[Vik12]

I seperated from my husband back in August. The marriage was not good- he is an alcoholic with anger issues (to sum it up...). I have been with him for 10.5 years- married 3.5 years. We do not have any children. He is in the Army and will be leaving for 1-2 years in a few months (he has already been away for 9+ months since we got married). He is also in law enforcement. I work from 7am-3 pm every day. He leaves for work around 1pm and doesn't get home until 1am (if he doesn't go out drinking- then he gets home anywhere from 4am to 7am).

Needless to say- I have been very lonely for the past several years. He has cheated on me 3 times in our relationship. Once (for 6 months) before we got married, and twice since then (he claims that the two women in his phone meant nothing- and that their txt messages were just them taking things the wrong way).

Anyway, my issue is that I have since found a man that I fell totally in love with in September. For two months, everything was amazing, but then I starting having fears about the reality of leaving my husband and the logistics of ending my marriage. Ever since those fears crept in, I am having a hard time feeling anything besides guilt, anger, fear, and resentment. When it comes to feeling love- I feel nothing.

While I know my marriage sounds horrible, there have definitely been some good times, and for some reason that is all my mind focuses on. I have pushed my new man away, and am afraid to go back to my husband.

I just want to know: How can I let go? And is it normal to struggle to feel love? I feel numb.....

Am I depressed?

Thank you for your help

[Leed]

Hi ~ I would say defiinitely you're depressed, but you're also filled with guilt. Depression does make us feel numb to our emotions ~ it's a horrible feeling not to be able to feel joy, happiness, love, even hate, --- in your case I DO think you're able to feel GUILT. I might be wrong, but I think you're feeling guilty about your relationship with the other man and your wanting to leave your husband for him.

If your husband is abusive, whether it's verbally, emotionally, or physically, you either need to get counseling (both of you) or you need to get out. An abuser rarely STOPS abusing -- perhaps if he went to anger management it would help. It all depends on how much work you want to put into this marriage, or if you've already had enough.

The ball is in your court. It's up to you. I wish you the very best in whatever you decide to do. Take care. Hugs, Lee

[AliceRain]

Hello Vik12,

First of all, let me introduce myself as the daughter of someone who may have been just like you. My dad was a cop, and he was incredibly psychologically abusive. My mom made him leave pretty early on and got a divorce. Well, that was about eight years ago. Since then, I've been dealing with a custody battle . . . well, to be brief, you are SO lucky you do not have kids with this guy.

I suggest you get away from him as soon as possible. It's probably going to be tough - he's in the Army and law enforcement which means most people are going to be on his side. But the only way for you to actually have a life is to be with this other man that you like (I hope I'm not being to blunt here).

It seems like you might be still in love with the guy you fell for, not the alcoholic he is now. You do need to grieve, or you won't be able to move on. And anger, fear, and resentment are totally normal, as far as I'm concerned.

Even though I wasn't the one with my dad, I had (and still kind of have) issues with connecting with other people. I'm still scared that they'll turn into a monster like my dad did. But I think that's just something I, and you, have to work through.

I wish you luck, and please let me know if you need to talk about anything else.

[babydoll233]

your husband cheated on you before you got married and 3 times that you know about, you never should have married him.... sorry to be mean, but you need to walk away and enjoy the person you met and are in love with... i have been where you are and i left it all behind, 14 years of a loveless marriage and now i am with the man of my dreams, who treats me like a princess and wouldnt dream of cheating on me...move on, take the chance and see how happy you can be... put yourself first for once and be happy!!!!!! pm me and let me know how you are....take care

[SakuraLi]

hi definately understand about your question "how do you let go?" its never going to be easy but its something u need to peel ur self away from so u can have a life where u feel good. since an alcohol problem and cheating are a factor u can leave with good conscience knowing u did the right thing by leaving. since you say u feel no love and ur numb u should leave now before u continue to talk urself into staying. also think are u able to support yourself? will ur husband flip out and hurt u if u serve him with divorce papers? do u have a strong support team that can help u cope these r important things to consider. most women even without kids cant just up and leave when they r married just because they would have nowhere 2 stay. before u leave get your housing, and support all lined up maybe even a second job to replace ur husbands income that was benefiting u. also is counciling possible? even if u have to go alone u should they can help u mentally prepare to leave. i hope this helps