Pretend

OK I hope this doesn't sound like a moronic question to everyone......

Have you ever pretended for a period of time that you were divorced? I'm grappling with thoughts about my marriage and I'm feeling overwhelmed to say the least. I'm thinking about perhaps I should get a divorce because I can't stand my husband (there have been periods in our relationship where its been ok). He's great in so many ways and yet extremely annoying in so many others. I guess if our marriage or relationship were stronger then contemplating a divorce wouldn't even be in the picture. Anyone out there think about divorce and come through the other side still married and then happy???

I feel horrible for having these thoughts of divorce as my husband is a 'nice guy' but I need to explore this topic once and for all to put my mind at rest.

PS - I'm hoping by my work and the will of god that this marriage not only survives but thrives.

Divorce is no fun to pretend...takes much time to get past the wreckage of what was a relationship...

I get what you are thinking though...maybe pretend he is distant friend of sorts...It has been said that many couples are happier many years down the road after working through struggles then those same years down the road after a divorce.

I've been divorced for about 5 1/2 years and just starting to find my way...so when you say "nice guy", maybe things could be worked through. I'm just saying divorce is not much of a quick fix and it could be worth spending the next few years putting the work in on the marriage...so I agree with your your last sentence...

(((Direction))) Thank you so much for you thoughtful and eye opening post. I'm oscilating between honoring my feelings (I've spent the bulk of my life not having my feelings matter so as an adult I think I make up for time and go too far in one direction) and having my brain override my feelings and give it a shot. There are times/occasions where my feelings get in the way and other times I should be listening to my feelings. I'm hoping this is just one of those times where putting my brain in the drivers seat is the right decision.

Thank you so much for helping me figure this out

Good Luck! There are a few things that I have thought about as my part in my marriage not working...the I wish I could's...

I wish I could have loved her in ways that meant to her that I loved her...really listened to what it was that in her mind said yes he loves me. I wish I had been forthcoming about my feelings. I hid my feelings from her and rarely if at all let her in on what was going on inside in my mind. I wish I had been more assertive...I was so passive...and I was so afraid to point out problems I was having with her for fear of having a disagreement...

So the 1st 2-3 years after I filled for divorce, I spent much time pointing the finger at her...it really is only the last 2-3 years I started accepting my role in this...

So I cringed a little when you said not having your feelings matter...I think I get what you are saying in terms of balance...but I really think that it is a blending of feelings and brain that will get you through it...I've learned to deny one leaves very little footing.

Hi Geez, how long have you been married? When did you start feeling this way? Do you remember why you married him?

Sannah I've been married for 10yrs. When we first started living together before we were married I had my doubts (do to pressure from my dysfunctional family - my husband stood up for me when I was being treated poorly by my family/parents). We got married and I had a period of time of feeling very content, happy, feeling lucky. My doubts seemed to come back when my first born was around three years old and I was pregnant with my second child. I married him because he meant safety and security (we also did things together like Kayak, travel etc...). Our values are very much the same when it comes to living life. We have young children so I know that can put a stress on our marriage. We don't do things together anymore (were trying). We used to Kayak together when we were dating go hiking etc... my husband doesn't have any interest in doing much these days. I'm however more active than ever and I feel like we are growing apart I want us both to be happy and I'm still wanting to work on this if I think we can have happiness. - I hope.

I think a marriage can grow apart after a child but that does not mean you can't work on getting it back. Honesty between the two is a must. Well at least with my husband and I. Setting time to just talk and share what is on your mind helps. We started having a time right before going to bed to cuddle and be able to share our day, concerns, feelings and to let each other know if we felt we needed more of something. Like some times I need more kisses or more hugs or other things. This has helped cause now we know why one or the other has not done something together. We can't read each others mind and having this time has worked. I hope this may help you if you are not doing it already. There are more things if you would like to know.

Hello, geez. Is couples therapy an option for you?

Hi Byzantine - Unfortunatly couples therapy is not an option for us as my husband isn't interested in going to therapy. He is a do it yourselfer. He doesn't see the point in paying a therapist for couples therapy even thought I go to one

I have been working on my marriage outside of couples therapy on and off while being in individual therapy. My T has given me some really good advice on how to bring my husband and I closer together but old habbits fall into place. I feel like sometimes I'm the only one trying and other times I'm the problem by not opening up to my husband about what isn't bothering me.

My husband and I had a talk and he said he doesn't know what else to do for me and I don't know what else to say. I'm just trying now through my actions of just prioritizing being together on a most basic level and hope we can end up stronger after all of this.

I'm just trying now through my actions of just prioritizing being together on a most basic level and hope we can end up stronger after all of this.

The fact that you are trying and not just throwing in the towel says a lot about you. Many people simply give up and move on no matter who gets hurt. I applaud you.

And I wish you well. You have my admiration.