[Rubbish]

I'm not expecting people to be too kind to me on here, it's understandable.

I've been in an on in off relationship with someone for 3 years. We didn't really start off dating in the regular sense (friends with benefits) but he had gotten really close to me earlier on and it took me longer to be the same way. He was the first person I ever had an interest to be close to, before him I wouldn't have even humored the idea of being in a relationship. We agreed to make it more casual because we didn't believe our lives would really mesh. However, back when we were first started this I was taken advantage of when I was near pass out drunk. I'm wasn't the type to let myself drink like that, I was staying at a family members house and she kept insisting on me drinking. I didn't believe I would have to worry because it was family, but when most of her friends left one stayed until everyone else was gone. This isn't the main part of my reason for coming here however, what happened torn me apart. I wanted to talk about it but to friends but I made light of it. Back then (and somewhat now) I was an extremely secretive person and I was too ashamed for letting that happen, I'm not calling rape because I was semi conscious but I know it wouldn't have happened if I had been sober, or even less inebriated.

Back to main story, I told him what happened and it effected him immensely. Looking back I know it was a mistake to fight for him so much during that time. I understand why he was so hateful and I never got mad at him for that during this time. I hated myself as well, we semi started dating again but we broke up over an extremely petty argument.

Afterwards I met my rebound, this person was a miserable excuse of a man, there's no need for details here except I wanted this relationship to prove to myself that I wasn't the monster my ex convinced me I was. It was nearly a year before my ex messaged me again, telling me how much he loved me and missed me and I couldn't help but feel the same. About a month before I broke up with my rebound I started seeing my ex again.

This is where I want to ask, what is wrong with me? After we started dating again (and feelings were more serious for both of us) I became extremely resentful of him for how he treated me. I took every flaw he had as a reason to try not to get attached. I think I've always been an compulsive liar but this has brought it out the worse and I purposefully seek attention from other guys. We've had are fair share of fights about it and it became more of an addiction to me than anything. Looking back I don't really know how I got here. I've lost nearly all of my friends, I can't go into work without people thinking that I'm "easy". It's a persona I've adopted and for the for the most part I'm completely oblivious I'm doing it. Since we got back together I never physically cheated on him but he believes I've had emotional affairs.

After nearly two years of fighting, and him trying to help me I'm still at a loss. I know I seek attention, it's almost like I'm the person I used to be. I don't know if he has absolutely no tolerance of me making friends with a male or if I'm inadvertently flirting to get attention. I know I fed off of my ex's negative energy as much as the positive things.

Coming to more present time, I don't know why I have become who I am. We ended up getting extremely close, I wanted a life with this man. But there was that other side of me that seeks attention, that would much rather make an elaborate lie than a simple truth. I've always been bad about the lying to friends and family and being extremely secretive. But it has completely spun out of control. I never used to be the type of person who made much of an effort to socialize except with a few close friends. I've become needy, vindictive, and callus, I feel like reverted back to being a toddler in ways. Because of what I am I've dug myself into a hole. Quite honestly I feel my family would be better off with me, and so many people would be happier never meeting me.

I know seeing a psychiatrist would probably be the best for me but I couldn't afford that right now. Is there any other way I can start getting my life back?

[Travelinglady]

Hello, Rubbish, and welcome to Psych Central! First of all, I certainly don't see you as "rubbish," for goodness sake.

I can't say I have much of an idea of what is going on with you either. However, I am thinking that your rape (yes, it was rape) is affecting you. I could see how on some level you might see it as your fault and are sort of acting out that.

I am having a hard time with the idea of your going back to the guy who did it to you. And, as you say, you rebounded into a bad relationship. I think your self-esteem might have been affected.

Mind you, I am not a mental-health professional. I don't see that you need a psychiatrist at this point, but I do think you could really benefit by being able to talk to a therapist. If you can't afford one, then check to see about going to a clinic where the fees are lower.

Let's see what other folks have to say.