Grandparent to an adopted boy

How does a grandmother start a relationship to a grandson who is now 23 years old? He searched for his biological father, my son, 2 years ago. He made contact and they sort of have a fb only relationship now.

What do I say to him. I'd love to get to know him. I've had small conversations with his adopted mother via facebook and only 2 very brief messages with my grandson.

His mom says he would love a phone call from my son, they are both 'scared' to get into a relationship. My son has said he is letting his son into his life but isn't going to push. Do I just do myown thing rather than for my son to establish their relationship first, as I've been waiting to happen.

Any adults out there that was adopted and located their birth parents? I'd love to hear from you.

I think that's great, Beholden! If you want to get to know him, maybe tell him a bit about yourself? I have found doing my genealogy work that there's lots of "interests" and capabilities that are inherited and interesting occupations that seem to go down the family tree. Have you seen a picture? Maybe comment on your parents, siblings, grandparents he might look a bit like?

I have three grown stepsons, two of whom were starting their 20's when I "met" them. Rather than concentrate on the nerve-racking fact that he's your grandson and you don't know him yet, just try to talk to him like you would a young man of that age; about his interests, does he have a girlfriend, etc. Put as much of your personality in the interaction as you can for whatever modality it is; when I call one grandson at his office, the secretary answers and invariably asks who's calling and I answer, "His wicked stepmother"

LOL "His wicked stepmother"

He PM'ed me today on facebook right after I posted this thread!

We must have been thinking of each other. He got a kick out of my naming myself "Grandma S".

The ideas you gave me are wonderful, Perna

It is so interesting the work your have done in genealogy that has shown similar interests and capabilities in your family tree.

I'd love to tell him something about his bloodline. I'll have to ask him how much he and his birth mom communicate too. She was a foster child and so her own blood family is a bit of a blur. I'm sure he'd like to know something about his father's side since his mothers side isn't so easily dug up.

I am the adoptive mother of a 12yr old boy (he was 4 when he left his family, 6 when I met him and 8 when I adopted him). Because he was a foster child the state would not allow contact with his biological family. Now that he is adopted it is up to me until he turns 18 then up to him. I have tried to facilitate him having a continuing relationship with his biological family. It has been difficult for everyone (but well worth it IMO). I have tried to allow his biological family to set the pace as they had already mourned his "loss" having been told they would never see or hear from him again. From my sons perspective things are moving too slow.
It is a dance like the start of any "new" relationship. I think they take on a life of their own. Put yourself out there as you feel comfortable and give him the space to respond as he is comfortable. If he has made the effort to find you then having a relationship is important to him so it is only a matter of timing not an "if".
Remember to keep breathing.
I think having FB and/or email is a nice option to have in the early stages. Each of you can open things when you are ready to see them and send things any time.
Good luck!

Thanks Omars,

My grandson was adopted at birth. I let my son and his then girlfriend make their own decisions about what they were going to do. So he has never known a different family or been in foster care.

He was 6 hours old when I last saw him or held him. Until he contacted his birth father on his 21st birthday. Via fb, he is starting to ask questions, so am I. Nothing very personal yet, but I'm sure he wants to know what the circumstance were around his being given up for adoption.

Nothing mysterious about that. It was really the best choice and he has grown up to be a good person from what his mom shared.

I am glad he has grown up to be a good person. Your son and his girlfriend made a very difficult decision in the hopes of giving their son the best possible life. My sons parents voluntarily gave up their rights when the state (falsely) told them how many more options he would have with someone else. I hope that your grandson has the ability to see the sacrifice your son chose to make for his well being.
Keep us posted!

As a Birthmother to a now 31 year old woman, I became an instant grandmother 4 years ago when we found each other. I was forced to give her up at birth when I was 16. I've always left the ball in her court as to how much of a relationship she wanted with me and her half sisters. She grew up in a warm loving home with wonderful parents. Yes, I refer to her Adoptive parents as her parents, as they raised her, taught her to ride a bike, bandaged her knee when she fell, taught her to drive a car, walked her down the aisle when she got married. My instant grandsons, 7 & 10, call me by my first name. That's fine. After 28 years of not knowing if she was dead or alive, I'll take whatever I can from her and be happy.

Thank you for your post Omers. Yes, our son did make a very difficult decision. That was his idea and he convinced his girlfriend to not have an abortion. They went to the museum in their home town and looked at the models of the developing fetus. That was the one piece of information she needed to see "it" as a baby, a real baby that someone else would love.

My grandson is very lucky to have had the parents he has. He wants me to post more pictures on fb! I'll have to go through some of his birth dad from when he was younger. And of Grandpa and I kayaking!

Wow, I am enjoying reading everyone's posts on this subject. It is sad that your were forced to give up your daughter. But I know when I was growing up (I'm 63 now) girls 'went away' and it was such a secret that there weren't many other accepted ways of dealing with a 16 year old being pregnant.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Beholden, you sound really sweet. I would say to just let your grandson cultivate the relationship at his own pace and not be surprised or hurt if he just wants to keep the relationship in writing for right now.

I have somewhat of a strange adoption story. I was adopted at one month old, in 2009 I found out that my birth parents had been in my life for its entirety. They were close friends of the family who were having a "relationship on the side" (she was married, albeit in name only, and he was not.) She was 38 and already had 3 kids who were then around 9, 10, 12 years old. He was 46, never married, and had no idea she was pregnant. This was 1981, so she could have just had an abortion and never told a soul about it. But she chose to conceal her pregnancy until it became obvious, and stayed with a friend in another state until it was time to have me. Unfortunately, no one knew about any of this except for her and my parents for all these years. She only told her children, brothers, etc. when she was dying of cancer in '09. It has been very difficult for me, to say the least. I knew her and her kids + their extended family, my birth father, his sister, as "close friends of the family" my entire life. I had always wondered where I came from like any other adopted child, and here they were right under my nose all these years. And now they're all something more. I'm glad I was already in therapy when this news came to light. It's kind of made me feel conflicted...I'm still struggling with this duality of "two families".

Thanks for telling me your unique adoption story. Aren't these all so different? And especially thank you for saying I sound "sweet". I try to be

Feeling conflicted about your family is certainly understandable. The timing of when you found out was good, what with being in therapy. I was in therapy for depression/life adjustment stuff when I realized that my mom, whom I'd had difficultly with (in my head) as an adult at least, when she was dx'ed with cancer too. I remember feeling conflicted when flying home for her funeral, why did it take her dying for me to really see or know that she did the best job she could and that she really did love me.

So you don't have to be adopted to have some of these thoughts, feelings and yet, coming out the other end a well adjusted adult anyway

One new thing to report about my son and his son, they talked on the phone on Mother's Day! I don't know which one called the other, but that made me happy to know they are moving forward with their relationship. I'm taking it nice and slow. I think we will get up to where grandson lives this summer, as that is where hubby's family lives and I'll make sure we make arrangements to meet our oldest grandson.

I'd love him to meet my daughter and son-in-law and their kids, his cousins!!! He has 1 adopted sister and 1 adopted brother, but now he also has 'blood' extended family to get to know.

Thanks, that's great to hear. I also have a sister, she was adopted too (not blood-related)

Big Surprise. We met our grandson and his parents Saturday

I know, it wasn't at all like I thought, taking it a bit slow so we could fb privite messages, do some phone calls etc, but we had a death in the family and had to go out of state to be will family. Hubby's family lives in the area. So I just took a chance. I faced booked the mom, asked if she wanted to meet for coffee with their son.

The rest is history as they say. Our grandson wanted to meet with us a little earlier alone, well without his mom and dad being there. He did have his very charming girlfriend with him. He loves having a grandma and grandpa. We are the first of his blood line to meet eyeball to eyeball. He wanted it to be for him, not for his parents, I really loved that. I want him to know he wasn't rejected by his grandparents. I wanted him to trust us as just being people. I know he felt something good at this meeting. It all went well. Thanks all of you for sharing your heaps of vibs that gave me the courage to just GO FOR IT.

He loved (and he and his girlfriend got teary eyed listening too) hearing his birth story. Hubby said at the start that if he had any questions, to please just ask! Joy Joy Joy to have come to this beginining.

to be continuted....

I got teary just reading that...
so happy for you!

oh beholden just saw your thread. after reading your multiple posts here i see that things are going well. i'm so happy for you. i'm the birthmom to a son i found when he was 35. he's 46 now. my other son was an "only" child. or so he thought. now they both have each other. it makes me so happy for them. have established a good relationship with my other son. adopted children have conflicting thoughts about themselves and who they are. from whence they came. how they got to be adopted. now your grandson is whole, too.
when my adopted son and i met we both felt that the big hole in our hearts has been filled. your grandson, son, and you are blessed as well. i'm so incredibly happy for all of you. glad u're taking it slow. it's the best way. they need to process it over time.

Well thank you PC'ers.

I'm praying My grandson is starting his "Wholeness" from his "Holeness".

He has had 3 very long phone conversations with his bio father before we met, which I thought there was only 1. They are growing. My daughter in law talked with me last night about all this and she said she really wished that (I'll call my son "D", for Dad and our grandson as "G"...) D could have been there with us. They just don't have the money to have arranged a flight. They live far away. Nor did I even think about it (or have the extra money just sitting around). It was very short notice and the death in the family was too much the major priority at that time.

G hasn't had an easy, loving time growing up. He was even placed in foster care for a few years while in middle school due to "that fact" per his mother to me and then reinforced by G telling this to his D, that he wouldn't follow her rules. They have been very open to each other.

G does have many issues. Not just the adopted issues. I'm being very open-minded - focusing not on the adoptive parents views as gospel, or on G's 'side of the story' being right or wrong. It is their own opinion on what their reality is/was. I'm trying hard to not make any judgements. I decided to be a truthful as I could be while sitting around the round table when we all met for that first time. Some of my gut feeling about the mom have been varified by G's body language and by what have since found out by our son. I'm not wanting the past in influence my future which started with that meeting. I'm not choosing sides, but want a role as fulfilling G's life time happiness from NOW.

I just want to give/have/work toward unconditional love for G. I'd like to have a good relationship with his partents as well. I couldn't take G in and raise him, it would have caused my marriage to crumble. Since G is now an adult, trying to figure out who he is, I want my job to be one of incouragement and not in 'fixing' the past in anyway. I know limits and soft gentle limits have to be in place, like I - we aren't just your new fount parents. a money tree to be picked off - a place to live - because you don' want to live at home - you know what I'm trying to say. He is currently going to move back in with his parents to save money (he works) so he can move south where he thinks he will like the weather better!

I don't want to do like divored couples do with their children where the dad or missing parent tries to buy their children when it is their week-end to have them.

I'm hoping to enjoy good or bad times. I don't think I feel guilt, it is what it is.

Am I seeing things in a way that sounds responsible and in a role that is appropreitate (sp??) and it will happen as it is meant to without me meddling too much.

It is a little scary

As an adopted person, what were your expections of your bio family? Especially if it was as a young adult when you found them?

I was 30 when I found my biological parents but I'd say it's very hard to set expectations for such a surreal situation, and a situation that you rarely hear much about. I think at first I just wanted knowledge...tell me everything, anything....you just have to feel your way around to find the comfortability in a relationship.
Take it day by day...I don't know if your grandson is looking to be rescued - you don't know him well enough yet - right now you're just so excited to have him in your life - get used to each other before you do anything else and enjoy this special gift you've been given.

Well said! And I guess I just needed to let it out a bit here!

I appreciate your comments.