[lizzardspock]

I met this friend (I will call her Maya) about a year ago. We were at the time both new to the town, just starting Uni, going to same classes and living couple of minutes away from each other. Maya is truly a sweet girl, funny and smart. I have a lot of fun hanging out with her. I don't think I am necessarily emotionally invested in our friendship because I just don't feel that special bond with her that I feel with a few friends of mine. This does not prevent me from listening to her serious problems, being discrete about them and giving here the best possible advice I can think of. I don't expect that kind of treatment in return because as I said-she is not one of those people I truly feel connected to.

All sweetness aside-Maya is a very selfish girl. Why do I think this? These are some of the situations:
-One time we were doing an assignment; Maya,me and another friend I will call Christina. It was the night before turning in the assignment when Maya phoned me up and asked me whether she could come over and look at the book we needed for our assignment (she didn't have her own copy of course) and look up some page references. I told her nicely that Christina had already finished her assignment and she could borrow the book from her and keep it all night-because I am still in the middle of mine and I don't need any distractions. Christina leaves five minutes away from Maya-I live two minutes away from her. Guess she was too lazy to go over to Christina's place and assured me it would take her five minutes to look up the references. She came over and stayed for forty five minutes with me looking up the references for her because naturally-she had no idea where in the book they were. I was visibly annoyed, she did say she was sorry and that was it.

-On other occasion I injured my foot and was unable to walk for several weeks. Once our friend Christina left to go for holidays, I was left alone because Maya's bf was in town. This is not really a problem. I like being alone and it's not like I was missing her. I wanted her to have a nice time with her bf. But then a friend phoned me up and asked me if I wanted to stay with her in a nearby town for a few days so she could take care of me while my foot was in a bad shape. I said yes. I informed Maya of this and the moment I did-she asked me when I was leaving and coming back. Her bf was leaving town a few days before my return and she asked me whether I could come back earlier so she wouldn't be alone. I of course said no and while I was at my friend's place she sent me a few messages telling me she missed me and wanted me back. I found this very annoying. Did I send her messages while she was busy with her bf making her feel bad about not spending time with me? No. I would never do that.

-Most recent thing was her leaving town for holidays. I am leaving my stuff with a friend so I let her use my storage option at my new apartment. On the day of her leaving she phoned me up and asked me whether she could leave some things with me, big things, I am not speaking about a book or a T shirt but bed linens, a duvet and some pillows. I got really frustrated cause this was not the first time she was taking for granted the idea of me doing something she asked me to do. After I told her that there was simply no more room, she phoned a storage service company and informed me they would come pick the things up (asking me therefore to be at home when they arrive) but I would need to put them into boxes. My foot is still injured and I am still on crutches yes this was obviously not a problem for her.

On the other hand I asked her once while I still couldn't walk to go and get me some chocolate in a nearby shop. She said she would do it if somebody would accompany her. Our friend said she couldn't cause she doesn't want me eating sweets (this is a good friend and i understand where it comes from). Then Maya changed the story and said yes-she didn't want me eating sweets as well. She was just too lazy to go by herself.

A few days back she was going to a huge supermarket and I asked her nicely to get me some garbage bags so i could pack my things up (as I am leaving as well) and I would of course give her the money back. She went to the supermarket and apparently did not find the bags-which I find very unlikely. She probably just forgot.

But that's the thing. She expects others to do things for her yet when she is asked to do something she is usually very casual about it and most of the times if she does do a favor-it's sloppy work. I really want to be her friend cause we have a lot of fun together and we are compatible, but this has got to stop cause the friendship won't work unless I feel we are equal regarding this matter. Should I talk to her? How do I go about it?

Thank you again.

[Direction]

Welcome to PC! Glad you could post.

It sounds like you have an idea of what you boundaries are for this type of friendship. I would say just work on how to be assertive about them.

Worry less about whether or not she is selfish. As an example, you did a great job setting the boundary in your mind about not needing any interuptions during studying and a good job communicating this initially to your friend. However, when she shows up you kind of caved in...which in turn sent a mixed message to your friend that you really didn't mean what you said...so enforce the boundary you told her...

Dig a little into the examples you provided and see if any of these involve the follow through part of boundaries or need a little more assertiveness.

Good luck...

[Perna]

Hi, Lizzardspock, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). I think you might be more invested in this friend than you would like to be; look at how long and detailed your post is and how often you assure us, "I don't expect that kind of treatment in return because as I said-she is not one of those people I truly feel connected to." Methinks you protest a bit too much!

I would just flat out tell Maya what my problems were with her the next time you have a "problem". If she asks for help with books/homework for example, tell her no, not this time, because she disrupted your work last time and she should have gotten her act together and gotten her own book by now. If you don't like the way she has treated you in the past, don't let her treat you that way when she asks to in the future! You don't have to talk to her beforehand, just stay in the moment and go with whatever is happening in the moment.

Since she's an unreliable "helper", don't ask her for help anymore? Why be disappointed? When she asks for help, look at the situation and decide what you "feel". If she's not bleeding or in danger, let her solve her own problems? You aren't there to lend her books she should have bought, give her your storage option space, etc. You need to get a little more "selfish" yourself. Friends do reciprocate but she isn't so keep her a fun acquaintance to hang out with but not "work"/be friends with!

[lizzardspock]

Thank you very much for your replies! They have helped a lot. I do have a problem with saying "no" to people and guess it's my fault they take advantage of this. If I seem a bit too nervous about the whole thing, well recently I have had a huge fallout with (now an ex friend) because for the first time in my life I said that something was bothering me. The fact we weren't able to smooth things over makes me scared about losing more people over letting them know if I have a problem with them. I just know that I wouldn't react in this way and I applaude constructive criticism when it comes my way. I guess that this situation is perfect to exercise my character and show Maya she can't just take advantage of me. The problem is, she does see me as her closest friend here (me and Christina), and Christina and I are quite close (she has proven to be an amazing friend) but Christina has a very strong personality so Maya usually doesn't ask her what she asks me. I'll do my best and let you know how it goes!
Thank you again.