When a woman cheats, she’s looking for more than satisfying another man

The author of the article talks about a friend who has been carrying on an affair for many years. As the title suggests, the motivation for women who have affairs likely is different than those of men. The point is made again that women who get caught having an affair are treated differently than men are.

It is a sort of happily-ever-after story. The article ends thusly: http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifest...6XH_print.html

You see, what I have here in my hand is a 10 foot pole. I'm currently using it not to touch this issue.

Interesting nonetheless....

The headline of this post is very mmmm abstract!

When one cheats it is usually to satisfy one self and not the partner, if it do happen differently it is a clear sign someone is manipulated and do have a low self esteem which makes them more prone to end up in this type of situation where it is not for them self but a partner, giving rise to the question do they feel unloved in there relationship and looks for it somewhere els or are they looking for financial gain, social gain through these exploits they find themselves in or are they trying to reinvent themselves for they want to break free from the life they are in and don't know or do know they need to shake there relationship to get a new roll of the dice to find what they want.



The headline is still abstract to me..........

Perhaps, "Discretion is the better part of valor."

ElllieMay, how about if I give you an eleven foot Swede?

I guess the piece implies that a man is just looking to satisfying another woman when he cheats? :-) I don't think all males/all females can be lumped into groups together; I think it simplifies the experience of being male or female.

I'm there too. Probably for different reasons but...mostly for self preservation.
I tend to learn things the hard way but...I think I'm learning. Leaving...now

Remember this song? Anything you can do I can do better
I can do anything better than you
Yes I can, no you can't, yes I can,
no you can't, yes I can, Yes I can,
Yes I can!

But you know what I'm talking about. Sometimes I almost feel like I should apologize for my gender
Long ago two females told my then-girlfriend that I'd "had a scene" with them. They had made the invitation but I politely declined. To hurt my girl and me they told her it happened. Must have been convincing. She believed them and had a scene of her own before I even knew what was happening. I loved my girlfriend but it was over at that point. Men are not always the "bad guy." For every "cheating man" there is a "cheating woman", isn't there?
Now if elliemay will smack me with that damned pole maybe I can get some negative reinforcement to enhance my learning because apparently I've forgotten the lesson about getting involved in potentially incendiary topics...

Its ok Mike you did fine on this one, LOL. It takes time to learn what can and cannot be said and lets face it some of us need to vent and there could actually be a trigger warning on this thread. Some of the things that others think I don't know, I do know, however I try to be encompassing without getting too direct as I know this site covers a lot of different people with different beliefs.

This thread too is somewhat hard because not all women are easily able to choose to
cheat and they face extreme penalties if they do.

I did get light hearted but did not want others to think that I felt that it was a subject to laugh at or that I truely feel what is good for the goose is good for the gander.

I actually view cheating as a lie and can be considered as a charector flaw. But there are many variables to consider. I have seen affairs take place because the woman was very unhappily married and only kept the marriage together for the children. And they keep up the front very well and then the shock comes when the children get old enough and the marriage disolves.

But when I walked down that isle and made a promise I didn't take that lightly. But I did have my boundaries and I did state them. I know I put up with more than most women do. And I had a heavy weight of deep decisions that was put forth in my marriage. I also had a child and gave extreme consideration to that child. And it wasn't easy as they do learn what ever way one chooses. Oh, boy did I have a challenge, it was very hard.

My husband was unfaithful and he made a choice to stay with me and I had no idea of that choice. He also made a choice to be unfaithful and in that choice he infected our healthy relationship. He infected it with guilt and when someone is guilty they often treat the innocent person unfavorably. I was often so confused as my husband was moody and vague and confused me. And I knew that he did not lack of love and sexual affection. I know he was surpised that I married him I had other men that were very interested and perhaps he got a big head and wanted to see what else he could get, who knows.

The truth almost always comes out and no matter how long it takes it can very painful. The only way a relationship can hope to be good again is if all truth is laid out and both parties work towards trying to build trust again. And it is very hard.

I could have cheated, and I was angry enough to do it for spite, only I knew that two wrongs don't make a right. And I can't say one forgets because whenever my huband and I argue, I have terrible night mares often for days. It probably has something to do with that PTSD thing, who knows, all I know is that it is just not an easy road. And I knew both women and sang at one of the women's wedding. And I was very disgusted with her because she knew that I had a happy little family and that I loved my husband.

One of the things that I never got to do is express my extreme anger at both these women to their faces. And I was extremely concerned about STD's as both women were very experienced one could say. One of them was divorced with two small boys. So in my opinion I guess she thought is was ok to ruin another family.

But the one thing I did think about is that family is important too, very important. And for a long time now we have lived with a very high divorce rate. We have been in a throw away society, I am not necessarily talking about all countries, I know there are different traditions. I thought about what we do teach our children, when things get challenging leave, well, you cant always teach children that because a long term marriage takes work. And it is about commitment. But if a marriage involves any real abuse, then it is important to teach the child not to accept that.
So, in my case, I had to really think, it was not an easy decision. But children also have to learn what commitment is and they do deserve to feel that whatever happens mommy and daddy will do the right thing and consider the child, often that is not the case sadly. And I don't care if the man cheats or the woman cheats, you both cheat on that child or children too. What are they supposed to learn from that, its ok to lie and cheat right?

I stayed faithful, 31 years now and it wasn't easy and I do have scars. You can forgive someone, but you can't erase the scars.

So in my opinion, if you cannot hold commitment, don't get married and don't have children. If you want to run around and lie, just for the sake of sideline pleasure or to see if you can be desirable to someone else, don't get married and have children.

I had lots of opportunities to be unfaithful. I chose not to be unfaithful and I did honor my commitment. It is a big commitment, not just a ring or a wedding dress and a tux with a vaction called the honeymoon.

That is my opinion

Open Eyes

It's really not a damned pole at all.

I guess what stands out is that she said she was sinking to a man's level by having an affair, which is a fairly sexist statement.

If you aren't going to smack me with it then that probably matters more to you than to me

Open Eyes...as far as the article, I think this woman put a lot of thought and effort into making a point that isn't even important. I think she basically wrote an intellectual bodice ripper disguised as a feminist empowerment piece. While also managing to slip in a few promo plugs.
/ducking and running now

I have to agree, what does the writer mean by "having an affair is sinking to a man's level". How does, "women initiate affairs to get ahead in their career" work for the author? I know some of them, being in this job 23 years. It's been tried with me, but it didn't work. In fact it caused them to lose a job that they qualified for in every other way. I find that statement offensive.

.. I agree I hate any kind of sexist statements-- there is no place for them (IMO)

Like when guys say-- "Dude, you throw like a girl"... as an insult-- wonder how many guys never thought of THAT as being sexist?.....

I think there are ways to say things WITHOUT putting down the other gender.

My friend is so cynical and disillusioned by her own experiences that she thinks cheating is *normal* and accepted nowadays...

Well, I had more to say, as usual. This is the only place I have talked about this. Whatever this woman is saying in her piece to somehow empower women's rights and even say that it is stooping to a man's level,whoever it is, it is lieing and is wrong, and it is stooping to a lower level period.

Two women initiated an affair with my husband. Unfortunately it was in his days of being an active alcoholic. But still these women were not stooping to a mans level they were slime and selfish. Having an affair is a SELFISH ACT no matter wether it is a female or male. And many know that often a husband will cheat with his wife's supposed best friend. And this is nothing new, it happened to my aunt over 40 years ago and it ruined her life, she never was the same person, she went to visit her friend and caught them. I was just a little girl and I loved my aunt and it was very hard to see her in so much pain.

Wether this is an article to display a feminist empowerment piece or not. It is still a selfish act no matter who does it. JWSoxFan, your friend is a very selfish person.

Open Eyes

I would have to disagree that with EVERY man there is a cheating woman because men do cheat more often. That's not feminist or anything - it's statistics.

I could never cheat on my bf or even jerks I'd dated in the past. Just can't bring myself to do it. All boils down to trust though. If a girl came to me and said my bf had done something with her I would assume she was lying, not him. I would hope he feels the same way.

And a girl doing that only speaks to her insecurity and previous feelings of abandonment. However, I know that there are a lot of guys out there who feel just like women - can't find a good one....they're ALL cheaters (which isn't true for either side of course).

Bottom line - women and men think differently. We're wired differently. No matter what the reasons are - it's the same outcome. I don't really see it as a way of a woman proving her strength or saying she is capable of doing "man things". I see it as a mutual respect between 2 people that shouldn't depend on gender and shouldn't be violated. If a woman feels the need to validate herself by getting with another man - she obviously isn't ready for a committed relationship. To me, that indicates just as many issues as a woman who does it for the extra attention.

Like saying "you throw like an elephant! y'know.....because they don't have opposable thumbs!!" lol

Want to explain how that is possible? Are men cheating with other men...or with teddy bears?

LOL arcangel, I think she meant that men are cheating with girls (or maybe guys, has happened) that are not married. So the unmarried girl is not cheating on a marriage.

But, my statement would speak otherwise as the two women that cheated with my husband were not married at the time, but they knew he was married.

But you do have a point arcangel. Are the statistics only taking in account for the married person who is cheating and not considering the woman that participates in that cheating? A woman who knows a man is married and participates in my book is also cheating. But others may not think so, they may just think it is aiding and abedding, could be a pun here.

Open Eyes

That was the point more or less And if men cheat with men isn't it possbile that women cheat with women.
"The statistics"... I love that phrase lol.
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&s...6g-v4&aql=&oq=
And yes there was a pun lol.
Poor Byz is probably wondering where the seriousness went

Well maybe the Byz is a little amused, I hope so. He does know that threads often take on a life of their own.

I will have to read the search here tomarrow.

I do understand that there was a happy ending to the statement in the thread. And that a woman was forgiven. My point is that one can forgive but there will always be scars when one is wounded. She may feel she was forgiven, but she has infected the relationship with doubt. Ofcourse one could say that any relationship has doubt, but when doubt turns to reality it is very hard to repair. Though one may forgive they never really forget, and there is a scar that one cannot wish away, it is always there.

For those moments of pleasure, if one returns to a marriage, is it really worth the risk? And what if someone realizes that they made a big mistake, but they still did it.
It is just not healthy for a relationship it puts something in the middle.

I have read about the difference sex is for men and women, many women, not all and there are always exceptions. Women make love and it means love, it is not always the same for a man. So some men truely feel that it is nothing more than a release and can still love their mate. And there have been many men in the past that were raised to feel that it is ok to have a marriage and still have other women.

My husband's grandfather had a wife and girlfriends and it was a given back then.
He had one of his women live above his family and they all knew. It must have been a strange feeling for the wife. By listening to my husband's mother it was hard for her to understand as a child.

Open Eyes

Don't you know the old saying "I'm a one woman man, the one I'm with at the time."
The reverse is also an oldie.
38 years.....same woman, no one else in mind.

38 years, no one else in mind most likely means that you have a relationship where love is mutual and goes way beyond the sexual act alone. Someone is mature here and honestly made that vow.

Open Eyes

Open Eyes,
It goes way beyond the sexual act.....we are best friends and do a lot of things together. In fact I travel for my job....and I take her with me. I take her for two reasons....1. I like her company and seeing new things together is exciting.
2. It keeps the women on their best behaviour.