Very Frustrated and Trapped.

As some of you may know I live in a very messed up marriage...if you can call it that. It's hard for me to admit this, but I'm emotionally abused - not constantly but in spurts. If I were to leave, this would mean we would live in poverty...hard on the kids. We had an argument this morning and awful things were said, that I don't even want to repeat.

I know when they're old enough to live independently, I'll leave for sure even if I have to live in poverty - then it won't matter. I always have great advice for other people but not for my own impossible situation. I feel awful.

oh Lynn <<<hugs>>>> I had no idea that you were in this type of situation. I know you are so strong and you have given us such great comfort and advice. I hope he is not violent and assuming he is insulting you. Does he respond in a positive way based on how you respond? For example, if you stick up for yourself does he back off or does it make him worse? Is there any way to predict his outbursts? <<hugs>>

(((Lynn))) Oh how I know you've been through some struggles. We've sat in the same boats, and used the same oars.

I'm not so sure that it really gets "better" after the kids leave. There will always be challenges, and from where I'm sitting the challenges continue to grow larger as I become weaker...the workouts more tiresome. Those Golden Years aren't exactly what they're cracked up to be - maybe it's just me. Maybe you can find a way to keep you and your family strong, without having to place the whole world on your shoulders...or pass it on to your children. You and your family have my heart and prayers - even in those Golden Years.

Thanks ChipmunkGal. Let me 1st say he and I are completely different communicators - he yells, swears, insults and I remain calm. If I'm the least bit assertive it makes him worse. He would prefer me to be a cowaring mouse. I don't yell or swear.He comes from an abusive home situation - his father used to beat his kids and wife. No he's not abusive physically but if I were to push anything beyond being respectfully assertive, I think he could be. He threatens me with poverty all the time. I've know him since I was 18 and too bad I was naive...didn't know to pay attention to the warning signs.

This is why I encourage young women like you to get out of your relationship before you have kids because it never gets better. We're room mates living in the same house. I don't know why he stays and I feel like a modern day prisoner. My only chance at freedom is if he dies before I do - sorry to sound so pessimistic. It's either live in poverty on welfare or live like this. Thank you for your concern ChipmunkGal.

Thank you KathyM. When the kids are finally grown up, I intend to leave even if I have to go on welfare. Most of the time I just go on with my life and taking care of my girls...luckily he's not home much...works late. I fantasize about winning the lottery and buying my own house and finally being away from him. I wish he would go and he knows it, but refuses to leave. I haven't cried in months but today I am.

It saddens me deeply that you are in this situation. I have no wise words or any way to fix it. I watch my Mother live something similiar. It is tragic that so many beautiful, caring woman end up in marriages like this.

(((((Lynn))))),

I understand your situation.....know how difficult it is to be living in an impossible situation without being able to do anything about it. I was there for so many years also & it was when the blowup's happened that constantly reinforced my knowledge that there was no way it was going to be a permanent situation & kept aware of when the move out could happen.

I allowed myself to stay in the marriage because I had my career to escape into for 25 years.....but after my career ended, my depression got so bad because I no longer had my identity, nor my escape from the marriage that I was never happy in from the beginning.

My bad reaction was constantly attempting to end my life for many years after that point......finally got out of that mode, but was constantly miserable. It wasn't until my Mother died & left me everything (I was the only child & my dad had died 15 years before). Because of the trauma I went through with my mother, I couldn't even get back into the house for almost a year to get in sold......but immediately took that money & moved 2200 miles away to were I didn't know anyone. Initially wasn't going to be the break it ended up being, but being away from him & getting my farm fixed up......gave me the final insight that I could take care of myself by myself (I had been so sick before that, had my doubts at times) & absense didn't make my heart grow stronger, but made my heart realize just how much I couldn't stand living with him & how much I couldn't trust him to not lie to me about everything & realized just how irresponsible he really was.

Know that part isn't the same as your situation......but I can definitely relate to that horrible trapped feeling thinking that having to continue living like that seems like it will never end. We go back into tolerance mode when things go back to non-confrontational mode, but as soon as a confrontation flairs up......wham....the realization & the knowledge that we are just tolerating our situation comes to the forefront once again.

The only hope I can give you is that it won't be this way forever & when the right time & situations come together for your financial freedom so you can get out hits, you will be right there, ready to go.

I am so sorry that these flair up's hit.....emotional abuse hurts in deep ways just as physical abuse. I know many women who have felt trapped & the anger builds up.....many of us have said....my goodness, sailors could learn their vocabulary from us when the blow up's happen. I know for me, it got to the point where it became constant by the end & I couldn't have taken much more by the time I was able to leave. Know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.......when God gave me my way out. These blow up's also help us know that we are not supposed to continue tolerating our situation & it's ok & right for us to leave when the out we need comes along.

It caused a lot of stress, but by the end, I kept thinking on ways I could leave & running ideas through my mind while trying to stay in the tolerance mode.....which was also why when triggered even a little, I would blow up & not care what I had to say. Think at times we need to vent because of all the stress we have building up with the tolerance we are trying to hold onto....not that we create the situation we use to vent, but we take advantage of situations that happen to vent when we get to that point. I found that the awful things I said were things I really felt & really meant even though they really could be said in a much more reasonable way......when we tolerating for so long & the steam needs to be blown off.....I know for me it was ok. Never wanted my daughter to be around when I blew, but many times when she was younger, she was there because I just couldn't hold anything back any longer. There is nothing wrong with having to vent at times......so don't feel bad.....your reactions are normal for the situation you are in. We can't have the self-control constantly to hold it in......when the steam builds up in a pressure cooker, it has no where to go other than to blow up......we are no different as humans especially when we are holding onto being civil & tolerant so much of the time.

Your way out will come to you & your girls.....keep up that hope & believe it.....but also don't beat yourself up about the blow up's that are normal when trying to tolerate bad situations until the right time arrives.

Sending you many &
along with my deep understanding of how you are feeling

I'm sorry you are dealing with such a terrible marriage My mother's marriage was terrible and my father was a very abusive and mentally ill alcoholic. My father eventually died and then we were freed of him. I wish you the best of luck. Try to stay strong!

Thank you Eskie for sharing your story and encouragement...thanks also to unico and thine.

When I say we argued - it wasn't me blowing up but he certainly did - I was just moderately assertive but calm. I think he has extreme psychological issues - I wonder is he's narcisistic and even think moderatley psychopathic.

It got worse 2 weeks ago when we had a snow storm. It was a SUnday and I went out to shovel the snow. Instead of shoveling the whole driveway and side walk he thinks it's fine to do 2 trenches for the tires of the car - I did that. Theres a public mailbox on the boulevard and I was being nice shoveling around that. My oldest came out and said you better come in because he's mad. I walk in to hear him ranting at the top of lungs upstairs (in his room), even before I was in the door about how stupid I am to risk my life shoveling around the mailbox - saying I could have a heart attack. I know he doesn't care about me speicifically, just worried about the kids being motherless. Most of his rant was while I was outside - totally pointless if I can't hear him. What bothered me was my kids heard him. He carried on like that, while I was outside. I told him I always do the mailbox and his rant is more likely to cause me a heart attack than me shovelling the snow.

Ever since that blow up, things have been bad. We have only one car, the other one needs $3000 repair we don't have. I had to drive him to work so I could have the car today and he was nasty the whole way. Things are bad financially and I haven't been able to get what I normally would for groceries, plus he stops to get them. That's adding to the strain too. When he's mad he loses all common sense and he's in a different world. My only comfort is one day Karma will catch up with him. Sadly it's a competition in my head...whos' going to out live the other.

It's a nice DREAM - but be careful with those Fantasies

Lynn...I am so sorry I giggled on the last line there.I'm actaully blushing because it seems just plain wrong to find humor here...but,my lord I like the way you think.I am so sorry that you are feeling this stress and disconnect there at home.I always feel pleased when I happen upon a posting of yours.I am very displeased to have found this one,as I find you to be a lovely spirit,and had no clue you had issues.I am sorry for those issues.I am able to comprehend your feelings and want to extend a cyber hug....and compassionate eyes ...should you desire to pm me and engage in a relieving rant.(slight LOL there)My heart goes out to you.Many here care very much for you Lynn.I know I do.....Wolf

Lynn....

Not going into details as this is not about me its about you.

Sometimes things turn up so the idea of living in poverty ? Who knows ? Personally I would leave and see what happens as you never know what is around the corner for you.

Children know more than you think they do they are so smart they pick up on things and are affected.

Hugs to you...

Thank you wolfsong - I aprreciate your kind post and no I don't mind you finding humor in that last line - it's morbidly funny lol. Even in the darkest moments, I like to think I still have my sense of humor. It really has come down to that though and I think I'll be the winner since I don't smoke or drink lol. I have the most stress, but I have the survival instincts to stick it out and control that affect of me.

True I don't reach out for support for myself and enjoy helping others - I more of a helper type. I do realize that everyone comes to the realization they have to reach out sometimes. I think the reason I understand the suffering of others is because I've had my fair share of pain. I know you're suffering too and thank you for taking the time to post.

I know you're right and I would tell another woman in my shoes the same thing. The kids do realize the odd living situation. The problem with leaving is - he would unleash his extreme hostility to me and this would really hurt the girls. So I'm in the spot of picking the best of the 2 worst situations - one is 'hell sometimes' and the other is unpredictable revenge/misery which might put a rift between him and the girls.

Lets say I won several million -I definately would move and hire a high priced lawyer. He has police officers and lawyers who are friends - he has a definate advantage over me. So I'm very scared to pick that option. I know you're right but I feel my hands are tied ATM.

I'm really glad that you aren't the one that blows up.....actually that will definitely let you outlive him I'm sure.......as I can confess, getting so angry that one actually "sees red" isn't a healthy state to get into. Good to let him be the one that blows up.....maybe one day soon his heart will blow up while he's blowing up & you will be free......very wise on your part. Venting one thing.....blowing up another (have to admit, I have experienced both as I don't have an easy going temperament & when buttons were pushed by my husband for 33 years of his crap)

Tis a shame that he is spending so much time at your home these days or did he sort of get snowed in there?

I had a friend in college that I was wise enough NOT to marry (ashame I didn't keep my wisdom going). He got married & first wife left him...walked out without anything (didn't surprise me as he was totally controlling). He ended up getting married again & they had a son. My friend had an anurism (sp?) burst in his brain when just after his son was born....lived through that & ended up dying of cancer a few months before my Mother died 6 years ago. I spent quite a bit of time with his wife after he died to provide her with support........she was so glad that he had died.....but was so afraid to say anything to others that didn't know him & understood exactly why she was feeling that way. It really helped her to be able to express that & have someone understand.

Sometimes it feels like the only way out is for them to 'kick the bucket'. Just make sure he's got a very good life insurance policy so you will be well taken care of.

Know that something will come up in your life that will give you the out you need for your peace.

Lynn I am soooo sorry you are dealing with this. Wishing you strength and perseverance (even though it seems like you have them).

(((((((((((Lynn)))))))))))))) I too am truly sorry that you are having to live in this awful situation. You deserve so much more than this Hoping very much for a timely resolution to this sad state of affairs that is positive for you and your girls

((((Lynn P))))
Feeling your pain....
Stay strong!

((((((((((((((( lynn )))))))))))))))))

I'm just popping in before I go to bed and I just wanted to thank everyone who responded to this thread. The old saying "you reap what you sow" is true here because I feel humbled by all this support and kindness. I love helping out here and never expect anything in return because it just makes me feel good - so it over whelming to get this support.

Eskie - Since I don't talk about this issue much, I know it must seem confusing. We still live in the same house but separate bedrooms. He's not here too much cause he works late but is here on Sunday, part of the day. He's not much of a home body...lucky for me.

((((((Lynn....You dish out the support...it'll catch ya smack dab off guard!HaHa))))))

((((((((((((lynn))))))))))))

I only saw this thread now, so please forgive my late reply. I am terribly sorry you are facing such a difficult time with your husband, and that he is being uncooperative, disrespectful, and downright mean. I hope you are able to find a means of resolving this untenable situation before your girls are grown, so the three of you may live the peaceful, harmonious lives you obviously deserve. Is there anyone in your family or among your friends on whom you could rely should you choose to leave?

I know you as a kind, intelligent, altruistic, caring, empathetic person, to say the least. If you display a fraction of these qualities in real life, where I'm sure you actually shine much brighter than here, your husband should be grateful and thrilled to have you. I am sorry for his myopia, and that you and your girls must suffer because of it, and so much more of his negativity, I'm sure.

My heart goes out to you, lynn--I am keeping you in my thoughts. Again, may you find a way out of this emotionally deleterious situation sooner than later. Sending you lots of extra courage, strength, resolve, and tenacity. Also sending tons of hugs and positive feelings and thoughts.

Thank you for your caring post ((Nola22)) - you really have a way with words. On my profile, it explains a little more about the initial problem which caused a rift. When it first happened I was more than fair and even offered him the house we live in, as long as I could get a smaller house. I gave him a year to figure it out and now it's gone on for yrs. He's just fine living this way, the way he pleases and doesn't care if I don't like it. He thinks I can ignore that part of our lives and be content with living the same lifestyle. I even promised I could remain civil and keep things normal between him and the kids.

This is the initial reason I came to PC - no one in my real life knows about this big secret - him taking another wife. I don't even think he sees her anymore because he's here every night. He would hate it if I told anyone because it would force him to answer to them and I would suffer the wrath. I only have my brother 4 provinces away and he's older and has a heart condition - it would worry him too much to know what's happening.

I really am a very fair person in real life but he's the most impossible, frustrating person. He cares the most about himself. If I force divorce on him, I fear what kind of revenge he would take. Before I came here I was so stressed from the pressure of keeping this a secret. I swear it's a story worthy of being on the Oprah show or a best selling book.

He doesn't want me, but doesn't want to give up control either. The biggest mistake was not finishing my university education, so I could support my children. I believed he would never hurt me. I was also warned by some friends before I got married, that he would end up hurting me and they were right. This is one case where my instincts were wrong. Thank you again Nola.

Dear lynn,

Please forgive me once more for not responding promptly--I wasn't online yesterday at all. Also, please know I say this in the utmost sincerity, concern, and friendship--your home life sounds almost unnavigable to me. My heart goes out to you and your girls. I am grateful you have found some solace here on PC, and in turn you provide such wonderful advice and perspective to so many folks here. I always appreciate your posts, and look forward to "running into you" here at the forums.

It's very sad your husband has taken the low road and whittled down what I'm sure was once a promising, fulfilling relationship for you both to a battle of wills and union in name only. Regardless of how much pain and misery I've personally witnessed, and how much more negativity I know exists in the world, I'm always shocked and appalled when I come across yet another human incapable of empathy and seemingly hell-bent on destroying everything in their wake with their own selfishness. I'm deeply sorry you've been subjected to such harrowing disregard and a total lack of appreciation by your husband. You don't need me to tell you that you certainly deserve none of it.

You mentioned having started a degree--is there any way you could go back to school now or in the near future? Most of your credits are probably viable, and you could attend part-time too. Your tuition may be subsidized as well, as a full-time mom finishing your education.

Thank you also for the sweet things you said about me in your post, lynn. Through everything with which you're dealing, you still have a few kind words for me. That's amazing, seriously.

I still hope there is another way by which you may find solutions to your situation beyond endurance, lynn. My heart still goes out to you, and you have my support and friendship whenever you may want or need it.

So sorry this is happening to you...I just want to say that I understand...I wish I had some great words of wisdom, like you always do...remember sometimes you have to take care of YOU!