Having to work with an EX friend :( (long)

So, I am having a really hard time dealing with a relationship issue with someone who used to be my friend, and is still someone I work with. This is kind of pretty long.. thanks for reading.

It’s just that this is really hard for me to deal with because I trusted this girl when I was going through a really, really rough time. She knew me when I went through a phase where I was cutting, dissociative, freaking out and crying all the time. No one in my life knew that things were bad at all except for my closest friends. At work I was able to hold it together but I thought she was someone I could trust to support me. She was a great friend to me during this time. She said she understood all my craziness, she told me I was her best friend, she told me she loved me. I mean, we had this conversation again and again – she swore she would never judge me for my psychological struggles. I don’t EVER let people in, but I trusted her with the things I don’t tell ANYone.

I have to say that at the time, this went both ways. She was having a hard time too, she was depressed/alcoholic/not taking care of herself, and I was a shoulder to cry on for her, too. It’s not like things weren’t mutual. But maybe I was a little less able to contain my emotions than she was, maybe I felt a little more desperate. I don’t know.

Then I acted weird at this party of hers. I was going through another rough patch, and I was not able to cope with my anxiety at this party, so I guess I acted really weird and hid in the closet in her apartment. I KNOW I know. But everyone was drunk so I thought it would be fine, I would just say I was wasted. Unfortunately, everyone at the party was worried about me because I was acting weird. I said I was wasted but still I think people felt uncomfortable. Since then she has been really distant from me and kept saying she was really busy and didn’t have time to hang out, but I know from Facebook that she is spending time with other people and going out, and these were events I used to get invited to, but I don’t get invited anymore. But I apologized for how I acted at her party, and she said it was fine but now she is not spending any time with me at all when we used to spend 2-3 nights a week hanging out.

Now I found out she blocked me from a bunch of features on her Facebook. I can’t see her photos at all anymore, for example. Like, photos of parties I WENT to. I sent her an email after I saw that she had blocked me from these things (last week) stating that I saw the Facebook block and I understood why she didn’t want to be my friend, that I was just full of negativity and being her friend made it so I put so much of that on her. I was just apologizing for my negative attitude. I told her not to reassure me, I just wanted to tell her this and apologize. But I did expect a response of some kind from her, just acknowledging that she got it at least. She has not responded (and I know she has checked her email because I see her when she comes online). All I get is silence from her. It has been a week since I sent the email.

The thing is, we work together occasionally. Today she was at my workplace and we both avoided each other completely. Even this was super rough for me – I’ve cried a couple of times at work today and can’t concentrate. But starting in May we will work together 2-3 days a week, and I will be relying on her to complete tasks for a project I’m managing. She will need to rely on me, too, to ask questions and things. People at work, like my boss, think we are friends. We still have to communicate professionally. Right now I am avoiding her completely when she is here, but I can’t avoid her once May comes around.

I mean, I get why people might not like having friends like me. But this is a REALLY bad situation for me. I struggle with friendship in general because I struggle with abandonment fears and a sense of desperation in relationships. Now I have to work with her, a friend who has coldly rejected me without a clear explanation, with me only guessing it must have something to do with my issues. I would rather hear it from her, though, rather than sitting here beating myself up and struggling with the shame of my memories of feeling close to her.

How do I move forward now? Do I email her again? How do I work with her now? What do I do so I am not freaking out at work when she is there?

I feel like the way this is supposed to go is that she responds to my email or seeks to resolve things with ME. Not the other way around. I mean, the ball is in her court. But at the same time leaving this wound open just isn’t working. What should I do?

I feel sorry for you. U'r going through a rough patch. Is it possible for you to talk to her in person?

I would try to relax until May. Go about your life, maybe even delete her from Facebook so you are not constantly reminded of the situation. Try to be calm/professional in May and see if that won't get at least the same response from her, which will be fine for work.

"Chasing after" her and trying to get a response out of her might be making her more uncomfortable, it's no longer a give-and-take relationship, no longer the relationship you had, no matter what you do, and it may look to her that you don't get that and the harder you chase, the harder she will run. So, stop in your tracks and accept that you have done all you can for now, the ball is in her court and she gets to do what she wants with it (throw it back or keep it). Maybe with your being close at work in May, the relationship will begin again/resume, but let her make the first move, it's her move.

It's ok. I would just unfriend her. I had a friend like this (a best friend/ mutual cry buddy) and after a lot of anguish and mixed signals, I unfriended her, and then she was like "what's up," and then we became friends again, and then she unfriended me, and I was like "hey now" and after going through the cycle a couple of times I realized it wasn't meant to be, and was literally nothing personal. I know that it's hard to believe when people say it isn't personal, but some kind of thing is going on within this person. You can't guess what it is, it's not your fault, and it sucks, but it's really not about you. The sooner you can get back a sense of personal control over this situation, the better it's going to feel, especially if you work together. I'm sorry about it. Friendships between people who are drawn together by "issues" seem to be like this, very supportive when they work out, then when they stop working, it is almost impossible to put them back together.

Hi Jexa, sorry it's taken me so long to come up with a reply.

I think you need to stop trying so hard to fix the relationship. See if you could let her have her reactions while you have yours. Especially, see if you can defuse whatever is going on from the opinion you have of yourself.
Your best bet would be, not to prevent her from "abandoning" you if that's what she's inclined to do, but to learn to tolerate what feels like impending abandonment and -- stop taking it as abandonment.
Nuh-uh. Cut it out. There's no such thing as "people", first of all. Any given person is going to like you more at some times and less at others, and that's going to have more to do with them than with you. If you can just let that happen, sort of the way you just let it rain when it's raining, you'll have a much easier time with it than if you try to fight it as you're doing here. There's no such thing as "friends like you," either. You did some stuff at a party that you're now having second thoughts about. There's no way that any two people who were there could possibly have had exactly the same reaction to whatever you did. Not that I'll ever know, nor you probably, but I wouldn't be surprised if a good third of them turned out to be secretly envious because they wouldn't have dared to risk getting caught hiding in the closet.

If you can manage to detach from the notion that you have to fix your relationship with your (ex?)-friend before you can work with her, you may even be able to make good use of the work situation to sort out the relationship. What I'm picturing is: you go ahead and do the job the best way you know how. Your (ex?)-friend perhaps comes into the situation a bit apprehensively but finds nothing worth worrying about and settles into doing the job the best way she knows how. The job gets done and both of you discover that, to your surprise, you can work well together. Or: your (ex?)-friend has some stuff going on that starts to get in the way of doing the job. Much as she'd like to blame you for it, you're just doing the job and if there are any issues on the table, they have to be hers. She gets to work on getting along with you for a change.