will he really leave me?

I think my husband is about to divorce me after 20 years. He said so. He said he is tired of me not standing up for myself, not acting like an adult, not making decisions because I don't want to deal with the consequences. He says he has my back but I don't want to listen. I'd rather drag out situations than deal with them. I often feel his solutions are to aggressive for me.

He says I checked out of the relationship a long time ago and he's at the point where he's not waiting anymore.

I feel so numb. I don't know what to do. I never know what to do...that's part of the problem.

We fight....and I clam up. He asks me questions...what I'm not telling him, why am i lying or hiding about how i feel. I say i don't know. I really don't. Or I think I don't.

I know I have a problem. Thats why I have a therapist.

He and I are very different. He doesn't mind confrontation - I abhor it. He doesn't care what others think - I do. I worry incessantly over how people might react, or if I hurt feelings or say something someone doesn't like. What if someone gets made and me and doesn't like me anymore. It's exhausting.

I love him....and I'm about to lose him.

I think there is more going on with your husband than what he is saying. What would I do? I would stay in therapy and learn about myself and figure out who you are, etc......Sadly, we cannot make anyone stay. We all have issues, and I am sure he does too. Is he willing to go to therapy?

Life is never easy. Not everyone is going to like or agree with us....we need to learn who WE are before we can have relationships. As i said I would stay in therapy and learn abut yourself, and why you react and think the way you do. Yes, it is "exhausting" to live in a world which can be unkind and sometimes cruel.

Do you feel the therapist is helping you sort things out?

You are in my thoughts, lachrymose.

I agree with 1st responder.No man leaves a woman because she is not not as forward as he.This is a common difference between men and woman.

[He says I checked out of the relationship a long time ago and he's at the point where he's not waiting anymore.]

The above quote may be moreso a factor.But,you failed to share...he is ..."waiting" for what?

I think alot has not been said here.There are other things causing this problem.

I was JUST LIKE YOU the whole time I was married to my first husband. Then I went into therapy ~ and my therapist showed me how I could get my Power back. I had always hated confrontation and I kept the peace AT ALL COSTS. Trouble is, it robbed me of my dignity, my integrity, and my self esteem. Then I learned how to stand up for myself!!! Well, guess what happened??? My husband HATED that. Previously, he said the same things that YOUR husband is saying ~ but once I got my "power' back, he didn't LIKE it, because I had an opinion ~ I said NO to things ~ I made decisions!!! At times, I made HIM back down. Boy he didn't like the new me at ALL. But *i* sure did. LOL

He had brow beaten me for 26 years ~ he had emotionally abused me for that long too. In the end, we divorced -- I asked for the divorce. I KNEW I had a better life ahead of me, and I was right. Seven years later, I married the best guy in the whole world ~ a man who respected and honored me.

So I agree that there IS something more to this than what your husband is saying. I don't believe his reasons. Stay in therapy and find YOU just as I did. You DESERVE more than this. It is out there waiting for you. God bless you. Hugs, Lee

thank you all...

i've talked to my therapist at length about our relationship. it's been one of the major topics over the past two years.

she says he is emotionally abusive, but I'm still not sure. Part of the time understand where he's coming from. Not all the time though. he's just very intense sometimes...and I'm not.

perhaps we can work it out. i hope so. i cannot imagine how to manage in the short term. his mother (whom I get along with fabulously) lives with us. I cant see him moving out and me staying with her. i've not worked in 7 years, but getting a job would be easy enough. we have money in the bank and no children.

i want to close my eyes so tight and make it all go away.

I'm very sorry that you're going through this and I'm glad that you're in therapy that allows you to understand what you're going through.

No one has mentioned this yet, which surprises me, but have the two of you considered going to couples therapy? A couples therapist might be able to help you communicate with each other. If your husband is abusive, I believe the couples therapist will see that and be able to help you with that as well.

Good luck! Try to forget about everyone else once and awhile and really take care of yourself.

(((Lachrymose))). It must be very painful.

We had a long talk last night. Didn't solve everything, but it was good. He's not really interested in going to couples or marriage therapy. He thinks I just need to grow up and act like an adult. Sure, from his perspective sounds like a good plan, huh? He's the type that really sees the world from his world view sometimes.

But things are better today, so that's a good thing.

thanks everyone!

Had a great visit with my therapist today. She talked thru some stuff with me and gave me some ideas on how to communicate better. And on how not to clam up - which I do sometimes.

she thinks it would be good to see both of us, so I'm gonna ask again. perhaps i should insist!

I like that spirit!

So, he pretty much told you that YOU had the issues, and thus couples therapy wasn't necessary.

Nice.

Looks like he doesn't really care about the relationship and is placing all the blame on your lap.

That may be a common difference, but you seem to be suggesting that all men are one way and all women are another, which is simply not true.

Good to hear that therapy is helping. If what he's claiming is the truth, then insisting, rather than asking, could be a good idea. If that doesn't at least encourage him to give it a shot once, then it would cast serious doubts on his motives.

[That may be a common difference, but you seem to be suggesting that all men are one way and all women are another, which is simply not true.]

Yes,as a woman....I am not insinuating that,but am stating a belief of mine.

Perhaps you might share your different personal experience with us?...In 43 years of living...I have never heard of such a thing.

Looking forward to your reply......


*Thought it pertinent to add,that this reason all by itself...seems implausible.In other words...if this is the heart of their issue...I would be very surprised.It is my stance that there simply has to be more difference and/or lack of "what'd keep this guy with a girl".....I doubt that without my adding this bit,one might have understood my opinion in its context properly.

We've had several long talks. He's just so frustrated that he can't 'fix it'. I understand now where he's at - he just wants to make it better for me and can't.

We still have stuff to work out, but he assures me after 20 years he's not going anywhere.

thanks for the advice and support...

yes yes yes !!!!!