[Jenn1fer82]

For those who has purposely ended the relationship with family members I want to know what made it possible and how did you fight the cycle of getting back in touch with those toxic people. What made you stay strong and not get lured back in the toxic. I don't want my parents and brother in my life anymore but I'm on great terms with other siblings so how did you deal with family functions. I'm sick and tired of being the bigger person and just let go of the matter for the sake of peace in the family. I'm sick and tired of being sick to be in a toxic family full of betrayal, drunks, and physical abuse. Love is not enough to keep me in a family that doesn't appreciate me.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Jenn1fer))))

Thank you for posting. Ending a relationship with family is a hard thing to do but I have done that. It was not easy and for a long time I questioned and tried. But I finally did after writing my sister and confronting her. I had to change my phone number to an unlisted and blocked number and even had to change my cell number. (Although I do still have a cell that my children have the number too, but I can decide if they or someone in my family calls to answer it or not).

It was hard but something I had to do to be able to move forward and try to heal. I had trouble at first because there are some that I really did not want to break ties with but in this past month or so I had to also stop connection with my children because my family was using them to get information and to get my phone number. I also had to step away from them on FB too to protect myself so that I could continue to heal.

It was a tough decision and one I did not take lightly. Knowing that through a relationship with them I could not find safety or healing as they were the ones that are/were involved. Their threats and continued attacks made it difficult for me to find safety anywhere always looking over my shoulder wondering if they would show up or something. I still do have to keep my eyes open as I have still had run-ins with them.

It was really hard at first and still is with my children, but I know now that I cannot keep that abusive relationships going and try to move forward myself. Taking care of myself first will hopefully down the road someday allow a relationship with my children again. As far as my family goes to me they do not exist and I have no desire to ever go back, as I moved far away to save myself.

When I went back to my daughters wedding a few years ago, it was really hard and traumatising. I do not miss any of them at all (except my children and grandchildren) and am glad that I made the decision I have. Family is not always those that are blood related as I have found out in being a part of a family now that does not abuse or hurt me.

Love did not exist in my family only in words as nothing they did showed any kind of love at all. For a long time it was all I knew but stepping away has saved my life and also has allowed me to learn what real love can be and what a real family can be. Being accepted for who I am and not having to be someone I am not, or hiding, or running from, or being constantly scared and abused has really helped me to be able to start to learn how to stand up for myself for the first time.

Even though there is still a fear of them showing up, as they have done, or feeling they are somewhere watching me, it is getting a little easier with time and with me becoming stronger and able to do what I needed to do to take care of me. I never felt appreciated either but used.

I hope this helps a little as I do understand a lot of what you said. I am sorry that you are having to make that decision as it is not an easy one to make. But in making that decision for yourself you are taking back your life and doing for you what you need to do. Please know that I hear you and validate how you feel.

Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[roses4me]

It was really hard at first and still is with my children

purple: I am saddened that it was necessary to not see your children.

Jennifer,
I don't see my family either. It was not a choice, it was a matter of survival. I actually moved to get away from the memories. I broke off contact with absolutely everyone. ex. I wanted to see my grandmother but knew she would tell me stuff about other family members that I didn't have the health to hear. And I was not comfortable asking her to keep contact with me a secret. I am pretty sure that she has since passed away.
I haven't seen my son either. He was so controlled by other family members that it was impossible to have a healthy relationship with him. It was continue to get hurt in a bad relationship ... or leave.

how did you fight the cycle

self preservation... the whole mess triggered general anxiety

I have healed somewhat. With continued contact, I would have had no healing whatsoever

roses

ps I am sad if it has come to that for you

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by Jenn1fer82

For those who has purposely ended the relationship with family members I want to know what made it possible and how did you fight the cycle of getting back in touch with those toxic people. What made you stay strong and not get lured back in the toxic. I don't want my parents and brother in my life anymore but I'm on great terms with other siblings so how did you deal with family functions. I'm sick and tired of being the bigger person and just let go of the matter for the sake of peace in the family. I'm sick and tired of being sick to be in a toxic family full of betrayal, drunks, and physical abuse. Love is not enough to keep me in a family that doesn't appreciate me.

Hi Jenn1fer82,

I have to say what has helped me a lot has been ACoA meetings. It is helpful to hear others going through similar types of situations (present and past)... The text is helpful too. (Adult children refers to children of alcoholics or other types of addiction, other mental instability or other family dysfunction and not just alcohol abuse...)
http://www.adultchildren.org/lit/Handbook.s
Supportive thoughts your way.
Elana