sounds controlling. How was she before the birth of your baby? Having a new baby can magnify any pre-existing problem because they're stressfull and lots of work, despite their cuteness lol. Have you told her you don't like the criticism when you help out? Maybe it would help if she gets a break and like you said, you can babysit. It's also important for you and her to have some alone time - get a family member/friend to babysit.

When you said you go to your friends and mothers twice a week - do you stay all night? It's important for couples to learn how to fight fairly and communicate well. Are either of her parents the critical type? Here's a fighting fairly link and it's important for you both to work on the tips together.

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-to-Fight-Fairly

[Leed]

She definitely is controlling. And I'd bet that she doesn't even realize she's doing it.

Can you get a hand-held recorder? Try tape=recording her during her rants. Then when you get a chance, play this for her - MAKE her listen to her tirades -- and i'll bet that she won't even believe that it is HER doing this. She will think that it is someone else. Make sure that you call her by name in the process of recording her cause otherwise she won't believe it IS her. I guarantee you that she doesn't realize she's going this. It has just become habit to her -- it's like getting up in the morning. It's something she just does everyday.

If she hears this, chances are she will try very hard to control her temper. One thing, you have to point out that her son is going to be just LIKE her if she keeps this up. Do the both of you want your son to be a violent person? children learn what they live. I know he's just a baby now, but he's learning. Stop this nonsense now. if you have to move out, then do it. But this baby is the no#1 concern. I wish you the best of luck. God bless. Hugs, Lee